I can't be alone in this.

I don't like passive people, either as friends or as a boyfriend. I used to tolerate it but I really don't anymore.

Does anyone here honestly prefer passive people? And as a bonus question, are you creepy and controlling, or a white knight in desperate need for your very own damsel in distress?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I made this thread after reading the one about shy guys. That and Fydor's lonely replies in particular made me think of this, so that's why it seems like a 'thing' now.

Anyway, by passive I mean just that, Enceph. I guess in matters of degrees, they never voice what they want to eat for dinner or go out and watch, and you find out much later that they were always annoyed by something you did and wouldn't tell you yourself. That sort of level of passive.

I know a lot of people can work around that sort of thing, but that's not what I'm asking about. Does anyone (who isn't a manipulative fuck) actively seek that sort of thing?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Minion

Well, often times "others" fail to realize how complex a situation is. It could be that confident people are just not very bright on average.

Oh wow. Oh, wow.

Keep thinking that way, it probably helps your already-tiny self-esteem.

Answering your question, yes, there is a definite difference between passive and cautious. When you let people walk over you and you smolder in resentment, well, that's passive. Also if you're so uncomfortable with people you should not be uncomfortable around (family, friends, etc) that you always defer to their choices, that is also passive, not cautious.

to the person who complained: I'm well aware this color doesn't look good against navy that's why I picked it.

Double Post:

Originally Posted by Mojougwe

So, someone like Lurker may still hate them now, or forever, but if you like someone and really want them to change, give them the chance to do it. Set them up.

It's not that I hate them so much as I have no patience for them. My father is the very definition of passive-agressive, although that's beyond the scope of this conversation, and my boyfriend is hella passive. I've tried to get him to open up more and the sum of my efforts on him is that I'm exhausted with it. "How're you?" "How're you?" "How're you?" conversations are cute the first hundred times you have them, but now just tell me what the hell happened during your day nigger.

ANyway, I predict your experiment will fail.

Also, for the record anyway, I'm not surprised Minion is a bit touchy on the subject. He is so passive-agressive it rots my teeth (somehow).

How ya doing, buddy?

What, you didn't know I was gay? How fucking thick do I have to lay it?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by NES Oldskooler

I may not be understanding the definition of "passive" you guys are throwing around, but say you're with a group of friends wanting to grab some food. I'd much rather be the guy saying "I'm cool with whatever" than "I want McDonald's, bitches!"

The problem is is that you need the McDonalds bitches guy to get the ball rolling, otherwise you just shrug at each other all night. Look, I'm not talking about compromise or anything like that, that's necessary and useful and required. Let me take an example of a friend my sister has. My sister will offer and basically beg the friend to order a meal at such-and-such mall eatery, and the friend will be like "no, that's okay, the portions there are big enough that we can both eat from one." or "all I want is a side anyway." and then the friend will eat a lot from my sister's plate. Not that my sister doesn't like sharing*, but that the friend refuses to assert herself even after my sister basically begs her to.

Also the friend apparently makes snide faces and comments behind the backs of people the friend does not like. I mean, that's immature. They're both 16 but I recently re-discovered how much I dislike that so I thought I'd share.

* in this particular instance my sister is queer for such-and-such mall eatery, so she does mind sharing half her meal. But in general, I mean.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I think everyone agrees that the far ends of the curve are bad, Doctah. I wanted to avoid that, and also to avoid the "in moderation passivity is something I can deal with / I am mildly or moderately passive" but I guess that was unrealistic. I mean, what else can you really say other than "some I can tolerate but others I cannot"?

I'm going to avoid the lengthy treatise on assertive people not being intrinsically bad listeners or incapable in mind and body to doing anything. If you think assertive people can't hang out with folks that they disagree with on unrelated matters but otherwise like, you're delusional.*

Simply put, like asking whether shyness is a quality that attracts you to people, I wanted to know if you are attracted to passive folks and are otherwise not-creepy. I should've just said that in my first post.

* How can assertive people stand each other then? You would think you'd hear something about that by now.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Then I will point you to Encephalon's example, wherein his group of friends are all 'leaders' in different areas. Although it's silly to think every group will end up that way, it's also silly to think every group will instead fight over McDonalds vs Burger King.

There is also the case of day-by-day passivity taking its toll on your partner. I did not like deciding everything all the time, and being the bad guy in relationship problems. If the passive person doesn't say anything when there's a problem, then there's no problem from their end, which means they're okay with it, which means if you're not okay with it then there must be something wrong with you. That's not fair.

Of course, my experience may be unique, but I doubt it.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Dr. Uzuki

But what if there's genuinely no problem from that end?

There were problems, yes. I found out later that he would vent to his friends - not a bad thing in and of itself - but would not tell me about what he was bothered by.

Quote:

You sound a little bit past the point of annoyance, though, yet this is the first I'm hearing about it. I will agree, say I didn't realize such and such particular thing got to her, and tell her I will try to improve.

"No, but you don't get it, you haven't been doing whatever whatever and it's always left up to me."

Were you the one who was saying that passive people tend to be more perspective, and also prefer that their significant others divine what was bothering them and fix it on their own, without being told?

I'm only bringing that up because the rest of your argument sounds like you're solidly in that camp, but you expect her to tell you when something bothers her before it becomes annoying.

Quote:

The decisions you keep on making that the passive never does are things you should be doing for yourself and not lumping together you both as an item. Passive people realize this and that's why they don't understand how upset someone can be over natural apathy of their personal values over inconsequential things.

UM.

It has been in my experience that this is not true. The quality of letting someone deal with their shit on their own is not in the slightest an aspect of passivity.* Uh, but you need to talk to your woman about this instead of venting on the internet to people who can't effect your relationship.

* Over-controlling, passive people can be seen in passive-agressives and internet circle-jerks ("I DON'T LIKE FIGHTING SO LET'S EVERYONE SHUT UP NOW").

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Dr. Uzuki

No smugness intended, but could you expound on this? Because it sounds as if our definitions are very far apart.

Sure. Assertive people don't care about running someone else's life for them. What they do care about is making other people know what their opinion is.

For instance, whenever some idiot in angst ignores everyone's suggestions for help, and the assholes start appearing who tell him to shape up or ship out.

Passive people are entirely capable of extreme clinginess. take for example tight-knit internet communities full of furries. They enable each other's behavior towards a downward spiral - not the furporn, but (for instance) living with their parents, avoiding work or higher education, applauding each other's bad art. It gets pretty creepily close sometimes.

There are also, of course, the passive-agressives who strive to annoy everyone around them eternally. That's a form of control in that it's impossible to have a good mood around them for long, among other things of course.

Double Post:

Originally Posted by Reznor

I am impatient, and I hate it when people won't decide. (Even though myself, I will not decide unless I am asked what I want to do and that it is my choice.)

Why don't you have more compassion and tolerance to people like yourself? Alternately, why don't you push yourself to being more decisive?

ps you're a bad leader :bobofrowny:

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