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Member 722
Level 44.20
Mar 2006
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Nov 13, 2007, 08:31 PM
Local time: Nov 13, 2007, 06:31 PM
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#1 of 13
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Okay, I just read this. Well, I'm not quite sure what to think of it. I guess in poems like that where the author is making life observations, that there is some sort of reflective turn-around to themselves, and in that respect it was vague. The structure was very organized, and grammar issues aside not bad at all. I'd try and make a few of the sentences a little less awkward sounding. Some of them sound pretty, but reading them back out loud reveals how unnatural they really are.
Example: "I see an athlete in a wheelchair; his eyes reflecting misery while he misses his olden days". Here I would not have used 'olden' and rephrased how his eyes are reflecting misery (Because I misread that at first as miserly ). Also, perhaps "wheelchair bound" or "slummped down in a wheelchair".
Well, I onto part 3 then (or part 1 if y'think I should bother).
Jam it back in, in the dark.
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