One loves one's tea

I exclusively drink loose-leaf brewed in a bone china teapot because I am a gentleman and a pretentious bastard.









It should be obvious that I have a thing for black teas - Lapsang Souchong and Oolong specifically. I've been drinking more Russian caravan than anything else lately, though; I'm running a bit low on everything but longjing (which I never drink). Lapsang is actually surprisingly good with milk and brown sugar, although adding the milk to a cup too early scalds the hell out of it and makes it taste like the sort of shit a station café would be embarrassed to serve. There's a fine balance involved.

Shameful confession: I do have a box of English breakfast teabags hidden at the back of a cupboard which I use when I'm feeling really fucking lazy.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Crash Landon

Cons against tea:

1: Takes too damned long to prepare. You boil water, then dip the bag or strain through loose leaves, and wait forever for the flavor to appear. Coffee works the same way but the process has at least been streamlined for quicker consumption.

2: Requires milk and sugar to be worthwhile. Might as well be drinking coffee at that point.

3: Caffiene level is laughable. Seriously, if that's one of your considerations, just drink coffee.

4: Pretentious flavors: To be fair, some coffee flavors are pretty pretentious too but at least you only sound like a moderate jackass for drinking a hazelnut mochaccino, not like an ass-ramming ponce for carrying around a pumpkin chai. Tea drinkers like to drink tea and brag about it because it makes them think they're sophisticated when, in actuality, they're just too pussified to have a cup of coffee.

5: Lack of drive-thru availability. Go to Tim Horton's or Dunkin Donuts. Do you see tea on the drive-thru menu? Probably not, and if you do, it's one basic option like "green tea" so that the franchise can project its trendiness. Which proves that the sensible people are drinking coffee and getting shit done.

6: You look like a fucking moron having a cigarette over a cup of tea. Who the hell do you think you are, the Rajah?

7: The term teabagging. Do you really want to be one step removed from that association? Ain't no such thing as a coffeebagger, now is there?

cons against apples:

they are not a citrus fruit

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Crash Landon

Cons against tea:

1: Takes too damned long to prepare. You boil water, then dip the bag or strain through loose leaves, and wait forever for the flavor to appear. Coffee works the same way but the process has at least been streamlined for quicker consumption.

2: Requires milk and sugar to be worthwhile. Might as well be drinking coffee at that point.

3: Caffiene level is laughable. Seriously, if that's one of your considerations, just drink coffee.

4: Pretentious flavors: To be fair, some coffee flavors are pretty pretentious too but at least you only sound like a moderate jackass for drinking a hazelnut mochaccino, not like an ass-ramming ponce for carrying around a pumpkin chai. Tea drinkers like to drink tea and brag about it because it makes them think they're sophisticated when, in actuality, they're just too pussified to have a cup of coffee.

5: Lack of drive-thru availability. Go to Tim Horton's or Dunkin Donuts. Do you see tea on the drive-thru menu? Probably not, and if you do, it's one basic option like "green tea" so that the franchise can project its trendiness. Which proves that the sensible people are drinking coffee and getting shit done.

6: You look like a fucking moron having a cigarette over a cup of tea. Who the hell do you think you are, the Rajah?

7: The term teabagging. Do you really want to be one step removed from that association? Ain't no such thing as a coffeebagger, now is there?

POINT THE FIRST: Tea has a far broader spectrum of flavour than coffee. I don't consider plain bread superior to toast by virtue of its preparation time.

POINT THE SECOND: Depends entirely on the tea. It's like saying any soup that doesn't contain carrots is shit.

POINT THE THIRD: If you're drinking tea for caffeine content, there's something wrong with you. You might as well boycott peanut butter for not tasting like smoked haddock.

POINT THE FOURTH: Pretentious flavours of tea and coffee are equally awful. You aren't a "moderate jackass" for drinking an ultra-triple upside-down sixteen-shot cinnamon caramel fracchiatto, you're a monumental prick. That your country has made a commercialised mess of a beverage doesn't make it inherently shit.

POINT THE FIFTH: Tea? In a drive-through? You mad?

POINT THE SIXTH: What

POINT THE SEVENTH:

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.