GFF Literary Workshop: Week 10

I just want to point out that this is closer to the original version of the story, not the modified (and likely better) version I actually submitted for a contest. The 1200 word count should be proof of this, considering the story had to be 1000 words to be submitted.

I couldn't locate the modified one, so I offer this one instead. The story is essentially the same, just a few details (some of which were likely unnecessary anyway) were removed later. That's all.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by orion_mk3

It seemed that the author was trying to use a hard-boiled noir narrative style; this was somewhat successful. The dialogue portion--indeed, virtually the only dialogue in the story--is a case in point; it seems to be trying too hard, with the protagonist delivering some awkward threats. Generally, though, the staccato, lean style was hard-boiled enough to suffice.

I'll look back over that portion and make some corrections.

Quote:

The biggest suggestion I can make is some thorough editing for style--there are a few places where awkward phrasing or punctuation could be smoothed over (the list of cases near the beginning, for example, begins with a comma and continues with semicolons). Other than that, the story is self-contained enough to stand on its own, and perhaps be joined by others in a similar vein.

That's something I'll have to review and something that may have been corrected in the other version. I hope I can find it.

I have actually written more with that character, the second being much less humorous and the current one closer to this one.

Thanks for commenting! Hopefully, I'll have the time to read and comment on Week 11's this weekend.

There's nowhere I can't reach.