GFF Literary Workshop: Trial Week 3

Read the piece last night, and again this morning. I must say i enjoy it, but it seems kind of empty. Number one, there's no dialogue, i realize that you refer to this as an essay. I didn't think this really fit the description of an essay, and more of an outline for a short story. Is this based on true events? What inspired it? If you gave some background to this piece it might be easier to see why you call it an essay, and why you've written it this way.

Number 2, i can't really sympathize with any of your characters, mostly because there's no character development. You also imply that this takes place in the real world, but i find the situation hard to believe. I don't think people would ever stick around as long as Kaleb did if the work he did was truly slave labor. This sounds, in the end, like a person is just bitching about how hard their job is. I'm not saying that's what you're doing (cause i don't know any of you motives behind writing this story) but it's what comes to mind when i consider this person is working at an office supplies store and tells us how the work situation is unfair because management doesn't help customers. Managers do plenty of work behind the scenes and hire people to help the customers for them. In the end, the problems don't seem real enough to me for me to really care. If this is fiction, that can easily be fixed, if not, i'm sorry, but that's how i see it as it stands.

The piece does well in setting up a good situation that should be expanded upon. I can see this becoming alot more, but it needs tweaking in it's conflict and situation. That's my two cents.

Jam it back in, in the dark.