Straight edge or not?

I hadn't ever heard this term either. It seemed easy enough to grasp at first, but after reading more I'm sufficiently confused. I'll just explain myself instead of mulling over the meaning of straight edge.

I'm a virgin to everything that might make me not straight edge (except eating meat, which I do without thought) and heavily reserved. On the other hand, I have a few friends who are the opposite, so I've been exposed to a lot. Our friendships have stuck all throughout grade-school and now we're almost to our third year of college, still going strong, despite our differences. What's strange is that I don't get along with people similar to me nearly as well. Obviously I don't give a damn what people do (short of acts that have victims); as long they're good company and cool to me, we're good to go.

I won't do anything unless I'm sure I want to do it. Peer-pressure just blows right by me, and I've been pressured to drink on many occasions. I am, however, not exactly proud of my iron will. Yesterday was my 21st birthday and I went to an unrelated party with some friends. I've never had a sip of anything alcoholic. Of course, that information got blurted quick. I was hardly the center of attention or anything, although the host, a girl our age who was a friend of my friends and merely my acquaintance, was really trying to get me to drink something. At one point she was in my face with a spoon of mixed smoothie; had me backing up in circles. I'm ashamed to admit that I enjoyed that moment.

What would have been better--much better--is if I had just let her do it. I've built up this arbitrary barrier for myself. A major difference between me and I'm sure many straight edge folks is that I haven't made any decision at all in regard to drinking. I don't know what to do with it. I think in my mind it's ridiculously close in magnitude to jumping off a bridge, and that's why I leave the whole choice alone. It's "pending." I'm not worried about self-control.

I just decided as I was typing that I'm going to get over this on New Year's Eve. All this is silly and not a big deal at all. I've built it up waaaaaaay too much. This is freaking leftovers from my childhood. I used to get deeply sad about arbitrary changes if they were irreversible, or only happened once in a lifetime.

Maybe my case can help put this in perspective for anyone wondering why some people don't drink. Granted, I don't know anyone like myself (probably more out there like me than I think), but it's nonetheless not all about morals, self-doubt, and smugness.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Yeah, what they told us in school is part of it. I shy away from anything "bad" or "wrong," and back then, it was. It stuck. Now that I'm responsible enough and have seen plenty of it, I see nothing wrong with it. I've just built it up into this huge thing for years.

There's nowhere I can't reach.