[DnD] Tomb of Horrors (GFF D&D Adventure X)

I wasn't entirely sure quite how I'd ended up becoming a registered mercenary. After all, it wasn't like I spent all my time running violent odd-jobs for cash, quite the opposite in fact. My years long quest to track down the evil cultists who murdered my parents had, granted, dragged me all over the continent and certainly a lot of people had offered me money to go off and kill monsters and things, probably mistaking my simple woodsmans axe for a weapon of war. Of course, being a pacifist and abhorrent of all kinds of martial displays I had turned them down but it was uncanny how often I had woken from one of my crippling migraines to find that some other fellow had come along while I was in a daze, murdered an entire mountain full of demons and then left without a word, leaving the locals convinced that it had been me who'd done it and showering me with gold. It was rather embarrasing to be honest and so I had come to Freeport in the hope that in a town already chock full of swords for sale, I might escape notice and be able to knuckle down and find the patricidal bastards and bring them to justice. Sadly, Freeport seemed almost completely devoid of Goblins and those I had attempted to capture and interrogate had proved slippery and, sadly, a bit fragile.

It was primarily for this reason that I had signed up to the guild, hoping that a few of the members might be a bit more academically bent than myself and could help shed some light on my thus far fruitless quest.

The Sages had for some bizarre reason decided that I was suitable for a job involving tracking down a liche in a tomb. I told them that there would be little call for a simple woodcutter like myself in a tomb underground but I can only guess they knew about my hobby of solving mazes and figured the underground tomb might be a bit twisty-turny. I fervently hoped that the rumours were exaggerated though, my new companions certainly looked a rough bunch and I had no desire to be caught up in any rough-housing, I'd probably just get in the way.

I stood, staring at my feet nervously as the group assembled. Meeting new people had never been my forte and all these weapons made me particularly wary. The others introduced themselves in curt, milataristic fashions and they all looked very professional as they examined the entrance to the tomb. Not wanting to show myself up as the obvious amateur in the group, I quietly introduced myself in what I hoped was my best, gruff mercenary voice.

"Ah, hello chaps. My name is Beefi, Beefi Kertanz, pleasure to meet you all. Shall we er, get this show on the road then? Don't want to keep the blighters waiting, what?"

I chuckled nervously as they all gave me slightly funny looks. It was going to be a long day I could tell. Rather than extend the awkward silence, I strode forward into the gloom.

Let's do this shit, onwards down the stairs

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I had on my travels found myself in quite a few odd catacombs and from experience, I knew that the people who built these things seemed obsessed with setting up traps to keep unwelcome visitors out. Always seemed a bit silly to me as surely it made getting in and out yourself rather annoying and in fact dangerous if you happened to be drunk or something. Gods knows I had managed to injure myself pretty badly once or twice just tripping over my own feet, without leaving rigged crossbows around the place.

Not wishing to further prove my amateurism by setting off a trap, I looked warily around the room, avoiding touching the obvious possible dangers of the red tiles and box. A sudden thought occured to me, if I was building a deathtrap, I'd want a secret entrance that bypassed all the traps so I could get in easily. Figuring the more experienced members of my new team wouod deal with any traps, I poked and prodded the painted walls, looking for a secret door.

Search for secret doors

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I jumped as the floor opened up next to me and the halfling fell into the pit. My mother had always told me not to go around touching things that didn't belong to you and not for the first time, her advice seemed to ring true.

The little lizard guy seemed to be the inquisitive type and I'll admit I too was curious as to what was behind the hollow sounding wall. I wasn't sure that my curiousity was grounds enough to go smashing up somebody else's wall though. In an attempt to distance myself from the wanton vandalism, I helped Samwise clamber out of the pit, steadfastly keeping my back turned to the dismantling of the wall. I sighed deeply as I noticed the attempts to get at the contents of the strongbox were continuing, despite it clearly a) belonging to someone else and b) just being a trap.

The writing on the floor appeared to be a riddle of some kind, offering advice to would be tomb raiders in an unhelpful fashion. As with the traps, I had never seen the point in these cryptic clues dungeon builders seemed so fond of. Either you want people to stay out or you want them to get in, make your mind up.

Figuring there was unlikely to be more than one pitfall trap in this corridor, despite the assurances of the poem to the contrary, I worked my way down the side of the corridor, tapping the wall with the butt of my axe as I went, looking for more hollow sounding spots. It looked as though Slim was determined to dismantle the whole tomb looking for loot and though I disapproved of thievery, I figured the quicker he found everything of value in the area, the quicker we could move on.

Help Samwise out of the pit, with or without the chest. Look for more hollow sounding spots

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

A secret passageway! This adventure was getting more exciting by the minute, although that is was bricked up rather than covered by a door suggested that there was nothing particularly of use down there and the passage looked no less creepy and dangerous than the other options. Not having my own source of illumination, I waited for someone else to check out the new passage and while I waited, picked up a chunk of masonry from what used to be the wall and tossed it through the big, green devil head, not convinced personally that walking through it would be a good idea.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

The halfling seemed the most experienced of our motley crew and I figured that if I followed his lead, the others might not realise how out of my depth I was here. I followed him down the corridor as stealthily as I could.

Most amazing jew boots

5 Dice Rolls *Extra damage

The gargoyle rushed into the corridor, raking the minotaur with it's claws before the barbarian had a chance to react. As deep wounds were rent in his flesh, the minotaurs eyes rolled back into his head and he let out a hideous, bestial cry.

MMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The minotaur pirouetted on the spot, swinging his massive axe at the head of his adversary before flowing gracefully into a mighty overhead strike, the cow-man's muscles honed from years of cleaving through his enemies.

The first swing carved a huge chunk from the gargoyle and the second did barely less injury to the fell creature, buying his team some time to re-group to finish off the impudent creature that had dared to assault the rightly feared barbarian, slayer of armies and vanquisher of myriad foes far bigger and uglier than this whelp.

The minotaur snorted noisily, staring at the gargoyle with maddened eyes, daring the thing to try and hit him again

Immediate action - Curtain of Steel (11+ to hit)
On Beefi's turn - Avalanche strike (11+ to hit)

CoS - 37 damage
AS - 29 damage
Extra damage from Sam - 5 damage
Total = 71 damage

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

5 Dice Rolls *Slam damage

Not for the first time, the minotaur's enemy was trying to escape his wrath. Not for the first time, the mighty warrior lowered his head and charged after his quarry.

Charge to E-1, Goring Charge on gargoyle (8+ to hit)
Damage 1D8+1D6+7+2=19 damage and gargoyle is knocked prone
Shift to F0 using boots power

The heavy impact knocked the monster to the floor, the momentum carrying the barbarian across the body of his foe. Once more the minotaur spun mid-stride before delivering a powerful uppercut to the prone form of the gargoyle with the flat of his axe.

Action point! Brutal Slam on gargoyle (11+ to hit plus whatever bonus you get for hitting prone people, +2 combat advantage?)
Damage 2D12+7+2+5=23 damage, gargoyle is pushed 2 squares north (into the pit) and is even more prone

The minotaur finished his strike with a smooth follow-through, ending in a picture-book pose with his axe flat across his back. He uttered a throaty war cry.

"FORE!"

FELIPE NO

1 Die Roll Roll a dice

Seeing the living statue so easily escape the pit, the minotaur resolved that he would stay down there this time. Setting off at a flat run, he followed his opponent, leaping high in the air when he reached the lip of the pit before twisting in midair and falling, elbow-first after the monster, driving his joint into the monster with his full weight behind it.

Er, charge attack I guess, not sure if there are any official rules for 30ft elbow drops.

In years to come, when artists painted great works to honour the epic battles of the minotaur Beefi Kertanz, for some unknown reason he would froever be depicted in this moment wearing tight, spandex shorts.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

His opponent vanquished, the minotaur looked around for more fresh meat to slay but seeing he was alone in the pit, he uttered one further bestial cry before promptly fainting, slumping safely against the pit wall.

I shook my head, hoping to clear my vision as I groggily came round. I must have had another of my turns and by the looks of things, managed to fall into the pit in the process. Wincing in pain from the large gashes in my arm, I called out to my companions, hoping to hide the embarrassment in my voice.

"Er, hello up there, chaps? Anyone there? I, er, well, I, um, seem to have fallen into this beastly hole, heh heh. I don't suppose one of you gentlemen would mind awfully securing the other end of this to something while I climb out?"

I tossed one end of my chain and grapple up out of the pit and waited for the sound of someone fixing it to something solid. While I was waiting, I pondered at how quite so much masonry had ended up in the pit with me, I was pretty sure it wasn't here before. My eyes, caught a scrap of material with what looked like a gem attached to it so I picked it up. The blue quartz set off some nagging reminder in the back of my head but still a little unsteady from my fall I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Once I had clambered out of the pit, aided by the ferocious looking Kobold, I had a better look at the trinket I had found. I thought at first it must have belonged to the Halfling who might have dropped it when he fell in himself but it didn't really look like his kind of thing, it was far too big for him for starters. Remembering the blue jem posted above the archway down the hall, I moved towards the arch, slowly, looking back and forth from the necklace to the gem set in the stone work to see if there was any reaction.

Spend a healing surge

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I was never a fan of the dark so I hurried back to join the others. In the big room they were in, I examined the ceiling, hoping the clue was an easy one.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I couldn't help but notice the continual references my erstwhile colleagues kept making to beef food products. I assumed it was all good natured camaraderie but made a mental note to not sleep too deeply in their company, lest one of them tried to eat me.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Having already taken one trip down to the bottom of a pit today, I was loathe to make a repeat performance. I stood in the doorway of the eastern room and looked for any obvious signs of traps. Assuming I didn't see any, I went over and listened at the door on the southern wall of the room.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Luckily, I had always been good at maths based puzzles, you could say in fact that I Excelled at them...

"Well I would say that Greta is married to Jared, Elena to Radu and Nara to Callum. Greta gets 142 gold and her husband 284. Elena gets 132 whilst her husband gets 198 leaving 122 for Nara and Callum each. I do hope that helps with your little quandry"

How ya doing, buddy?

I was intrigued by the sounds of argument from the next room. My mother had always taught me to be polite and I didn't see why that should stop just because I was in a crypt full of death traps.

I knocked on the door and awaited a response.

FELIPE NO

1 Die Roll Being nice is good

I was aware of my somewhat sheltered upbringing but on my travels I had visited many strange cultures and I was certainly aware of the cult known as the Humus-sexualists. From what I had heard, they shunned the normal mating practices of their respective races, prefering the company of their same gender and delighting in performing bizarre rituals featuring root vegetables.

Very conscious that again, I was at risk of appearing the rank amateur of the group, I strode boldly into the room.

"Hello there chaps. Now I don't want to be one to judge and of course what an elf gets up to in his own home is his own business so let's all just agree to get along, what?"

I continued in a conspiratorial whisper.

"Between you and me, these fellows are, well, rather of a violent bent and I'm not sure they're quite as au fait with alternative cultures and lifestyles as I am so it'd probably be best for everyone if you could just give us a quick heads up about this here crypt. You've obviously been here a while so you must have some idea of the lay of the land, no? We've been sent down here to get rid of some frightful undead sort who's building an army or some such nonsense. Anyway, chances are it'd be a jolly bad showing for everyone if we let him get away with it so if you could just tell us about any undead lords you've seen down here and maybe fill us in on how to get into the depths of this crypt without triggering too many more of these accursed traps then we can be on our way and you can get back to, well, whatever it was you were up to. OK? Yes? Deal?"

I had had a great deal of success with negotiations of this type in the past although strangely, these attempts at parlay were often the trigger for my funny turns and more often than not, by the time I woke up everyone seemed to have eviscerated themselves and usually, all over me and my axe. Quite an objectionable turn of events to be sure so I gritted my teeth and prayed that I would not be beset by ill health on this occasion.

diplomacy check to get info from the Elves

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

What a thoroughly nice pair of chaps the elves had turned out to be. Taking their advice to heart, I wondered what the keystones might be. Surely it couldn't be anything as obvious as the gems mounted around the edge of the arch? Perhaps the riddle on the floor was in some way related to a sequence in which one had to press the buttons, I would have to ponder that later once we got back there, assuming we didn't find an alternative route through these endless doors and chambers. It crossed my mind that an architectural feat such as this crypt would surely have some fairly comprehensive blueprints lying around somewhere and perhaps it might be safer to spend some time in the local libraries looking for tham rather than wandering around aimlessly as we currently were. I suspected however that the rest of the team wouldn't be quite so interested in that line of investigation so kept my thoughts to myself for the time being.

The wolfman was checking out the next door and we were still waiting for the elemental to join us so I had a better look at the abacus I had been given, to see if was just an ornament or something more significant. After that, I mosied around the room a bit, looking out for any other secret doors or cubbyholes.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Garold reported hearing nothing but running water from the next room which in itself seemed a bit odd for an underground crypt nowhere near any rivers. Still, I didn't fancy going back through the weird dream puzzle room again so onward seemed the only option. Tentatively, I pushed the door open with my axe, unless it was a pull door, in which case I pulled it open with my hands.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

The room ahead of us seemed to be some kind of mechanical lift contraption if the sign was a truthful one. Sadly, there only appeared to be space for four of us. Luckily, one of us was still messing about in the vision room.

I suggested to the shifter, kobold and halfling that we should perhaps all climb in and pull the levers.

How ya doing, buddy?

I knew little of aquatic dangers. On the odd occasion when I had needed to traverse any bodies of water, I had called on the services of my trusty steed, a shark I had named Bubbles, whose ferocious visage whilst quite at odds with his placid nature, had served to frighten off anything that had been interested in eating me.

I was quite perplexed as to why someone would have bothered to make it so hard to get into this crypt. The pallbearers must have had a devil of a time getting the coffin down here when Von Brandt had died. Still, this latest obstacle was nothing a bit of lateral thought wouldn't solve.

I had a chain and a grapple that might serve as an improptu bridge although I wasn't convinced any of the others could hold my weight. Holding one end of the chain, I swung the grapple and tossed it towards the trapdoor, looking for a purchase.

I wasn't sure what, if any climbing equipment the others had brought but it seemed to me that if one or two had ropes or chains we could toss the ends to each other and form a sort of web of ropes that might prove easier to cross than a single line and I vocalised as such to the others.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

1 Die Roll Boing!

I continued tossing the grapple end of my chain over to the free platform until I figured it was vaguely attached then tied the other end round my waist. Hoping that my years of playing hopscotch as a child would serve me well, I did a few warm-up lunges before leaping towards the platform.

I made it, barely, and scrabbled up onto the platform, investigating the hatch once I was sure of my footing.

How ya doing, buddy?

I attempted to open the hatch, teetering on the edge of the platform in the process. With it open, I listened out for any sounds below before hooking my grapple over the edge and dropping my chain into the hole below.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I slid down the chain into the room below, hoping that my enthusiasm wouldn't be me undoing if there happened to be a bunch of nasty creatures looking for a fight down there.

FELIPE NO

Tiring of relying on the others for illumination, I removed the lantern from the wall, resolving to return it to it's rightful place on our way back out. Never let it be said that Beefi Kertanz took something that wasn't his without permission. I waited for the other two to emerge, not wanting to inadvertantly blunder into any pit traps like the ones we found in the first corridor and with no obvious way back up out of the fish room, wanting to retrieve my chain before heading onwards.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Vaguely remembering something from the crappy poem on the floor by the entrance about avoiding green and black or red being good options (And wondering if we could have just walked through the first misty portal to get here rather than mucking about with trap rooms and homosexual elves), I took a closer look at the picture of the hydra.

Jam it back in, in the dark.