Your best story

Well I've told this story before but I think it's worth telling again...

This tale takes place in the early summer of 1999. I was at university in Salford and doing all those things students do so well, drinking, taking drugs and having recently split up with a fairly serious girlfriend, shagging anything with tits. In Manchester, the city to which Salford is attached, there were at the time a number of clubs where during the week they had ridiculous drinks offers, sometimes as little as 50p a drink. Needless to say, we were all smashed most of the time. The routine was to hit the club, drink lots, quickly then scout around for a young lady to go home with, starting with the fittest there and gradually lowering your standards until youfound someone compliant.

On this particular evening, the drinking had reached previously unfounded levels. I'd bumped into my ex with her new boyfriend, the sleazy guy she had the audacity to cheat on me with (I can't really take the moral high ground here, I'm fairly rubbish at staying faithful in relationships and I did beat the ever living shit out of him at uni in front of all his mates and several campus security who luckily, me and a mate were paying off to turn a blind eye to our weed dealing business and who took very little interest in the whole business. Got me quite a reputation that little skuffle) and it had hit me hard so all thoughts of women was replaced with a fervent need to get completely slaughtered. So I did.

Round after round of beers with double vodka chasers; in three hours I'd drunk enough to kill a normal man and was frankly in no fucking state for anything. The night was drawing to a close and in my drunken state, I decided the time was right to go on the pull. I lurched around the club, upsetting several young women until eventually and some might suggest miraculously, I got chatting to one bird and five minutes later, we were full on sucking face.

If I'm honest, I remember very little of the rest of the evening. I remember leaving the club and getting in a taxi heading east out of the town centre (Salford, where I lived is west of Manchester). We got back to this girl's flat, a pokey dive on the edge of Mosside as it turns out, murder capital of England at the time. One thing led to another rather rapidly and we ended up attempting to have sex. I was truly plastered, absolutely incapable, I remember falling off the bed at one point and when she asked me to take her from behind I stuck my dick right in her arse, she wasn't too impressed. Anyhow, after an hour or so I passed out.

A few hours later I woke up again. I had no idea where I was, no recollection of how I'd got there and only a splitting headache to show for it. I could see a digital clock and it was about 6 in the morning. I groped around for a glass of water and it was at this point my hand encountered flesh. I looked down and saw a sight that damn near struck me blind.

Lying next to me was the fattest, ugliest trog-beast that human kind has ever spawned. She was repulsive in every way, the gold thong round her ankles gave her an air of Jabba the Hutt wearing Princess Leia's bikini. I damn near vomitted there on the spot. I rolled out of the bed and hit the floor with a bang. The she-beast grunted but luckily stayed asleep. Still fuzzy (And probably still pissed) I had only one thought on my mind, escape!

I grabbed my clothes and dressed as quietly as I could and began to sneak towards the door and freedom. At this point though, my natural criminal tendencies kicked in and I looked around the room for stuff to steal. In the end I took a couple of cds, The 1999 Ministry Album and a couple of others I didn't really want but figured I could use for coasters. I also noticed she had a table covered in shot glasses, each marked with a different national flag, clearly a full set. I stole Spain and Canada.

I made it out of the house and when the door slammed behind me I fucking RAN, randomly through the streets until I was sure she'd never find me.

Sadly this left me in the position where I had no fucking idea where I was and with an uneasy feeling that I was in Mosside. I remembered that the taxi had gone east so I did the only sensible thing, put the rising sun behind me and started walking. I found a newsagent that sold me a can of beer long before I found a main road but luckily, after a good hour of walking I found a bus stop with a numebr on I recognised. Jumped on a bus and made my way home.

When I got home my mates were all still in bed so I simply laid out my spoils of war on the kitchen table and went to bed myself. The following evening they all asked me all about it but what else could I do but feign amnesia and deny all knowledge.

I'd love to say I learned a lesson from this and I probably did. Next time, I'll nick her fucking wallet...

Jam it back in, in the dark.