[DnD] Welcome to the Dungeon of Doom!

The horde were ripping chunks out of the goblin with the silly hat and the sight of them all playing together so nicely brought a smile to my face. The big goblin was clearly a dead goblin walking so I turned my attention to the other beast.

I fired off a frost ray at her, then ducked back into the corridor for cover, in case she had any more of those nasty looking javlins about her person.

Ray of Frost on female goblin then move back into corridor out of harm's way

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Before I had the chance to properly take stock of the situation, my necrotic underlings were already stripping the bodies of the dead. The rogue mumbled something then headed off round the corner. Strangely the sound of his footsteps suddenly ceased and I had a strange feeling we might not be seeing him again. It was no great loss though, he had seemed a thoroughly disreputable chap and was a real negative influence on the morale of the group.

I gave each of the dead goblins a kick to see if they had jangly purses about them anywhere. Obviously I was above such materialistic thoughts but the coins made for useful reagents from time to time.

Despite the rigours of combat, I felt strangely more powerful follwing the fight, as if my mind had somehow assimilated new knowledge out of thin air. There was definitely something odd going on in this dungeon and I was more determined than ever to get to the bottom of it.

Seeing nothing of further interest in the room, I waited for the horde to get their collective breath back (An odd turn of phrase when remarking on the actions of the undead, granted). They all seemed to be experiencing similar feelings of new-found power to myself and I felt that we needed a few moments to adjust.

I was speaking idiomatically.

The more intelligent of the dwarves had discovered a secret chamber. Using one's head for mining seemed an odd concept but perhaps that's why dwarves are so short? Generations of cranial excavation had flattened the entire race.

The goblins having provided nothing of discernable value, I checked the newly discovered bodies for anything that might be of use to us. I also helped myself to a quick snack from the kitchen. All the fighting had made me hungry.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

My heightened elvish senses alerted me to impending danger. I looked around and saw that the ugly dwarf and the human had disappeared off round the corner.

I gave up trying to wrench the gold teeth out of the corpse in front of me and hurried to join them. Then, as an afterthought I went back in to the kitchen and used a knife to hack one of the hands off a dead goblin, just in case the situation arose later when it would be hilarious to offer to "Lend someone a hand". I also retrieved my wand from where I'd dropped it and tucked it into my belt.

I hurried up to where the dwarf and human were and took up a tactical covering position, safely behind them both.

FELIPE NO

I realised that someone needed to take charge of the situation. "Right then. It seems clear to me that you furry fellows need this cup thing but are incapable of recovering it yourselves. Now I don't know why you need it so badly but I'm blowed if we're going to go and get it for you out of the goodness of our hearts. Seems to me you chaps want to be offering us some kind of reward and probably a few choice trinkets before we set off. So what are you offering then? And bear in mind that should you mess us about, my slighty dead colleagues here won't hesitate to tear you all into very small pieces".

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Fine, I thought, damn cheapskate Kobolds. With no other viable options, and concious that for whatever reason, the Kobolds had a massive fucking lizard tied up round the corner, I grudgingly accepted the idea of entering the lower levels of certain death.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

"Just as a matter of interest, how long have you little guys been down here? Because it occurs to me, that if it was long enough to set up a little base down here then it was surely long enough for you all to just tunnel out of here. I mean, that big hunk of rock blocking the entrance wasn't that big and you have quite the little setup here. Also, it was you guys who were communicating with the mage upstairs through that tube wasn't it? So you're probably part of whatever passes for the establishment in this place anyway. And where do you get your food from? And who put you here in the first place? And what's to say you're not sending us to our doom down there? Or even worse, sending us to fetch this cup for you and then setting up some kind of ambush for when we get back, probably involving that big old lizard you've got tied up round the corner?

I'm no expert in dungeon organisation or anything but this all smells rather fishy at the moment and I don't think it's the dwarf this time."

I turned to address the horde.

"Don't you chaps agree that it might be rather more prudent to subdue these little chaps a little, just to keep them honest while we're off throwing our lives away on a futile quest for a cup? Seems to me that there's a wonderfully convenient jail cell just round the corner, I vote we lock these guys up until we get back and then, should any of them not have been eaten by the big lizard, we'll let them out and play cups together"

There's nowhere I can't reach.

The horde seemed to be ignoring me and from what little of their weird, gutteral tongue I could understand, they appeared to be quite happy to wander merrily to their deaths in the darkness beyond.

"Fine, I can see I'm outnumbered but if we make it back up here with the cup and then get eaten by the big lizard, don't say I didn't warn you".

With that, I shot the elderly Kobold an evil look and followed the big human to certain death in the tunnels below.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I heard it said that where one door closes, another opens, or something like that anyway. I had never been all that good with doors to be honest. No sooner had we lost the rogue than we had stumbled across another wayward soul.

This one appeared to be a small child. Quite what a child was doing in this gods forsaken place I was not sure but here one was. It started speaking but to my dismay it seemed to speak the same strange language as the horde and I could not understand a word it was saying. The high pitched voice suggested a female and the cleverer of my dwarven companions seemed instantly enamoured of her, moving to protect her as the ugly dwarf and the human engaged in their favourite passtime of smashing doors apart.

I was troubled by the sign hanging off the door but I knew there was no stopping these two when they had an idea so I let them get on with it. Besides, I was hoping to test the extent of my new-found powers and sinister looking doors generally hid assailants of some sort in this place. In fact most of the harmless looking doors had lead to violence so far.

"Well we can't very well leave a child here and you never know when we might need someone to go crawling down a really small hole for us. We'll bring the kid along with us but let's try not to get her killed too quickly eh? I've still not managed to work out how I ressurected you lot and until I do, this is something of a dungeon quest of attrition".

I moved to stand behind the ugly dwarf, patting him on the head in a reassuring fashion as we waited to see what the big guy would fins behind the door.

Most amazing jew boots

The room had the appearance of some kind of dormitory. Reasoning that nobody would be so stupid as to put traps in a room they were sleeping in, I moved around the room freely, examining the walls for the kind of loose brick cubby holes one was likely to find in any communal sleeping area.

Once that was complete, I examined the southern door from the top of the stairs, my keen elf ears alert for any sounds from beyond. With so many possible routes available to us I was becoming somewhat twitchy, never wanting to miss out on an adventure through going down the wrong tunnel.

How ya doing, buddy?

I could count on one hand the number of times in my life that the sound of marching jack-boots had been a good thing and each of those occasions had been at a Laibach concert. The way those crazy Easterners managed to train a troll to march in step like that was a testament to their devotion to true art, as much as to the application of several litres of sedative and some frightfully powerful binding spells. Their track for track cover album of Let it bleed by the Beetles, a band comprised entirely of giant cockroaches, was a modern masterpiece.

Knowing that there were those in the party far better suited to close combat than I and not wishing to get in their way, I backed away from the door, positioning myself woth a clear line of sight at whatever might be about to come through it.

Dropping my staff at my feet and unslinging my bow, I notched and drew an arrow, ready to send it flying into the face of whatever was about to join us. The chances are that one of my spells would be more effective but the rules of elvish adventuring clearly state that when faced with an unknown assailant behind a closed door, one must greet their arrival with a well-placed arrow, thereby gaining first blood bragging rights, should some lesser creature manage to technically score more kills than you during the encounter. I hated archery and my bow was little more than an ornamental childs toy but there are some traditions one just can't go against.

I steeled myself, bow drawn, ready to drop the piece of crap and get spell casting as soon as my arrow had been fired.

Move 7 squares north (Mainly to emphasise how much quicker Bob can run than everyone else), drop staff, draw bow, aim at door and shoot whatever comes through it

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

My surprise arrow had done a surprising amount of damage to the undead monstrosity in the doorway, perhaps more than I might have achieved with a spell. Having lugged all these arrows around with me so far it seemed a shame not to use them so I drew another and in one smooth motion, sent it whistling towards the unholy terror.

Shoot another arrow at the wight

FELIPE NO

The wight brushed my arrow out of the air which was of course exactly what I'd been planning. The arrow ricocheted off the wall and flew back towards the wight.

Elven accuracy, reroll arrow attack

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Shooting arrows at the wight was getting me nowhere so I dropped my bow and drew my staff. The ugly dwarf seemed unnerved by what ever was round the corner and curiosity got the better of me. I ran to get a better view of the horrors about to flank us and was greeted by the sight of a huge group of zombies. Tightly packed as they were, they made an ideal target for big explosions...

Move east until I see the zombies, scorching burst in the middle of them so I hit 9

Most amazing jew boots

The zombies continued to shuffle relentlessly towards us, no doubt spurred on by the promise of fresh brains for lunch. Once again, I lashed the group with eldritch fire, before retreating out of sight of the leader.

Scorching Burst into the group again then retreat west so the wight can't see me

There's nowhere I can't reach.

My body was wracked with pain, so much so I could not move! The child had displayed a remarkable power, blasting the zombies with some kind of holy aura and though I was rooted in place, I could still focus enough to use magic. Pressing home our advantage, I lashed the group of zombies once again with a maelstrom of whirling flames.

Scorching Burst centered on zombie A

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

The shorter of the dwarves had shouted something at me as he rejoined the fray. I couldn't understand a word of it of course but it certainly made me feel much better. Sadly, I was still rooted to the spot and unable to take up a more tactical position, behind someone else.

I was temted to blast the distant group of zombies in order to hopefully finish them off but unable to move as I was, slowing the closer group seemed a much more sensible option so, looking the wight in what might once have been it's eyes, I gathered my will and immolated him with a pillar of flame an angry dragon would have been proud of.

Scorching burst, centered on wight

How ya doing, buddy?

I blasted the group of zombies again, before ducking away from the one trying to eat the child.

Scorching burst on zombie C, then shift one square west

I was speaking idiomatically.

Concerned about the zombie right in front of me, I dodged back and froze it with a Forst Ray.

Shift one square west, Ray of Frost on zombie D

How ya doing, buddy?

Bits of zombie were scattered across the room as the horde went about the business of chopping them up. A couple were left standing so I aimed another burst of flames at them, hoping to end this little encounter once and for all.

Scorching Burst between the zombies and one square north so as not to friendly fire anyone

FELIPE NO

With our enemies vanquished, I sat down on the floor to catch my breath. Once refreshed, I picked myself up and had a nose around the room, looking for any indication of why the undead had been stalking these halls, keeping an eye out for secret treasure, doors and so forth.

Healing surge back to full health

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

"Woohoo!" I yelled, "Secret doors, how EXCITING!".

I was always a sucker for secret doors and ran to where the child had found the outline of a door, looking for the opening mechanism.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I sneaked up to the doors as quietly as I could, ignoring the racket that our fight and the opening of the doors must have made. I listened at the door and tried to peer through the gap between the doors.

Most amazing jew boots

Almost as an afterthought, I sneaked back down the steps, ran and retrieved my bow then went back to listening at the door.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I made a series of hand gestures intended to convey to the Horde my intention to through the door open and slaughter everyone on the other side of it. Our run of victories had emboldened me and the chamber of goblins being on our side were slim. I raised my staff, ready to hurl fire or ice at whatever was behind the door and threw it open with a blood curdling battle cry!

How ya doing, buddy?