[DnD] Welcome to the Dungeon of Doom!

The jelly beast had been split asunder and now there were two of the vile monstrosities. I aimed my staff at the nearest one and unleashed my frost ray.

Ray of frost at closest slime

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Following the demise of the jelly creatures, the horde had promptly all fallen asleep. It seemed as though twenty minutes exertion was their limit for a single day. I knew that humans and dwares had weak constitutions compared to us elves but this was, frankly, ridiculous. If we kept up this pace we had better hope that the way out of this place was no more than three rooms further away or else we would die of old age long before any beasts worthy of our battle prowess could find and kill us.

I remained awake for a while after the others had gone to sleep, reflecting on the events of the day (Well, the last half hour anyway, I had been unconcious on the floor of a dungeon before that). I realised that despite their universal hideousness and incomprihensible dialects, I had grown quite fond of my minions in the short time I had known them. The camp dwarf in particular seemed an enthusiastic and jolly fellow, even if he was all but incapable of hitting a sedated sloth with that hammer of his. At least he was trying hard and what more could a mighty necromancer ask of his underlings? The shifty looking human I was less than impressed with. His predaliction for sneaking off and magpie-esque obsession with collecting shiny things seemed to be distracting him somewhat and I decided I would have to have a quiet word with him at some point. Not in front og the others though, I did not want to create any division in the ranks as it were. Of the other two, the mighty human, though slow and a little rash was a capable fighter and the crown he was wearing was rather endearing. The other dwarf seemed to have a positive effect on the others and in fact I sensed some strong underlying leadership qualities in this one. Perhaps one day he might make a semi-decent captain in my army.

With these thoughts still flitting through my mind, I lay down on some sack cloth from the toilet and drifted off to sleep.

I awoke to the sound of a noisy conversation. Fearing that more goblins had come to find their friends, I quickly cast light from the end of my staff and surveyed the room, my keen elf senses alert for any potential danger. My fears were allayed however when I saw that the weird noises were coming form the horde who were having some kind of conference in the northern room. It looked as though they were comparing shields or something. Perhaps this was the begininngs of some rudimentary bartering skills amongst the zombies? I picked myself up and took a drink from my water skin. The skin felt dangerously empty and given our slow progress thus far, I made a mental note to keep an eye out for any sources of water.

Picking my way past the rat corpses littering the ground, I joined the group in the northern room.

The large man was now holding both his own and the dwarf's shield and appreared to be readying himself to charge down the corridor leading off this room. Peeking down the corridor from the cover of the doorway, I saw a sturdy door at the far end at surmised that the horde planned to break it down. Where this obsession with breaking down doors came from I did not know but it seemed to me a waste of a perfectly good door.

Suspecting that the first person through the door once it was opened would not necessarily be welcomed with tea and cake, and not wishing to fall victim to any sneak attacks by goblins, I conjured forth a Mage hand and sent it floting down the corridor to try the handle of the door. Just because these things are sturdy, does not always mean they are locked...

I decided while my ethereal hand was nearing the door that should the big chap need to charge down the corridor anyway, I would at least help him out by distracting anyone who might be waiting behind the door by using my mystical Ghost sound powers to produce a sound from behind the door, probably something along the lines of "Excuse me, do you mind awfully if I distract you for a minute". The classics were classics for a reason.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I was more than a little surprised when the door latch clicked and the door swung open, unlocked. My surprise lessened when I saw the dwarf standing in the now open doorway. Dwarves as a race are as renowned for their lack of common sense as much as their lack of personal hygeine.

I chuckled slightly and once again thanked my hero, Georgopolis Lucasius for the inspiration he had given me as a child to persue a career in magic. His epic series of plays Ye Battle In A Place Both Far Away And A Long Time Ago, A Trilogy in Sixe Parts featured a bold cadre of wizards who fought an evil empire of tyranical megalomaniacs to free the realm of fear and darkness and allow dwarves, humans and elves to live freely in peace. Of course the series was totally far-fetched, to believe that the evil forces would commit so many serious errors of judgement as to allow four people to overthrow their entire empire was nonsense, especially as the bad guys were almost universally from the isle of Albion and everyone knows people from there make the best evil plotters. Still, it was those plays which had piqued my interest in the ways of magic (And of becoming a dark lord myself) and without Papa Lucasius' influence, I might have become a common archer or even, heavens forbid, a priest of some description.

Though I had spared the big fellow a bruised shoulder, the dwarf behind the door had almost gifted him a new nostril with a bolt from his crossbow. The bolt had shot far wide of it's target though and I thought now would be a perfect opportunity to demonstrate to my companions how one should correctly operate a ranged weapon. Dropping my staff to the floor, I unslung my bow and in one smooth motion, drew an arrow and sent it whistling down the corridor towards the dwarf.

Drop staff, draw bow, switch off targetting computer, shoot at dwarf, trust in the force (Elven accuracy if I miss)

How ya doing, buddy?

Battle was joined and the horde had launched into what was becoming a familiar battle plan. The large human had charged into combat and I could hear the sound of fists connecting with flesh from the direction he had gone, along with some bestial snarling and some unpleasant ripping noises. The ugly dwarf had quickly followed and was engaged in his favourite sport of not hitting things. The other two were, true to form loitering at the back of the group, the dwarf no doubt concocting a master plan, the human looking for something to steal.

Knowing my own limitations in the field of hand to hand combat as much as I knew my race's natural predeliction for bowmanship, I took aim at the enemy dwarf and sent him another arrow to add to his growing collection.

Fire bow at dwarf, innit

I was speaking idiomatically.

Realising the importance of a solid defence in a combat such as this, I went back to retrieve my staff, the innate defensive powers of which had saved me on more than one occasion in the past.

Head back down the corridor, pick up and equip my staff and then move down to stand behind everyone else

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

What had at first seemed like a battle we were doomed to lose seemed to now be swinging in our favour. The two dwarves and the big human had formed an effective defensive line and were methodically battering away at the enemies. It reminded me of the little get togethers one of my old school friends had invited me to which they called Combat Club, wherein young elves could relieve the tedium of their daily live by engaging each other in friendly fights. Were it not for the strict rules governing the discussion of Combat Club, I'd have been tempted to invite the horde along next time I went.

Not wishing to sacrifice my commanding, tactical position, I targetted the enemy I could see most clearly. A small human, almost child-like in stature who had lost some teeth and was now flailing ineffectually at the camp dwarf. I was tempted to hurl a ball of acid at it, if only to watch the expression on it's face as it dissolved but I did not wish to risk any needless injury to my companions so I instead fell back on old faithful, my frost ray, sending a stream of utter cold streaking towards the diminutive foe. As the beam hit home, I added insult to injury by performing a couple of squat thrusts in the creature's direction accompanied by a vigourous shaking of my fist.

Ray of Frost at halfling, followed by taunt

FELIPE NO

Having not quite had time for it a minute ago, I now performed a series of squat thrusts and shook my fist in anger at the halfling.

Taunt halfling

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

The fight apeared to be going well, the horde were proving to be quite an efficient combat force. Fearing I would only get in the way were I to jump in now, I instead worked my way back down the corridor, checking the walls for secret doors. Who knows, we might have missed a really obvious way out of this dungeon?

Move back to the West, looking for secret doors.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Acursory glance revealed no secret doros in the immediate vicinity. Thinking that now might not be the best time to be looking, I trotted back down the corridor and fired a frost ray at the halfling again. She was starting to annoy me now.

Move back up, Ray of Frost at halfling

How ya doing, buddy?

Emboldened by the orgy of destruction the horde were playing out in front of me, I moved forward to join them. Seeing the feeble halfling struggling with the crossbow, I pressed home my advantage.

"Hey stunty, you know if I'd met you anywhere else I might think you were kinda hot. Shame I'm going to have to put you on ICE!"

I yelled my masterful insult as I blasted the tiny wench with another frost ray.

Move 3 spaces east, Ray of Frost at halfling.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Our foes were vanquished! I moved over to the throne, thinking to get my breath back with a nice sit down and was about to be seated when I noticed a thin copper tube. Realising immediately that this was a powerful magical artifact, I tucked my staff into my belt and picked up this new implement.

I sat on the throne and watched as the horde busied themselves looting the bodies of the fallen. They made a curious sight, picking through the possesions of the slain and casting about the room for more loot. I was becoming fond of them, in a fatherly fashion, despite their collective inability to speak anything like a comprehensible tongue.

I had been tempted to show my disdain for the halfling woman I had slain with a display of ritualistic squatting but the throne was quite comfy and I could frankly no longer be bothered. I sat back, crossed my legs and waited to see if the chaps turned up anything interesting. I predigitated up a faint background melody that I thought would help the searching, Having consumed so much mead as to be unable to successfully perform coitus by the Undead Kennedys wafted gently around the room and I hummed along with a broad smile on my face.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I had been daydreaming again and was woken by the shifty fellow trying to steal the staff I held in my hand. I smacked him upside the head with it as a gentle but firm invitation to desist. It seemed to me as though the symbols on the floor must correspond to the items we had found thus far and the dwarf had just found a load of books. None of the titles immediately suggested a solution so I wondered if we might not be best served just chucking them all on the throne and sitting on top of the lot?

I was speaking idiomatically.

I stepped off the throne and skipped over to where the retard was sat reading. Moving slowly so as not to upset him, I reached for the crown he had discarded. "Me borrow crown, ok? You sit, play with puppy" I spoke slowly and clearly, hoping that he could understand me. Just to make sure, I ghost-sounded a puppy barking from the other direction, hoping to distract him long enough to pick up the crown. Once secured, I returned to my seat and popped the crown onto my head to see if the crown symbol lit up.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I had been proved correct and the door was open. I sat for a moment, basking in my own brilliance before a crash and some muffled cursing drew my attention. Getting up, I tossed the filthy cape back to the rogue, picked up the book and headed over to investigate the commotion. In the next corridor was a deep pit and I saw the big fellow hoisting the camp dwarf out of it. Replacing the crown on the big man's head, I peered into the hole, which seemed to be full of rusty blades. I wasn't sure what the dwarf had expected to find down there although I surmised he was probably looking for gold. Dwarves go all funny when you mention gold.

Looking up, I noticed a trapdoor at the end of the corridor. Silencing the music I had been conjuring up, I summoned forth my mage hand and sent it floating down the corridor. Once at the trapdoor, I willed it to give the hatch a tug and try to open it. I didn't want to stand anywhere near the thing as it was opened, knowing full well the kind of nastiness that inevitably lives beneath trapdoors.

As the hand was floating away from me, th thought occured that opening trapdoors implies a generally downwards movement or, in our case, further in. Not wishing to be overly hasty in our choice of direction, I went back and gave the throne room a good once over, looking for secret doors.

FELIPE NO

I picked up the bag of marbles and tied it to my belt. One never knows when these kinds of things might come in useful after all.

Rejoining the dwarf and the big guy, I saw that the dwarf was peering into the now open trapdoor. Unable to resist an opportuniy for japery, I used my Ghost Sound cantrip to shout "BOO" just behind his head.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I laughed out loud as the dwarf toppled into the hole. It was only when I peered over the edge and realised how far the drop was that I felt a twinge of guilt. Still, it appeared as though he had landed on his head so no damage was done.

I retrieved his hammer and rope and tossed them into the hole. I then proceeded to climb down the chain and join the others. As I arrived I was greated by the sight of the big fellow activiating some kind of mechanism that splashed burning oil all over the rogue. It seemed as though the big chap had a sense of humour even more vicious than my own.

My eyes were drawn to the strange symbols on the wall. I could not read them but Master Lexicanus at the academy had taught me a handy ritual for just these occasions.

"Listen chaps", I said, "If you fellows could just hang ten, I'll get this lot read. Try to avoid pulling any more levers in the mean time yeah?".

I didn't hold out much hope of them understanding me so began the ritual anyway.

Throw hammer and rope down the hole, climb down the chain, enact ritual of Comprehend Language to read what it says on the wall.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

"Right then gang, gather round and let's see if we can't work this out" I said after reading the plaques aloud. "It's a shame we can't read the other one because of the flames but with any luck they'll die down soon and we can get the full story.

Anyway, as I see it, our big friend over there has already shown us that the west door leads to doom, or at least burning oil. One would suggest therefore that the first statement tells us that east and south are safe and the third statement tells us that if the south door is safe, then the east door is trapped. Until we can get at the western plaque, I'd say the south door is looking favourite".

A row of blank faces presented itself to me. In my joy at thinking through the simple logic puzzle I had forgotten to whom I was speaking. I tried again.

"LOOK-EE HERE. SOME DOOR FLAMEY, BAD DOORS. SOME DOOR GOOD DOORS. THIS DOOR" I pointed to the southern door "PROBABLY GOOD DOOR. WE OPEN THIS ONE YES?".

Not wishng to be the person standing in front of the door when it was opened, I stood a safe distance back and opened the southern door with my mage hand.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Hmm, so maybe I was wrong about the southern door after all. The dwarf and human had rolled the boulder aside, revealing a corridor and a load of bodies. Experience had taught me that piles of bodies were often a bad omen so rather than rush into the new corridor, I investigated the southern route, looking to see if the slope was climbable and what was at the top of it.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Whilst I had been looking for a way out, it appeared that the horde had got themselves into another fight. I made to join them but then the western door caught my eye. I had always had a thing about closed doors, specifically, an urge to see what's behind them.

Sheltering behind the big boulder just in case of explosions, I used my Mage Hand to open the western door.

Move behind boulder, use mage hand to open western door in the trap room

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

My curiosity had not exactly improved our situation it seemed and now a giant crab was menacing the big human. Peering round into the next room, I saw that the wizard had been joined by two thugs and the cleverer of the dwarves was being munched on by the ghoul. I saw immediately that our most pressing need was to reduce the number of enemies we had to fight so with this in mind, I moved to the doorway and sent waves of soporific power washing over the wizard and his henchmen, hoping that the dwarf would prove resiliant enough to resist the spell.

Using new staff, move to doorway and cast sleep on middle henchman so it hits the other one and the wizard too. I'm pretty sure it's an area effect spell

I was speaking idiomatically.

In my efforts to aid my companions, I had left myself dangerously exposed to the giant crab which had skuttled up behind me and taken a nip out of my increasingly bedraggled cloak. Whilst I was ever fond of seafood, I preferred mine a little better done. Flipping neatly away from the beast, I considered my options.

The crab was the kind of creature one would need a heavy, blunt instrument to crack open, not my forte at all, the wizard would likely be resistant to my magiks, one guard was obscured from my view by the swirling melee between us, the other half dead and trying to level a crossbow at one of the dwarves. It seemed that the foul undead abomination in the centre of the room was the obvious target. That said, trying to stop the crap from ripping me in half seemed like a pretty sensible plan too.

The thought crossed my mind that perhaps we were not the only friendly adventurers in this dungeon and that behind either of the doors to this room might be any number of potential allies that could perhaps be persuaded to come to our aid. I dismissed that thought though, the way this battle was going, by the time I got back there might be nobody left to save...

A calm fell over me as I gathered my will. Summoning up my deepest reserves of energy, I crouched low into the Petulant Gibbon stance before leaping high into the air. With my arms spread wide and one leg cocked, I could almost feel the world spinning around me as I blasted rays of arcane power at my foes. As the magiks hit home, I felt the touch of the universe before me and in that instant it was as if my destiny had been revealed, just as happed to Keandridell the Reaver in his epic lay The series of inter-connecting pathways. It was I who was destined to free my people from the unseen shackles of their own minds, me who would lead them against their otherworldy slave masters, I was the One.

Shift north away from crab
Ray of enfeeblement on crab
Spend an action point
Ray of frost on ghoul
Take the red pill

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

My moment of triumph was cut short as a crossbow bolt sunk deep into my shoulder. I staggered back from the impact of the blow, a fountain of crimson blood spurting across the room. I wrenched out the bolt with a bellow of pain, the adrenalin coursing through me invigorating me and dragging me back from the brink of death.

I turned to face my assailant and sent a bolt of pure cold streaking back towards him.

One of those second wind helaing thingys then Ray of Frost at the corssbow wielding coward in the the corner (The guard, not Fescue)

FELIPE NO

Leaping high into the air, I swung my staff around my head before whipping it downwards, sending another bolt of ice towards the cowering guard in the corner.

Jump in the air, Ray of Frost at matey with the crossbow.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

A bolt of energy from the mage struck me and the pain nearly drove me to my knees. To be honest, I was more than a little jealous, having never mastered that particular trick in all my years of training. One of the dwarves mumbled something incomprehensible at me but the look of encouragement in his eyes made me feel strangely better.

Feeling re-invigorated, I circled around the room for a better view of my foe. "Magic missile this, motherfucker" I shouted and blasted the mage with my frost ray.

Move a couple of spaces west, Ray of Frost on wizard

Most amazing jew boots

The dwarf swung another massive swing at the crab and true to form, completely missed. I suppressed a giggle as he spun round with the momentum of his strike, looking wildly around to spot his foe. The rogue was trading stabs with the remaining guard, the big fellow appeared to be wrestling with the crab and the other dwarf was doing very little for a change. The boys seemed to have control of this fight and my interest was waning. I wandered over to the western door to the room, curiosity burning within me as to what wonders might lie behind it.

No, I thought, it would be most churlish of me to leave now and not help the chaps finish off the fight. I turned and blasted the remaining guard with a Ray of Frost, the door opening could wait, for now...

Move to western door, Ray of Frost at guard

There's nowhere I can't reach.