So you're dead... Now what?

This is a topic i've been obbessing for about a year since my Grandmother died. Now I was raised a Catholic, and I'm supposed to believe in an afterlife and what not. Since her death though...there's something going on with me. I'm feeling and seeing things differently. After watching someone slowly wither and die in front of me [she had a rare bacteria that was killed her slowly in a matter of a week], I think now "What if...there is nothing? What if I was raised and 'brainwashed' to believe was just an elaborate fabrication to make the REALITY of death, more simple and easy to go with?" I now think...if I die, I will not exist anymore, and to me, that is THE most frightening thing for me. Because, I don't want to stop existing, I don't want to cease and fade away. I want to continue on somehow. I want there to be an afterlife, and not just death and that's it.

It makes me crazy sometimes late at night when I just look up at my ceiling and wonder the reality of death. I mean, we're a society with death all around us...but I don't think we fully embrace it's reality. My whole view on life and death since her own death is so much different now. I am totally frightened by it, and I never want it to come to be honest. I guess behind the whole thing is the fact...I do not know what will happen, and it scares the absolute shit out of me. I don't know what to believe, what to think, what to feel about death anymore. I'm real messed up when now :/.

Jam it back in, in the dark.