Please teach me how to cook asian food!

So I can't cook, like, at all. I really like asian food, and it looks like it's relatively simple. So, can I get some tips/recipes, step by steps a la Cooking with Q?

1 - what kind of rice should I buy at the asian market?

2 - what are the different kinds of asian rice and flour noodles? Ho fun is the wide rice noodle, shanghai/udon noodles are the thick flour ones? What else is there?

3 - what are the typical spices used in Thai, Chinese and Indian foods?

4 - How do I make that oily chilly stuff that the guys at the restaurant use when I order my beef ho fun stir fry extra spicy?

5 - do you know any good recipe sites for Thai, Chinese and Indian food? I attempted to find a good Chinese recipe site and I failed horribly.

6 - What are the essential cooking techniques that I will need to master?

7 - How do you make sticky rice without a rice cooker?

I have a wok - and yes, I realize that Thai, Chinese and Indian cuisine are completely different from each other, but I enjoy them all and would like to learn how to make a number of dishes from each culture.

Jam it back in, in the dark.