Money matters (relationship-related monies style ANGST)

How patronising would it be for me to give my boyfriend (who is four years my senior) a talking to about his budgeting skills?

He seems to have no understanding of the ways of frugal shopping (I've seen him spend upwards of £10 on one night's meal), and when he was rejected by a phone company for a new contract because his credit rating was bad, he tells me he has NO IDEA how he ran out of money.

I have lent and lent and lent and lent and lent him money over the past year, always on the assurance that I will get it back but I have not seen one penny of it. This from a man who reminded me three times over within five minutes that I owed him £6, on the night that he lent me the money in the first place. I wouldn't care about the money if I saw that he was actually trying to sort his spending out but it's the same fucking story every time. I've just spent £52 on those Aphex Twin tickets because he can't afford it. At this point I'm not even lending the money to be kind, I'm doing it simply because I don't know Manchester that well and it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to go by myself. I'm at the end of my tether really.

I've bit back my tongue for the past year. Is it about time I unleashed all hell on him, or am I being a bitch for looking at it like this?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I'm glad I made this thread, it's given me a more objective view of things. I was feeling quite used in terms of money by him and that was making me really angry, but it's me who offers the money. Yes, he's gotten used to it and it's like he expects me to pay for things now, but that's no one's fault but my own.

The problem is that if I don't front some money every now and then we have to stay in because of how bad he is at budgeting for things himself. There's only so much time you can spend in someone's house doing the same shit over and over before you start to get a mild sense of cabin fever. This is one of the reasons I don't understand how he can be so badly off for money, because he doesn't really do that much. Even when I'm not there it'll be just a couple in the pub with his mates, maybe just a bit aside for a smoke, and that's about it.

I'm not anal about money I've lent to people I know well enough unless the situation calls for it. I mean it's gotten this bad and I'd still forget about it if he, oh, I don't know, bought me a drink every now and then without expecting one in return. Next time he asks I could just say "hay what about that £250 you owe me :'D"

Sprout: Well considering we're on student budgeting, and since I can get my weekly shop done for £10, I'd say it's a lot of money. Not relatively speaking but as a student for a night's meal... Food is probably his biggest weakness in terms of money. He never plans ahead so if he's got no food in (happens a lot) and all the shops are shut/he can't be arsed walking to the supermarket he'll splash out on a takeaway. Or like his curry-making phase, I helped him buy a shitload of spices to make a base sauce since he said he was going to freeze it in portions (so I thought hey, now overall that's cheaper and it seems like a good idea), but he made one curry out of it and threw the rest away, I mean what the fuck.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Not very. In this instance, it's not the money that's the problem. It's that I'm usually the one who suggests doing things. Now he's in Stafford where there isn't really all that much to do I can sympathise but back here we could have done quite a lot of stuff. His idea of a good day though equates to a lot of lazing around which I find quite frustrating. Also, to use the Aphex Twin thing as an example, I'll suggest going, he'll sound enthused and say it's a good idea and that we should definately go, and then a few days beforehand he'll dick around saying he'll try to get the money together but thinks he can manage it, only to end up with me paying for both of us because he's got my hopes up about going so I'd rather pay the money than end up doing bugger all again =/

Most amazing jew boots

Sass: I did manage to get him to come out for a picnic in the park once... Problem is that if he's not got anything on for a day he'd rather spend most of that day in bed or chilling out in his room, prime time for him is the evening, which means our only real options involve money (ie. cinema, pub, music gigs etc).

Lurk: I suppose that's one way of looking at it, aye...

Sprout: I won't deny that it's crossed my mind of late. There have been other reasons to think that other than the budgeting shite, but I have a hard time differentiating between what's a problem with the relationship itself and problems I have myself that I need to work through. Though now I come to think of it, one of my problems is an inibility to know when to let go, and to actually go through with it, so... (cuts out a shitton of genuinely angsy crap)

How ya doing, buddy?

You are absolutely right lurk, as ever. But you see I'm a complete retard when it comes to relationships. I have a complete and utter fear of being alone, so I have a tendancy to cling to things that are unproductive or destructive. I know so little about my own motives that it's only just become apparent to me that by making this thread I was looking for reassurance that it was okay to even be angry with him, let alone break up with him. Rest assured though, I'm going to get this shit over with, this weekend when I actually see him. Of course it's easy enough to say that after a bottle of the bad stuff. Here's hoping I actually have the balls to do something about it when the week finishes.

I was speaking idiomatically.

That's an idea of pure genius. It's happened previously with nights out where I've simply gone alone, and as for Glade Festival, well. I was determined I was going to that by myself anyway when he ended up buying a ticket. I still had to pay travel costs for him but it wasn't as bad as it could have been and besides, that was down to our liftshare backing out (still would have been nice if I'd seen some of that money back at some point though). I guess it'll just have to be a kind of "it's your choice" ultimatum.

EDIT: Read your post as "Obviously you should start going out with him", thought you were referring to him as a prostitute, chuckled like a bitch. Reread, obviously.

Zeph, honestly mate, you are reading far too much into this. Yes, I have a fear of being alone, it spills over into the break-up side of things when push comes to shove (not enough to stop me dumping someone, see previous boyfriends) but what has got me there is guys with your fecking attitude who assume if a woman wants something from a relationship, she deserves everything she gets in return, no matter how bad that may be. I've let guys walk over me before because I believed your partiular philosophy on relationships, but luckily I'm starting to realise that a relationship isn't all about pleasing the other party and sacrificing everything you have in order to make that work. My feelings are as important as my partners. I'm sorry if you have a bitter view of women, and I hope you find someone who can erase your cynicism.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?