Nobody could ever love the real me

You know I've been thinking that obviously a relationship can only work if two people feel comfortable with each other in their most natural state. But what if you have so many flaws that this is impossible or unlikely. But even worse, what if you're conscious of your vices that you realize that anyone who likes you despite them must also be a bad person, ie anyone who would still be attracted to you after discovering the real you must be a pretty weird/strange/unattractive person. And when I say unattractive I don't necessarily mean physically, but just in general.

I have a number of bad qualities which I can list. These are things I cannot change about myself, they are either the result of my inherent personality or of a philosophy that I cannot discard:
1. I am lazy. Very lazy. I don't even like to go out. I do clean up behind myself, but I definitely don't ever like to clean up behind other people, like family members. I avoid washing dishes, mowing the lawn, etc. Surely I have to do these things in certain cases, but I will do what ever I can to avoid them. This is me. I have always been a lazy dude.
2. I am addicted to my computer. I never want to leave it. When I am away from it for more than maybe 24 hours I get really agitated and can no longer enjoy myself. This is probably something that needs to be dealt with on a psychological leve. But still.
3. I am capable of being very heartless and cruel. I will not elaborate; I'll just say that some of the things I've thought of doing or are just wrong. (Disclaimer none of these things have to do with rape, etc.) I really don't care that much about other people. I remember this one guy I was going to date was talking about how often he did community service. I was basically like, sage, I don't want to work for free, wtf.
4. Very cynical. I have like 0 optimism regarding most things, and rarely see the bright side of anything. I only see what is wrong. As an atheist I look at life as being pretty much just absurd, I often question my reason for living.
5. I really don't give a damn about my own family. Seriously. I just don't care. They have not wronged me particularly, but I do not see them as anything but friends. If one of them were to die, I'd be like, meh, okay, and be sad, but in no way heartbroken or torn apart. I used to feel very strongly for my mother, but this eventually faded.

As you can see pretty much all of these qualities make me up to be pretty much just a super-pessimistic and apathetic dude. I suck ass as a person. The thing is, I would never want to date someone like this. I would not want to see these qualities in someone else. But then, what kind of good person would see these qualities in me and love me despite them?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

I think Eleo needs to get out a little more.

I mean, I don't want to be insulting, but when you're "very very lazy," you "love your computer and never want to leave it," et cetera, it's hard to actually get out and find a niche in life for some hope.

So yea, we're all a bunch of cynical assholes who can be really mean at some points.

But I have a feeling Eleo has been through some shit in his life to make him cling to the non-tangibles, and trust things that won't hurt him.

He's cynical. He's mean. He doesn't really like his family too much. It sounds to me like some people close to him have fucked him over a lot in life, and now he's let himself become attached to non-reality with little hope.

Now, I am sure I haven't got it all right here - I wish Eleo himself could confirm. But if it IS whats going on, there's only way to move forward if you actually want to.

GET OVER IT. Pick up your shit, grow some balls, and get out there man. People are mean, and people will hurt your feelings. This is a fact of life. You just need to pick and choose what you listen to, and keep moving. You can't just stall out in the middle of it all and give up.

You're close.

I don't feel that fucked over by people. People have fucked me over in the past but I don't think that's what gets me. I feel fucked over by fate.

Shit happens, and I understand that. I can deal with shitty things happening to me. There will be bad days, bad weeks, bad months, or bad years. Sure.

But there have been so many times when I get fucked over in the worst way, a psychological sort of way. I often feel like someone, somewhere, is messing with my head. I mean, if I get robbed, I can just chalk that up to the kind of thing that happens to people. But there's a point where a set of coincidences can be so perfectly aligned (in a terrible way) that I just can't help but to assume somebody planned it. Or I can ignore that notion until something like that happens multiple times, then I just can't help to belive it.

But it's not that alone. It's watching my family members go through the same shit. They are all in a state of discontent, and mostly because they've been kicked in the nuts every time they've tried to move up. I understand that there are troubling times in life, but I guess I expect a point where you can ultimately succeed at life. I'm not saying bad shit will stop happening to you completely and you live in 100% happiness, but there should be a point where you can WIN. I don't see that in them. I see failure. And in my parents especially, I've seen that they've given up. To an extent this makes me give up as well. I've had the same problems over a smaller period of time so my trend may be false, but then seeing their trend carry on throughout their lives just kind of proves it.

An example being my mother. She was unhappy with her life. Thought she wasn't getting paid enough. So she went to college! Four years of college. Meanwhile my father is spending every weekend trying to take care of my two baby brothers while she's trying to make a better life for all of us. She finally graduates which is great. But she never really made that much more money. What's worse is that she couldn't afford to pay off her student loans. To this day she has more than $200,000 in loans. Filing bankruptcy isn't even an option. Somehow she owes this money directly to the government and nothing can reverse it. This is an example of her doing everything right, and ultimately FAILING. Furthernore, it's not even a small failure. it's pretty much a lifelong failure. She will forever be in debt and in the end never really helped anyone, not even herself.

I've seen people very happy with their lives. What's really frustrating about it is how it at least seems like very few of them actually worked for it. They just got a head start for everything, and nothing has ever brought them down. I look at these people as the people I was born to envy; they exist so I can judge the relative shittiness of my life and so I can try to get what they have and fail.

My family is just a huger example of this. I look at them, and I pretty much see my lot in life. And of course many people will tell me how the sky's the limit, blah blah. But I realize, life sucks ass for some people. And I feel I am one of these people.

This is why I don't give a shit. I'd have to see some huge trend for my philosophy on this to be reversed.

I can go out into the world, be brave, etc, but my life is still going to suck ass at the end of it all, so I say, "why bother?"

So to anyone who says that I can just change this, like I can just up and reverse my outlook on life; I say no, I can't. I can't up and conclude that gravity does not exist because it might make me feel better because all the evidence that it does exist is right there. Before I can change my outlook on life I need to see some evidence.

I'm getting ready to go back to school. I am going to try once again to make a better life for myself. I want to get a degree, get a good job, etc. Just fucking be happy for once. You know, all the shit people say you have to do to live a good life. I'm going to work for it. But if it doesn't work out, I quit.



While this sort of expands on what I've said previously, none of this really applies to the fact that I feel I cannot be loved for who I am; or that I could not love anyone who loves me for who I am. There's a limit to how much you can change, I feel. I can do more stuff and use the computer less, but I'll always want to, and that will never change. I feel cynical about the world, and that could change based on circumstances, but it might not. There are inherent qualities about people, and I think it would be super tense to try to pretend in a relationship.

Thinking back to the most recent guy I dated, that was a factor in why I didn't see myself falling in love with him. I couldnt' see him liking the real me; even though I never revealed it to him. What some other posters have said about opposites attracting gives me hope in this respect, but I still have my doubts.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Kaleb.G

It's okay, Eleo. I don't think you suck.

You could be suffering from some form of depression...but I don't know; you're the motherfucking therapist around here, not I.

It's like I'm depressed-but-not-depressed. I really don't have any symptoms of depression but I look at life as extremely glum and wish I were happier.

And everyone knows that psychologists are out of their minds. They usually get into that field to figure out what's wrong with them

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.