Death

I don't ever really think about death on a regular basis. And when I do it doesn't bother me. I don't fear it. If it happens, it happens. I don't "live each day" as though I could die the next, and I don't live each day as though I'll live forever. I just "live."

I'm nearly 21 though so that may change in the future. On very rare occasions I'm "aware" of my age so to speak and an odd sort of feeling of mortality hits me, but right now I'm very much enjoying life.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I've come close to death before (narrow miss situations, etc). It's not bothered me on the level we are discussing here. If it's my time, it's my time. Of course, I don't believe that there is just a big nothing after death, but even imagining that there is just nonexistence - it doesn't send chills down my spine. Why would I care if I don't exist? I can't long for a 'state of being' anymore. If I died today and had the chance to look at my life, before I went into nothingness, sure I'd have regrets, there's tons of things I want to do and accomplish. I reiterate: the idea of my death really does not bother me.

As far as subconscious blocks, I do have something there that inhibits me from thinking what a prolonged, painful death would be, like slowly bleeding out or something, or poisoning, etc. All sorts of nasty things. A quick death is something I can perceive, and that doesn't bother me, but I'm not sure about "worse" deaths. For some reason that's not an idea I can think about at all. But I've at least gotten through one of those shields, and It's not terrorizing at all. Kind of peaceful really, I'd say. Certainly not desirable, but not terror-filled.

The death of family members is a completely different situation, and that is something that absolutely terrifies me. It's not that I place no value on my life because I do, but I couldn't ask for a better family than the one I have, I'm very close to all of them. Recently my dad was in a terrible high-speed accident (he got through it with only a few staples in his head, very lucky) and I have never had a worse feeling run down my spine than when I first heard he'd been in an accident.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Well actually the worst case would be that there is something afterwards, but it's really horrible. Maybe you have to sit in a room with, you know, Rosie o' Donnell for all eternity.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.