GFF Literary Workshop: Week 5

Read it over once. I'll read it some more later on. I won't type my impressions because I don't like first impressions.

Though, I should say, I've learned something fundamental from you so here's a thanks for that. Not learned as in never known before but learned as in more fully understood.
Aye, I'm rambling. I'll type a proper review once I read this a few more times.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I learned to write about what I know. Woke up the other night, had an urge to write something, started typing, wrote about two pages three times and erased all of it and spent a few hours learning bash scripts.
Struck me, when I read your piece and especially your foreword, to write about experience I've had myself.
Haven't done it yet, but it's a good understanding to keep at the forefront whilst writing. Makes the dialogues seem more realistic.

But as for the story -- I couldn't stomach it. I dislike, with a passion, men moping about girls. I like terse protagonists, most all else gets my fists in a murderous rage.
You've had a few long sentences with awkward structure. Try to keep it simple. Write shorter sentences, say less, and write better similies/metaphors. Examine your sentences critically (what is hapening, how does it tie into the last sentence) -- last phrase is you standing on a sidewalk, next sentence is you being "encased" by wind. That word makes no sense, for one, and there is a slight disjoint there. Mention walking before moving on to the wind. It's what you'd experience in real life, anyways.

Solid writing but I'm not particularly impassioned to critique it because the content doesn't appeal to me. Unjustly put, there's no spark in your writing. It hasn't moved me -- it's annoyed me.

There's nowhere I can't reach.