Grawl's Words

Originally Posted by Grawl

Superficial

Sitting in the train
endless streams of landscape passing by
just as the thoughts in my head
coming and going
but never there to stay.

Beautiful landscape, ugly landscape
good thought, bad thought
love, pain, anger, hate
coming and going
but never there to stay.

Sucked into oblivion
by this endless void
of emotions.
Coming and going,
but never there to stay.

Dark as night
bright as day
it doesn't matter to me, since they are
coming and going
but never there to stay.

I won't lie - I don't like it. It doesn't feel genuine - more like the musings of a bored train passenger.

The third stanza doesn't seem to have any logical connection the the first two. In the first one you are in a train, in the second you are looking out of the window, and in the third you are playing Oblivion ~_~
The same goes for the fourth stanza - try to keep the outside world thread throughout the poem. I think it would add structure and focus. In the same breath, try to contrast it against your inner thoughts and reflect on the similarities and differences between the two.

Also, the word 'landscape' seems to jar with 'thought' in the second stanza. I think it may be due to the fact that landscape is two words and in the same parallel idea, thought is a single word. Try substituting a single word for landscape and see if it flows better.

I hope some of that helps

Jam it back in, in the dark.