Your best story

Everybody has that one story they tell about themselves to people. Whether it was a great accomplishment, something controversial, a funny thing that happened, or something just plain cool. Everybody has atleast one of those.

Here's mine: I am the only kid to ever fail the D.A.R.E program.

Not sure how widespread DARE was around the world, so I'll explain it for those who don't know. DARE stands for Drug Abuce Resistance Education. It was taught right before or during junior high school by a police officer who would come in and tell us about the dangers of drug and substance abuse. It was an absolute joke, and I knew it from the start. This was 6th grade, by the way. 6th grade was my on-and-off semi-goth rebellious phase. But I digress.

So basically, I bullshitted my way through the "class" all the time. We had these DARE workbooks, and I would doodle syringes, knives, guns, and all sorts of fun things on the kids in the book. I also went to Newbury Comics and bought a syringe pen, especially for DARE class. I would only use it during DARE and it would drive the officer crazy. The officer, by the way, was a complete chucklehead. I was as tall as him when I was in 6th grade.

So, end of the year comes, and we're given our final assignment - Write an essay on what you thought about DARE, and read it out loud to the class. Easy.

On the day we had to read the papers, everyone wrote these BS essays about how great Officer Winchell was, and how much they learned, and blah blah bullshit. Then came my turn. I really really wish we didn't have to hand these in, because otherwise I would have had mine framed. I touched upon these topics -

- DARE was an absolute joke
- I learned nothing I didn't know before
- Any knowledge of drugs I didn't have would only pursuade me to maybe give them a shot, since they don't sound too bad.
- DARE would not stop me from trying drugs and alcohol in the future.

The entire class sat there, FROZEN, jaws to the ground. Officer Winchell looked around and said "Okay, good job Dave" and everybody gave the "what do we do now?" clap. It was fucking great.

That night, my mom gets a call from Officer Winchell. The conversation went something like this-

"I'm sorry to inform you but I can't pass your son in the DARE program."
"...And?"
"Well, I'm really worried about him. Did you read what he wrote in his essay?"
"Yes, he wrote his opinion, which is exactly what the assignment was."
"Well still, I'm worried about him... Have you seen his handwriting?"
"What?"
"His handwriting, he writes very cryptically."
"Okay, that's enough. Thank you"
*click*

So I failed DARE. I was unable to go to the graduation and get a free DARE t-shirt or bumper sticker, to the dismay of nobody except for the soccer moms who are convinced that their angels are drug free.

Interesting Postscript #1:

2 years later, the DARE program was shut down. Why? An ASTRONOMICAL increase in drug use was found in places where kids were exposed to DARE over places where DARE wasn't. God, it hurts being right sometimes.

Interesting Postscript #2:

In 9th grade, my friend's sister was driving my friend and I to my place, and I told this story. She goes "Holy fuck, that was YOU?? You're the DARE kid? You rock dude, you're my fuckin hero!"

So that was cool.

But, the most interesting of interesting postscripts is this - I didn't touch alcohol till I was 21 (except for one time on my friends birthday a few months prior), and I've only smoked pot 3 times.

DARE = Owned.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by DarkMageOzzie

Like when I was playing Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance and one of my friends looked up, saw the word "Leopard" and said "What the hell is a Leo Pard?"

I have a few stories, now that I think of it... The DARE one is the definite best by a wide margin, though.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Propped nonetheless... I get a raging boner when blowhard art twats get fucked with. Awesome shit, good sir.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I have one more tale of grade school notoriety that I'd like to share... Mods, maybe you can change the name of this thread to "stories" instead of "story," since it's clear that some of us have some great shit to share.

This particular tale took place over the course of 2 weeks of my junior year, starting on September 12th 2001.

After 9/11 came in and barreled over the nation, I felt like I really wanted to do something to raise spirits and just basically do my part to bring people together. I was a big Photoshop nerd at the time, so I thought of something design related. My answer hit me like a mack truck. Stickers! But not just any stickers... They had to be simple and to the point. Luckily, it came to me in an instant. A picture of Bin Laden with a big red nullset over him.

I printed off about 20 of these and handed them out to friends and family on September 12th. People loved them, and asked for more. So I went home and printed out 40.

The 13th comes, and people are SWARMING me for stickers. Literally swarming me. People who I didn't even know came up to me and said "dude are you the sticker guy?" and after confirmation, I'd hand them a sticker, feeling good and patriotic. I ran out of my 40 sticker supply before first period even started.

Friday the 14th would have to be my biggest load, since I had a feeling this fad would die down. I printed out 400 stickers. I made them a touch smaller so I could fit more per sheet, and just ran the printer until I ran out of ink. The end result was ~400.

Instead of giving people 1, I'd give them 5. I was shoveling them out by the handful, and people were fucking loving it. I too, was loving it, since I was doing my country a bit of service by rallying patriotic spirit.

By the time Monday the 17th rolled around, people were still itching for some stickers. After giving a bunch out to the guys at work, I handed out the few remaining ones I had left in my backpack from the Friday before, and that was it. But I wasn't done.

I went home and made shirts. One of them was the picture of the sticker with the words JUST SAY NO TO BIN LADEN on it in big text. I made the first one for my sister to wear and show off, and maybe get people interested the next day at school (Tuesday the 18th).

Tuesday the 18th I come home from school to find out she'd been SENT HOME. WHAT?! The principal felt that her shirt was RACIST, and therefore she needed to be sent home for sending racist messages via clothing.

People found out about it, and word eventually spread back to me that not only was the principal looking for "the kid who started the sticker craze," but so was the SUPERINTENDENT OF SCHOOLS. I was basically on the school's fucking hit list for creating stickers that they felt were racist towards Arabic people.

I'd come to find out later the reason why was because some of the cunt-punchers I handed my stickers out to were sticking them places they shouldn't have, and the school was calling it a gigantic vandalism operation that I was somehow the head of. It was obviously retarded, and if I were to ever get caught, I'd fight it tooth and nail.

Luckily, and this is where the story fizzles out, I was never caught... The stickers became outlawed and that was that. I don't know how in hell and damnation I wasn't caught considering I would pretty much yell "BIN LADEN STICKERS RIGHT HERE!" every morning for a full week. It's shocking no teacher saw me.

One thing that's always been cool, though, is that in the Market Basket dairy cooler, there is still one of my Bin Laden stickers hanging up on the cooler door for all to see. It serves as a constant reminder of one of the cooler things I ever did to rally my people together.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?