College/High School Relationships

Looking for some thoughts on this subject. A couple of years ago I found myself in one of these, and it didn't end too well. Now, I'm looking the possibility of another one straight in the face.

So what do you see are the upsides and downsides to this? Obviously the age and maturity factors come into major play, as well as relational motivations. But assuming pure intentions as well as appropriate levels of maturity, does that make this a bad, ok, or good idea when seeking a real, genuine, long-term relationship? Does the guy older-girl younger factor mean anything or vice-versa?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I'm bumpin' this, 'cause I could really use some help clearing up this muddy situtation that has my mind racing. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this particular subject in RL, so any thoughts would be appreciated.

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First off, I'm the guy, and she's the girl. She's the one in high school as a senior.

Here's the crux of the matter. I really am not worried at all for her sake, because if I was going out with this girl, she wouldn't have to even think about me breaking it up. That's just not something I'd do (without a massive change in who she is/what she values). One of my (many) relationship philosophies is that there are pro's and con's with every person. The only way to figure out if there should be a relationship is if the pro's mean so much to you, that they will ALWAYS out weigh whatever cons may come up. And even if she lost those pro's, I'd do everything to help her get back to where she was. To me, she is that kind of girl. One worth investing my life into. So I would definitely plan on keeping her.

She on the other hand, might have college to look into (either in the area or out) and God knows what else. I'm the one that could potentially end up with the short end of the stick. She has the potential of going places whereas I'm already in the place of my future, doing what I love. She does know that I'm gonna be here, and that I really couldn't leave. So I'm sure she knows what she's getting into.

It's kind of complicated, but let me try to explain the context a bit. I volunteer help with an AA/NA recovery group thing on thursday nights. Her parents (good friends of mine) are long since recovered and are the ones that are running/starting this thing (25-40 addicts a week!!). So I've been seeing a ton of her since this started in April, and she's been helping me out with some of the work. The context of where we are kinda leads to really deep conversations and matters of the heart being talked about. So we have this real strong connection building. We had another conversation the other night, and I can tell that she is starting to think about the possibility of "us". I'm at the place in my life where I'm ready for a serious, long-term (leading to marriage) relationship (she knows that too). So.....

Basically, I just don't know what to do. She is an INCREDIBLE girl, with a real heart for people and she has a light "sassy" streak in her that is adorable. And, she is just beautiful. So this in my mind, is not one to lose. But on the other hand, it'd be very awkward (sp?) and hard to try to "officially" date while she's at school. The best solution to that in my mind is just continue building the relationship over the school year, not in an "official" capacity. The problem with that is that if I don't have some kind of commitment from her, that may leave me in the dust when in comes to her potential college future. And I really don't want to spend 9-12 months building this relationship (and getting more heart invested in it) only to lose it because of her needing to move where I can't go.

I hope this makes more sense, and I really don't want to go into too many more of the details. I guess the question is, is the risk worth it? There is a lot of potential risk on my part with this one, and I don't know if I want to do that. In general, I think she is really worth a risk, but son-of-a-gun, I don't want such a risky relationship! It'd be nice to have a good reliable one for once.

Any more words?

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I'm pretty much out (couple parttime credits/already walked) and internshipping/working exactly where I want/need to be. No, I haven't talked to her about it, I'm trying to think ahead as in I know the relationship is building fast, so I'd like to think it out first before having the DTR talk (define the relationship). When do I plan on getting married? Well, generally the sooner the better, however, financial constraints might be in the way for about the next year. So in the next 1-3 year range.

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Originally Posted by Identity Crisis

I'm still not completely for this relationship, but I hope the advice helps.

Yeah, obviously there's alot of red flags and just good reason for hesitation ya know. That goes without saying...

But its hard to throw away something that seems right. When you really connect with someone on this kind of level, and there is mutual attraction, its sooo hard to turn your back on it. I would definitely be shutting it down if this didn't seem like a special case... I just don't know.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Well, we got through the week .

I have seen her quite a few times, and you can feel it. We both are drawn to each other and we dont want to hold ourselves back because of the age-status difference. But you can't really run from that barrier. People sure notice the whole "college guy talks to HS girl alot" thing though.

With what has transpired over the past few days, I think it's best to let this potential relationship simmer under the surface. This way, nothing gets ruined, and if there is really something there, we should be able to let it simmer a school year. I will have to be very careful to not let it slip into a "friend's only" relationship. It seems this course of action is best.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Just so you all know, the whole situation kinda went to hell in a hand basket. Not that its a disaster, but more that its gonna be me wanting her, around her alot, and not able to have her. So more of a living hell where it just sucks.

Thanks all round for your advice! If you want to keep commenting on HS/College relationships feel free.

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It wasn't that necessarily. Just the situation can't call for me pursuing her. Which like I said, leaves me waiting for her (age-wise and other-wise). And when you can't take the initiative as the guy, you are pretty much screwed, cause girls don't stick with a man without security of the relationship, unless they are desperate attention whores.

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I really tend to think that the age seperation issue is more of a concern now just because of societal structure rather than the age/maturity level. The whole must-go-to-high-school-and-then-college idea keeps people from growing up and becoming responsible. Just look at colleges and tell me there aren't a ton of people free-riding it with negligence being their guide. Can you say deferred student loans?

If college wasn't such an expectation in our culture, I think HighSchooler's would grow up alot faster. Right now, most people don't "hit the real world" until 21-22. And they don't mature cause they dont have to.

That's one thing I like about the girl I'm into. She's been through ALOT in life, and accordingly, she has a great maturity at her age.

Jam it back in, in the dark.