Life is going in circles - resetting it very self.

Hello fellow Gamingforce Members,

I've been off and on Gamingforce for some time, decided to come back because I get high quality advice in here.

I'm facing a severe problem which started in my teens and is now slowly taking its toll.
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I can't finish what i'm starting. Once I had the great idea to be a programmer and do lots of programmes and fancy stuff. Time flew by. I got sick of the idea and dropped it.

I compare myself alot with other people around me and find them better/cooler/smarter/etc than me. It's basically the default teenage feelings I still got. And I'm in my 23. You might want to laugh about my poor english skills.

I'm running in circles, I don't feel like I come forward. Don't be mistaken, I'm not entirely unhappy with my life. But I tend to drop into a big black hole of despair every 1-2 weeks. Actually, i just dropped into one 3 hours ago, realising that i'm more and more turning into a loner.

You might say: Hey why dont you go outside and meet friends?
There ain't a single one left. My best friend committed suicide, my other friend turned into a complete geek. (Don't ask)

Making new friends is hard for me, as I feel like an outsider everywhere I go. People talk, then I think they talk about me. I've come to a point where I hate myself and would happily jump in front of a train, but then I see people who I really admire.

I want to be like them and partially copy their personality, which then translates into huge belly pain because I get all sick and confused who I really am.

I can't find my spot in this big big world. So Gamingforce please tell me. What can I do to become stronger/smarter/better and feel less outsiderish and more like I really am somebody.

At the moment, I feel hollow, sad and cold. I blame the world. I blame everyone else. But I never blame myself. That could be a part of the problem as well. I cover myself in Untruth to make Living in this World easier for me. I lie alot, I lie to myself, to strangers, to my parents. I'm engulfed in Lies.

What's wrong, whats right? Sometimes I think, I wasn't meant to be born after all.

Jam it back in, in the dark.