Gal Pal problems.

This part deleted due to problems that would occur if a new member read this part and told her/someone else.

Now, I have feelings for her; as I have mentioned beforehand. And I have kept all of my advice and opinions unbiased and it's getting harder and harder to keep them under wraps and under control. I really just want to tell her how I feel, but I know that at this moment, it would be the worst time to even mention anything like that to her. So question 1) How can I keep my emotions in control?

Second question; what advice can I give her that will help her out? I mean, I really care about her so I really just want her to be happy, but I'm afraid if I suggest to get back with him that she might get physically hurt.

Irony: This is exactly how her last bf turned out. He made her feel like shit the same way, (though he was also suicidal) and her present bf came along and she only told him bout her problems with her first ex and then she started goin out with her current bf.

Iono what to do about my feelings right now. And I would appreciate any and all advice I can get for that, and how to help her out.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Well I'm aware that I shouldn't tell her my feelings. First and foremost because it might make her think my opinions would be biased and then wouldn't be able to get help from anyone.
I've made it noted that I'm there for her. I'm really badly sick as of yesterday morning and last night I stayed up all night with her (we were at our own houses, but I was helping her over aim and just waiting around when she said she didn't feel like talking anymore for a few moments).
So far I think the only circumstances that I would reveal my feelings towards her is if a) She was a GF member, (then I'm boned). or b) they break up, it's been a long while and she is making it known (flirting) that she has some sort of interest in me. (Luckily she is the type who would be willing ot make the first move).
And as I have said...I only want for her to be happy right now.

Double Post:

Quote:

First you have to answer this; are you willing to lose this guy as a friend? Gain him as an enemy?

Because that's what will probably happen if you pursue this girl. Now, whether or not you do that is an entire other question. I'm not sure what you should do, but I do know what I'd do. I'd be honest, with both of them. It may result in some nasty stuff, but in the end you'll feel better for it.

Or you'll feel like shit. But honesty really is the best policy, in my opinion.

He's a good friend, but as of lately he has seemed quite emotionally unstable and to be honest it has scared me as of late and I'm not really sure how close I really am to him as of late.
As for honesty being the best policy. The problem is that she is under soo much mental stress right now and is still in love with him. My saying that now would probably only put her under more stress and would be moot since she still has strong feelings for her. Right?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

My feelings toward the guy might be, but honestly, would you be cool with someone shoving a close friend into a wall, throwing a box at her, and saying he did nothing wrong? I mean, seriously?

It isn't an attempt to get in her pants or anything like that, but I'm not necesarily sure what you mean by 'it'd be an effort to fo what's best for all involved.'.

And surprisingly, I've kept all my advice in check. The only time I really came close to saying something biased was when she asked my opinion on whether or not she should go back to him. To which I responded something along the lines of 'I can't really say for sure, since I'm not in your shoes. Both ways that you can go have their ups and downs. And I cannot say what you should do in regards to that because I'm not in your place and don't know how strong your feelings for him still are.'

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Thanks SMX for the in depth post.

As for how often she helps me out. I'm pretty much the only person I go to for my problems (which is about as often as she goes to me about her problems, relationship and otherwise). So there is somewhat of a balance with the helping and such.

As for the starting to make a move on her, that is idealy, what I would like to do. But I'm thinking that I should hold off on actually trying it for a few days and such. First, to see what their course of action is (getting back together, taking a break, completely breaking up) because she is the type of person that is truly devoted to the person she loves, and even though she is mad at him she still loves him. And in me trying to do anything like making a move immediatly, I will most likely get pushed away and such.

Another problem with making a move at this point is the fact that everyone thinks that they are still a couple and everything is perfectly fine. Only the two people in the couple and I know that they actually broke up/made up and all this stuff. And she and I are pretty much only around each other when there's people who know us are around. So me trying to make a move on her would possibly get them to think negatively about me, seeing as they would see her and him still being in a relationship and such. correct?

Thanks for all the wonderful advice so far!

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by LeHah

Living proof of that, baby.

Look, coming on to her now will only make her start closing herself off to you. She's in a shitty relationship now and she doesn't need a friend crawling up her ass with more feelings given the hostile "feeling" enviroment she's in now.

Drop that shit like its yellow cake. GTFO and don't look back.

Yeah, I was planning on waiting awhile before telling her anything I think.
(I've had feelings for her in the past and she has known that)

But also, she tends to go for people who are slightly wacky (that I am, example: Bouncing a fast food bottle (the ones with the easy to pop off tops) off our sculpting teachers back into the garbage can...yeah, at art school we all do crazy stuff like that, even the teachers). and people who seem nice. The only difference I have seen so far between the characteristics of her old boyfiends and myself is the one of them was suicidal, and one of them is somewhat fucked up in the head now that one of our best friends killed himself and he stopped taking his ADHD meds. Otherwise they both were somewhat of the nice guy type too...save for they were a wee bit more fit then I...ok, somewhat more fit. heh.

If it weren't for that and she goes for the type of people that are complete asses I probably wouldn't consider telling her and being near her right now because I know I would have no chance at it. I may be really nice but I'm not someone who sucks at thinking things out! haha.

Also, in terms on contact lately, as of late I have had more physical contact with her. Such as hugging her when I'm leavin and won't see her till the next day or so, or jokingly doing one of those 'ghetto' long ass hugs where you like, slap eachothers hands then do all the crazy stuff then the whole bumping shoulders thing. (Btw, we live in an area mostly full of caucasians and asians and that we don't act like that other then the hug, cause it's just funny to do).
And finally, she is somewhat 'touchy' with people she is really close to. She hugs me a lot, and other random things (too many to write down) and I'm the only other guy other then her bf that is treated like that.

Double Post:

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

We attract what we are, and we are what we surround ourselves with. This girl attracts (and puts up with) psycho guys. Therefore, she has problems. A lot of guys actually seek out girls like this subconsciously so they can rescue them, but girls like this don't want to be rescued. They want boyfriends who treat them like shit. If they didn't want it, they wouldn't have it - it's as simple as that.

Also, she's going through enough turmoil right now without having to also deal with the fact that a person she considers to be a friend and confidante has developed romantic feelings for her. If you really want to help her, slap her across the face - hard. Then ask her how she liked it, and tell her that if she doesn't get her shit together she's in for a lifetime of that sort of treatment from men.

To retort, she really doesn't go for that type on purpose. It just ends up lke that. Her first boyfriend she found out was suicidal after he attempted to and left a note for her saying it was all her fault and some other things. Her second boyfriend (the current one) is a really nice guy and none of us really knew he had any mental problems or anything. But since one of our best friends commited suicide he stopped taking his ADHD meds and his thuoghts and actions are really fucked up now (at least with her).

Thanks for the advice! (I may actually have to slap both of them, though I don't know which one it would be more enjoyable to slap.)

I was speaking idiomatically.

LeHal: I'm 17, and have been having these problems since people in my school who are causasian or asian act african american. (3 years or so)

What exactly do you mean by stringing me along? And the later on what you said for the something stupid category is kinda weird. Hah.

AliceNWonderland: 10 years you say....hmmm. Yeah, I can see what you mean by that. I guess as you said, only thing to do is wait and see (essentially)

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by LeHah

If she knows you've liked her for a while, why did she hook up with this other, abusive guy? She skipped over you, man. You're second-string, you're Ducky from Pretty In Pink.

"If you want someone to love you, open your heart. If you want someone to be obsessed with you, close it."

Your avatar plus that Ducky reference has given you a hell of a lot of bonus points.

I had feelings for her last school year in september (2004). This was when I was oblivious and didn't really notice that she and her current boyfriend really liked eachother and were starting to go out. So I let my feelings just fade and she realized that I liked her earlier because my actions around her weren't the same (around Oct 2004) (Side:note, I met her and became friends with her in Sep 2004) I'm not entirely sure if she currently has any idea that I have feelings about her though.

FELIPE NO

I read through the whole site, and upon doing so I'm not entirely sure how I would do a 'ladder jump' successfully. The only thing I saw on the site was two examples of unsuccessful ladder jumps where he tries to kiss her and gets rejected, and where he asks her on a second date and gets rejected. Is that supposed to say that there is no way to successfully do a ladder jump?

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Well I'm going to be at art school tonight and if he does actually try anything to hurt her I will punch him hard in the face. Otherwise I can't since I'm not really supposed to know anything.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Sorry, wht I said probably sounded too severe?
If he is assaulting her or anything at art school tonight, or anything of the sort, I will remove him from her to protect her and make sure she gets to safety, and if he turns on me, of course limited self defense.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Surprisingly, not really. Once he gets the idea that what he did isn't wrong, there is no convincing him otherwise -_-

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Neither her nor I were able to tell him that him shoving her into a wall hurt her physically and emotionally, and he thinks he didn't hurt her and he was right in doing it. -_-

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Devo

Here's a couple good questions:

Considering there are two sides to every story are you completely sure he did anything to her? How do you know it's not a ploy on her end? And don't give me that crap "she wouldn't lie to me." Guys who say such things obviously don't know girls well enough.

Haha, im not stupid enough to not know there are two sides. The only thing I know is true for certain is him assaulting her/shovingher into a wall at art school. Mainly because someone asked me what was happenin between those two. And I have talked to him and he has stated that he has done nothing to hurt her, and has never hurt her, mentally or physically. Yet I allso heard the assault story from her shortly after. And since I already heard it form another, unbiased source, my current viewpoint is that he seems more at fault.
She has even admitted to me that neither of them are perfect, and that she has done very minor things (like say some stuff she didn't mean during arguments and such). But he believes it's all of her fault and he has done nothing wrong.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Devo

If I've learned anything it's that relationships are far more complicated than either party "being the singular cause." The fact that she calls what she's done "minor" means she's in denial of what she has done. It takes two to tango, I'm not saying he can't be an abusive asshole, but I think she's downplaying her role in the breakup for sympathy.

She probably is. But I have seen one or two of their fights from beginning to end in art school. Always starting with her saying something jokingly, he gets offended, then is overly critical of her and get's even further annoyed by 'the tone of her voice' which is generally calm, until they start yelling.
I'm not saying that she isn't bending the truth at all. I'm just saying that from what I've seen she probably isn't bending it a hell of a lot.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Yeah, her last bf was emotionally unwell and that took her a month to get over it. Her father doesn't beat her, it's just that she still has feelings for him, though isn't really sure whether or not ot continue the relationship or not. From the looks of it it's leaning towards taking a (possibly long) break. During which I will obviously be friends with her.
And surprisingly I'm somewhat good at handling numerous things. A long time ago my father was physically abusive, to an extent, and mentally abusive to my whole family (though only physically to me). Saw a psych about that, my crohn's disease, and numerous otehr things. So although I'm not capable of probably helping her out completely, I might be able to do something for her in terms of having a physically abusive signiicant other, y'know?

FELIPE NO

she doesn't use coach, she just uses a kipling backpack.

And as for anything else comical. I advised her if it were to happen again nailing him in the crotch would paralyze him long enough for her to slowly walk off laughing.

How ya doing, buddy?

She's currently broken up with him (most likely for good now) and he refuses to talk to her and she is fed up with him and such.

My current idea is to wait until I can see that she is getting / already is over him then start to make a move. Would that be the best course of actions?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Any advice in what to do from here on out in terms of flirting/asking her out and timing and such? I've always sucked at it and have it blown up in my face.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

So just see if she wants to get some coffee or catch a movie sometime and such?
Also, when would I know when it is a good time to flirt / how to tell if she is interested in me?

How ya doing, buddy?

Currently in High School, 12th grade. And the two of us are going to be going to the same college.

And by "Let her come to you" are you refering to let her ask me, or wait until she flirts or something?
(Also, if it isn't much of a bother, what are some of the ways you can tell if a girl is flirting with you?)

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

She hasn't really anounced any of this to anyone other then me, so she didn't realy 'announce' it to people.

She isnt really that unstable, its just when she loves someone she'll try to fix the relationship until she's f'n fed up, then she'll just end it.

How will I be able to tell if she does show an interest in me / flirts with me?

I was speaking idiomatically.

I think if she had her hands down my pants I would care less about asking her out at that moment =p

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Reznor

So you're saying you're only in it for the SEX?

No wonder you can't tell.

It's called sarcasm, I guess I forgot that doesn't carry over well online.:biggrin:

FELIPE NO

Well after reading through your conversation here, I have the following info to add on.

When she had a crush on her latest (now ex) bf, she told me (in retrospect) that she was soo nervous about confronting him about it but after two weeks she built up the guts to ask him to the movies. So she seems to be the type that if she likes someone, she is willing to make a move.

And SMX, How would you suggest I make it known that I am attracted to her like that? (I am probably going to wait a few weeks (4-6) before attempting anything, if at all. Depending on her current situation with the as---I mean ex.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

To be honest dude, this probably doesn't bode well for you.

She probably sees you as a friend if she confides this to you - and she doesn't think you'll get upset or jealous.

Try working on the romantic aspect in those couple of weeks.

She told me this around a year ago when we were becoming close friends, it's not something she has told me recently. Does that fact make any difference?

Double Post:
Well basically my 'group' of friends I'm in are kinda....touchy, for lack of better words.
I know I can keep eye contact with her for awhile without her looking away, save for at art school because we are supposed to be working.
Getting next to her, yeah, we're all always in eachothers faces.
I can touch her without her freezing up, but only in certain ways
Yes, I can playfully grab her / poke her/tickle her. (though she isn't highly fond of poking)

And yes, I'm not sure if there would be that big of a chance for her to actually say yes, but I will try to keep my confidence up so it doesn't look like I've got none.
And would it really hurt to just go for it and try?

Jam it back in, in the dark.