EXIT STRATEGY

I think about suicide quite a bit. I'd like it to be painless, and not especially messy. I would also like to not be found by my mother, who loves me very much. Even though I really resent her, no one deserves to find their own child after they've killed themselves.

I've considered an overdose on sleeping pills for a long time, but I suppose there's always a chance they might not work. And there's also the matter of not being found, so depending on my mood when I do it, I've narrowed it down to two choices:

Dousing myself in gasoline in a remote area and setting myself on fire (if I feel as though I should punish myself for being so weak and selfish). Or tying a cinder block to my foot and drowning myself. I suppose I'd have to use a chain and padlock or something so I couldn't untie it, though.

So much for painless. I don't own a gun, though, and I wouldn't want to steal one. Can't cut myself because veins make me squeamish.

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I think you have to take into account the mindset of someone when they commit suicide. I think it becomes the only option. I think you find ways to rationalize it - the most common probably being that others would be better off without you. That you're actually doing people a favor.

My theory, I guess, is that your mind becomes warped. I've had three people I've known attempt suicide, two of whom were successful. I've also had clinical depression for the last couple of years or so, and I've never had any treatment beyond one therapy session. It was embarrasing, so I never went back, but it is the only reason I know that I have a mental problem, as opposed to the usual teenage angst routine. I guess it was morbidly reassuring in that sense.

And my mind is completely warped. Everyone knows the symptoms of depression, so I'll spare you. But the funny thing is how my perception of suicide has changed since I was seventeen, and I'm nineteen now. It started out with the usual thing - I'd never do it! Look what it's done to my family. Then I actually started to think of how I'd do it, you know, just for the hell of it. But now I know that any time I could walk up to the drug store, buy a bottle of sleeping pills, and end the frustration. It's always in the back of my mind - it could all be over in half an hour. Being tired all the time, the lack of motivation and self control, watching every day pass by exactly the same as the last promising that tomorrow would definitely be the day I got off my ass - it could all be over! No more frustration and anxiety.

Anyway, I think it eventually something snaps and you just do it. You don't prepare for it or anything, don't leave a note, you just finally get it over with. It's best for everyone - you're dead weight, everyone will get over your death and be better off in the end. And you don't have to feel like a burden anymore. You don't have to try and fail every day of your life anymore. You just let everything go - you tried your best and life just isn't for you. I imagine it feels really great.

So that's why I don't think suicide is cowardly or selfish. Because I feel like I'm close to where they were and I think I understand. It just fucking crushes you, and I don't blame them for letting everything go. Neither of the people I've known who have commited suicide were cowards. They had real mental problems, something was fucked up in their minds, and it's a goddamn shame no one saw it coming.

There's nowhere I can't reach.