Suicide

I think about it a lot. My uncle killed himself four years ago, a girl I had known since kindergarten tried to and luckily failed, and my best friend's father killed himself in September. I've been dealing with social anxiety disorder and clinical depression without any kind of treatment for the last couple years, and I'm sure that affects my thinking, as well.

Over the past few months I've actually given it some real thought - the most painless way to do it, the least messy way to do it. Trying to rationalize the act, even though I've seen what it does to the people around someone who commits suicide. Here's the big thing for me - I've dug myself a deep a very deep hole, to spare everyone the details, and I don't see myself ever getting out of it. Suicide seems much more likely, and I've felt lately as though I've just been biding my time until I finally work up the nerve to do it.

And as to what it would do to those around me - well, they'd be better off without me, of course! Sure, my family would be devastated now, but it would be better than watching me grow up to be a worthless piece of shit. There's an element of making a final statement of sorts for me, too. I wouldn't leave a note or give any sort of warning signs - I'd just be dead.

I give a lot of thought to how people would react to it, how they would talk about me after I was dead. They'd sure talk about me more than they do now, when I'm alive. I've always really wanted more attention from people than I get, but I've never been motivated to do enough to warrant it, or to even ask for it. What better way to indirectly get it than by killing yourself? The grand irony being, of course, that you're not alive to recieve it.

I know these are irrational thoughts, but it's amazing how strong they can get. I always hear that people who commit suicide are selfish, but now that I think I understand what they're thinking when they do it, I don't think they're being selfish at all. I guess it's different for everyone, but I imagine the thoughts just keep coming and coming until they take over. You convince yourself that your family and the world at large would be a better place without you, and you finally do it.

Jam it back in, in the dark.