You heard WHAT about me?!

Best rumour I ever heard. I'd switched schools, because I'd come back from the UK to Canada, midway through 11th grade. Wound up at this right posh school, a lot of upper class gits in khakis, you know the type.

Anyway, here I show up, still in the height of my gutterpunk days, rocking a Dublin accent as I always do when I've been home for any stretch of time, and like I said, back then I had the mohawk and the heavy facial piercings etc. Well I played for their football teams, both of them, and baseball. Pretty much kept to myself, had my own group of friends from another school. Didn't really run with any group outside of whatever girl I happened to be hooked up with at the time.

Now, I expect comments about me at this point. I alienate a few people. Play on sports teams, hate the jocks I play with. You know, standard high school idiot stuff. But I wind up hooking up with this bird after a footy game, and she tells me that I'm really nice, given what she'd heard about me.

So I ask what she heard. And this is when I get the best possible answer ever.

Rumour around the school is that I got kicked out of my last school because I raped a girl, and stabbed her boyfriend. Now, I'm laughing. And this girl is mad as hell, because she thinks I'm laughing at -her- for initially being scared of me. So I have to nicely explain that I am neither a rapist, nor a murderer, and I've also never been kicked out of a school for anything but fighting. And that wasn't my school. Apparently this rumour had gotten ALL around the school, and "everybody" knew it.

I literally didn't shake it until halfway through 12th grade, when a friend of mine from home came in and nicely explained to people that I'd left, not been kicked out, and though I'd been known to play rough, I'd never been arrested for rape at any point in my scholastic career.

By grade 12 I'd become much more my social butterfly self, and people were more willing to accept I maybe didn't stab a guy when he caught me forcing myself on his girlfriend. Which was sweet of them.

P.S.

Frank. High five on us both being imaginary rapists.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I got that one, Sass. Because I wore (and still do) this gorgeous black wool 3/4 length greatcoat. It was my grandfathers during WW II, and served as an officer's uniform in the colder countries. Some grade 9 freaked the fuck out about it and I got called to the office. Classy stuff.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Yeah, my grandpa was the only guy in the family my size for generations. 6'4" and built like a truck.

And yeah, Wool-Cashmere blend. Beautiful.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Because hookers don't make it complicated when you get them 'in a family way'?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by DeLorean

You know, I used to always hate people who spread rumors that hurt other people until I realized that most of them rung some truth. I have heard rumors about many girls, and later in life gotten to know a few of them really well, and it was unbelievable how many of the rumors are true. If guys are saying you show off your boobs too much, I'd put my money on them... sorry.

Wait, show off your boobs too much? Who the fuck are you, the tit-patrol? Is she breaking any company rules about dress code? No? Then have a coke and shut the fuck up. Since when the hell is a low-rise shirt fetish a crime, anyway? Jesus, to quote my boy Patton Oswalt, you are going to die alone, and miss everything cool.

How ya doing, buddy?