Your Occupying Romances (Crushes!)

I'm going to do you a favour. I'm going to go through this god awful poem and tell you why it is absolute rubbish. Mind you, I get paid as a TA for English courses, and normally you'd have to be in one of my classes to get this... but you, oh mate, you're worth it.


To 14 from 19

Your face beckons me pleasance
a fantasm of my thoughts present
a spell fits between us
and in its colors

First off, let's hit the obvious. This sort of archaic language usage is A) a sign that you're overcompensating for a lack of actual language skills, and B) a pointless distraction. It's like flashing neon lights over the Mona Lisa so as to attract attention. You're hurting the work with this useless writing "style."

I see you
when you visit a time
of a future desert:
you're wearing a dark green bandanna
your eyes I can't make out their color
they are those indecipherable oasis
that spill the light of water and earth.

Your visual imagery is trite, hackneyed and cliched. Next you'll tell me how deep, like the ocean, is her gaze. Again, you're using laughably outdated stylistic devices to get yourself across. I can only assume this stems from uncertainty in your writing abilities.

Your hair holds steady its curls in
the heavy heat. The flavor of your cheeks
melts onto the neck of your dress
a most beautiful and daring design.

This has nothing to do with the writing, but that last passage screams sexual involvement. Try arguing again that you have no sexual feelings for a 14 year old. Christ.

When you visit a time
of a future spring,
you stand erect and naked (it's cold) Oh, come on!
your feet are the frog's
and the sea-textured boulder's too.

See, the last two lines were fairly good. It's a nice image, it isn't overly drawn out and you didn't have to put on your Lord Byron costume to pull it out.

The way you stand in the river's stream
is the way you shine in the summer's sun
who deems the brilliance of you.

Now,
I hear your infectious laugh and
I taste the air around you for hope.
Your hums are that enchanted sound
that does me in entranced.
You are a girl's blooming youth.

Not as bad as the earlier lines, but still. No sexual feelings for said 14 year old? What's that, Mr. Freud? You have a cigar for me? I'm sure it's a friendly gift with no secondary meanings at all!

I see your eyes
pace into the dusty forest
I am your tall elbow
conjoined with your own
my head at the top of the trees
I narrate the woods
discern between the healthy fruits
and the poisonous ones
I watch you eat
and your smiling lips
when you see a fox tumble.

This is just getting creepy... So much phallic imagery...

I see each time you breathe
rays of sunshine twist into your mouth
of those I allow you breathe
I filter that magic around you

Oh, I get it. You want to be the only person she ever learns anything from. This is a wanting to be needed thing.

I am a young man's charm
to allow you the body's giggles
I am the patience of your future present
when I confess my gentleness...

The body's giggles is the single worst line I've ever read. No, second worst. I once read this poem that went "It feels like I'm surrounded in darkness, like I'm living in darkness." That was worse, but this was close. Again, very poorly worded.

On the infinitum of layers
that make us think together
about the fantasy of us
making a sanctuary of a bed.

This would have been a very strong line if it was the ending of a decent poem. Of course, it isn't. In one fell swoop you've managed to write a horrible poem and prove you fantasize about having sex with a 14 year old girl who clearly doesn't know enough to understand your "brotherly instincts" are predatory in nature. You're covering for bad writing with faux-erudite language. And you're covering for possible pedophilia with thinly-veiled attempts at excuses. Sorry, mate. I have to grade you.

35%.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Reznor

I personally think my revision of the second stanza is much better suited to this poem:

Your hair holds steady its curls in the heavy heat.
I write this flagrant poem to you,
To convince you that you're not just a piece of meat,

It's good, but I prefer this version:

"i liek 2 watch young gurls and jerk it ruff 2 them"

As written by my friend, the english professor.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

There's this dude on the intraweb named Kevin Wong. I think he and this dude should be chivalrous together.

An excerpt:

"As Launa was staring at the beautiful grounds below her balcony, Kevin decided to enter Launa's room to let her know that he was here. However, just as Kevin was about to approach Launa to let her know that he was here, Launa suddenly left her balcony and immediately went into her bathroom; she had not noticed Kevin's presence.

In her bathroom, Launa had drawn a hot bubble bath for herself, and the tub had just become full when Kevin began approaching Launa, which was why Launa suddenly entered her bathroom instead of receiving Kevin. The bubbles and temperature of the bath were just right at this moment for Launa — with pillows of steam and thousands of delightful bubbles rising from the tub — and so Launa wanted to enter her bath right away. Plus, Launa did not know that Kevin was in her bedroom, and so she had no reason to stop her plans of taking a soothing, steamy-hot bath. As such, even though Kevin was standing in the very next room, Launa sexily dropped the pink bathrobe that she was wearing straight to the ground, revealing her absolutely stunning nude body and her untouched virginal skin. Placing her delicate right foot in first to test the water, Launa found it to be just perfect, and so she proceeded to place her other foot into the wonderfully comforting bath, and then she lowered her entire sultry body into the pure, steamy water that was now entrancingly settled beneath her.

As the sweltering water wrapped around and soothed her aching muscles and nerves, and the sensation of the soapy bath began to enter her body, mind, and soul, Launa soon began to daydream. With the pleasurable heat of the water surrounding her and entering her, and her body naked and free as it was, Launa could not help but fantasize about the love of her life, Kevin, as she sat blissfully in her bath. As Launa dreamed of Kevin, she unconsciously and slowly began caressing her body with her hands — from her head, all the way to her feet. As Launa did this, her body quivered with excitement, and tiny goose bumps began to ripple all over her body, causing it to tingle with joy. After losing herself thusly in her dreams for a couple of minutes, Launa suddenly realized where she was and what she was doing, and she bashfully smiled and began to clean herself appropriately — like she was supposed to be doing all along!

After Launa began taking her bath, Kevin could not help but sneak a peek at his beloved through her open bathroom door. As Kevin looked through the bathroom door, he saw Launa bathing her delicate body with a pink bath pouf, and when she was finished, she proceeded to wash her hair with a rare shampoo that kept her hair shiny and healthy. Then, using clean water from the bath's handheld showerhead, Launa rinsed her long and lovely hair, and she cleansed the cloud-like pillows of soap that had collected all over her body during her earlier fantasies. Although Kevin was glancing occasionally at Launa while she bathed herself, Kevin behaved gentlemanly, and so he did not look at anything of Launa's beyond what would have been chivalrous; Kevin just wanted to see how beautiful Launa's face was, as she gracefully bathed herself in her bubbly bathtub. Besides, if he and Launa were ever to get married, Kevin wanted to save the mystery and the once-in-a-lifetime experience of seeing Launa naked for the first time, for their wedding night. And so, as he became entranced with the beauty and the purity of his lover Launa, Kevin could not help but remember how special and magical it was that he and Launa fell in love in the first place, and about the day when he first learned that Launa loved him, as much as he loved her..."

Fuck, I wish I was making this shit up.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Reznor

Set tasers to "REDUNDANCY" and fire on Kevin Wong.

Fuck man, I WISH you were making that shit up too.

No wonder your Professor friend mocks him.

http://books.google.com/books?vid=IS...sec=frontcover

Look him up, Aquos. He is your future.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Decoy Goat

I see your neckbeard glistening in the sunlight,
I smile coyly from the wading pool in my bikini top
that suggests my age is greater
than the kids section at k-mart prescribes

you descrate me with you manhood
that only renaissance wenches so far have felt
your harem finds a new member
as you member me into the twilight

I wept, I laughed, I cried.


A+

I was speaking idiomatically.