Death

I think about death a lot. I'm not scared of it for myself, only of a long illness that may come before. I would prefer it to go by quickly. If I were to die today, it would be okay by me. Since I don't believe in any sort of afterlife, what would it matter? Once you're dead, you can't be upset about being dead. Although in the moment before, I would probably feel sorry for my family. Or maybe not, I can't really put myself into that position, because I have never had a near-death experience.

What terrifies me, though, is the death of others close to me. I mostly think about that aspect. My dad died last February. He was supposed to live with cancer for 2-5 years. He died after 10 weeks, and he sure as hell wasn't "at peace" with it. He was pissed off when he could still talk. Sometimes hopeful. Sometimes fake. And in the last few weeks, completely hopeless, refusing to eat, refusing to take his pills. He was suffering. He wasn't ready to die. There is no fairness in life or death, and anything can happen to anyone at any time. I wasn't there when he died, not even on the day before the night when he died. No one was. I saw him the next morning, but by then, it was very abstract, very cold and strange. It wasn't him anymore. He looked very small.

Although others have died, the only death I have physically witnessed was that of my grandmother in 2001. And of course she was old, and of course that was entirely different, but still, although it was almost 7 years ago, and although I was 13 then, it keeps following me. She looked terrible, that pale, bluish look, and very stiff, like a wax doll. She lived with us then, so she died in our house, in the basement. She just collapsed while my mom was supporting her, and I only heard her cry "Mutti, Mutti!". Then I called the ambulance, but on the phone, I was so confused that I gave them a wrong piece of information - I told them she was still conscious, which she wasn't. I called them again to correct myself, but I always thought that if I'd given them the right information straight away, she wouldn't have died. I don't know why, but I thought that for years. It didn't occur to me that she was old and sick, and that her heart had already failed long before they could have reached us. It was my fault. I think that's one of the worst things about death, the lack of control we have over it, and how we try to compensate.

My mom got in a minor car accident today, for the fourth time this year. I'm so terrified that something will happen to her, if she keeps driving like she does. It's my biggest fear.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Yeah, sometimes, I think it would be easier to be religious. It would give things a meaning. I guess I'm just too sceptical and cynical.

Being young doesn't necessarily equate having no worries and living life, even in "developed" countries. Although we are comparatively well off.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by DarkLink2135

Well actually the worst case would be that there is something afterwards, but it's really horrible.

I agree. The prospect of nothing isn't scary. If you don't exist, you can't be bothered by your own non-existence. However, this can still be hard to accept, if you're thinking about other people who have left you. I guess it may be comforting for some people to believe that the dead stay close, and things like that. I can't believe in it, but at the same time, I can't not believe in it 100%. Human weakness.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Good point, Shorty. The idea of "unfinished business" would bother me as well. That's why I hope I die suddenly. I know it's selfish, but I don't want to have to wait for death. It would become a whole lot more frightening once it approaches.

But in general, it's really the death of others that I fear the most. I try to do everything to keep people safe, but it doesn't always work. I'm terrified, because I know that they, too, will, inevitably, die. That's difficult to accept and not think about it all the time. How do you guys cope with it?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?