How do you deal with things out of your control?

I have no answers. To me, the only logical conclusion is that there is no such thing as justice in the world, but that isn't particularly helpful.

My father passed away 10 months ago to the day at the age of 57 from an unknown primary cancer (they suspected lung - he didn't smoke) that had metastasized in his brain. In November, he seemed perfectly healthy, but was diagnosed with it on the 17th, and by the middle of December, the effects it had on his brain were severe. 10 weeks after the diagnosis, it was over.

There are different cases, of course. My paternal grandfather was diagnosed with three different kinds of cancer and told he had 2 months to live, but lived for 14 years. Don't give up. There is no way you can prepare yourself for another person's death, no matter what anyone tells you, and hope is what keeps us going. So much is still unknown in that area. I wish you and your friend the best of luck, and I really hope things still make a positive turn for him.

Like I said before, I have no answers. But you can deal with anything, if you have to - because life has to go on, it does go on. People cope in different ways, and don't let anyone tell you that yours is "wrong".

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Bernard Black

I find pessimism works well for me. That way I expect bad things to happen to good people and not having that shock and anger factor there makes it easier to deal with. Then you can support whoever it is in any way possible.

I'm a pessimist as well, but I find that no matter how pessimistic I am, there are some things this doesn't protect me from, like the shock and the anger about death. No matter how much you try to prepare yourself for something, there are some things that feel so different and overwhelming when you actually experience them.

I think answers such as "just accept it" are logical, but don't always work. There are things we find hard to accept, and that we perhaps should find hard to accept. Anger is a natural reaction, and I think the most important thing is to allow yourself to feel these things, and not to try and push them away and just "move on" without grieving. That's what I tried - and for me, at least, it didn't work.

So again, I don't think there's really a right or a wrong answer here. Everyone has to find their own way of coping, no matter what other people tell them they should feel and do - and we do cope, because we have to. And please don't blame yourself for anything.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Yes, I think staying positive is definitely important for your friend, no matter how hard it may seem. It's the worst thing when people give up, and the helplessness that goes with it...he has to keep his hopes up for his own sanity. Just be there for him, whether he wants to talk about it or not (as Fire on Ice pointed out, he may not want to talk about it at all), spend time with him, have good moments with him as well (e.g. by doing normal things you both enjoy and would do otherwise as well). It always depends, because every situation is different. But do whatever seems to help him, and whatever helps you cope. And that is something nobody else can tell you.

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Well, that would be great if humans were 100% rational beings. His friend has cancer, of course he's going to worry! I would even say that worrying is appropriate to the situation, and there's probably not much he can do to just "stop worrying". Playing video games isn't going to make him feel much better.

I do think, though, that it makes you feel a little bit more at ease if you know you're doing all you can. Just be there for your friend and see what he needs from you, listen to him. But try not to drive yourself crazy about what you can't do, what you can't control. Remind yourself of what you are doing for him. I know it's hard.

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