GFF Literary Workshop: Trial Week 1

Woo~ This is definitely a thread I could get into, add me to the queue, eh? Alright, anyway, on with it...

The story starts out pretty strong, I think. As Orion mentioned, putting questions in the readers mind as to just what's going on. Most of the ideas are well developed. I remember writing stories exactly like this when I was younger, however. Some people may construe it as unoriginal, but I like these types of stories so they can piss off. Heh.

The second paragraph is a little weak in content but it has some good ideas. I can see how you were trying to do a little foreshadowing before revealing what exactly is going on, which is good. Think about describing the setting more in this paragraph.

The next couple of paragraphs set up exactly who this man and they do it effectively. The paragraph where you describe his shortcomings and how his wife is cheating on him and the world is exploding (oh noes) seems a little melodramatic to me. Perhaps you could give us more depth into what exactly his problems are, rather than throwing on a bunch of stuff that just doesn't seem to great at all. Again, as Orion mentioned, character development is awesome, include more of it!

I would have liked to have seen more description in the next paragraph. I mean, the part where Howard disappears is a pivotal part of the story, but it really seems like you overlooked it in favor of other parts of the story. The introduction to Prof. Crath is also rather bland. Rather than just saying, "POOF HERES THE GUY THAT DID IT" why not create a situation where the characters meet up again. Also in that regard, it's somewhat vague how Howard actually meets Prof. Carth.

The ending was effective, but a little bland. I have a feeling if you took your time and revised it a bit, added a little more description (AND MORE AND BIGGER EXPLOSIONS), then it could be a very great ending. IMHO, it's already got the elements of a good one, it just needs a little extra literary punch.

On a whole, I liked the story. It reminded me of the that old black and white movie they make you watch in High School (To Wish Upon a Star, or something like that). Which is good. I liked that movie. And I like this too. It could be considered cliche, but I think you could probably drive your audience to say otherwise assuming you go back and liven things up a bit.

That's my two cents, don't kill plz.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by GRYPHUS-1

Also, sentence structure could use a bit of work (for example, "He left the bar intending to stop a scientific genius who he'd help lose funding." Awkward and unwieldy. Since you describe the situation anyway in the next paragraph, you might consider leaving it fairly open-ended, like "He left the bar, his mind and intention focused on finding one very specific man: a self-proclaimed scientific genius." I also debate the "genius" part since obviously he wasn't that smart, causing accidents and such.

To expand on this a bit, you could use a bit of work on your sentence variation as well. Reading through I noticed a lot of sentences start with "He did this" or "The next thing happened." He and The (there were others too) are good words, but they get dull and boring when over used.

Most amazing jew boots