Why not to kill yourself

I have no personality, im boring
im fat
im in a foreign country where i meant to learn a language i dont know
i was just recently dumped by the love of my life becuase "im not a person"


What do I have to live for?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

superego refers to Sigmund froids id, ego, and superego model.

this is the story...

I've been in a case of unrequited love with this girl for the past few years. We would hang out every day, acted very affectionate towards each other, but remained friends...we had what I'd like to call, a "romantic" friendship. So on the side i've been trying to solve the puzzle at what i could have done to have gotten her to fall in love with me, or crush on me. Her best friend, who knew her inside out and had an iq of like 147, trained me. He told me things i did wrong, said he was pretty sure she liked me but wouldn't admit it yet, etc. around Christmas he says its not going to work, i flip out, go online and curse her out (very immature, i know, at the time i guess i was a little dumb). She "dissociates" all her feelings from me, so it's like she doesn't even know me, so for the next three month i beg for her forgiveness. I couldn't do it all day of course, so i would spend a lot of time with me friends, and to be honest had a great time. I started going to the gym, eating healthy....i was pretty stress free for the first time in awhile.

Then I took acid. My friends were all big druggies, not me so much, but one night i decided to take acid, i was going to use the drug to think about things in a way i normally couldn't. it was a terrible night, i sat in the corner of the room and just stared, i don't remember what i thought about and i don't remember much after that either. I know it was all about me and all negative. Something happened to me after I did acid, or so I believed, because for the first time in my life I was falling asleep at night without thinking about anything, people like my brother and my friends would tell me "you're jacked", which was something I never got before. I was also very quiet around my friends, something im usually not. I don't know how this happened, but the girl I liked for so long came back to me, not only that, but wanted to go out with me( i didn't know yet). She said she thought about me all the time blah blah, etc. I didn't really think about her that much and wasn't obsessed with her like I've been for years. When I heard stuff like this I told her straight out, ok, we can chill once in awhile if we are going to be friends again. And she was like...I can't have that. I asked her why not and she said she just wouldn't be able to deal with it. Little by little things happened, and one day I just said, kiss me, and she did. Then we went out for like 3 months. We did a lot of making out, but nothing more, and every day it seemed like she got a little farther away from me. About two months ago I knew it was coming to an end..she wouldn't even touch me, she barely talked to me, i was consumed. I told her " I know what's happening, let's just be friends, I can't take this pain". And she was like, I can't just go back to being friends. 5 days later she dumps me and has a hickey on her neck, that she got from a girl. She hid it from me too...Then she tells me things like, I was more of a person back then and she didn't trust me. So about a week after getting my heart, confidence, and mind, ripped apart by this girl, I'm on the plane headed to France, to learn French and study abroad with my dad's side of the family...who I've never really known or felt comfortable around. On the same note, I can't escape my mind, my insecurity, and the feeling that I was once an amazing person...amazing enough to make this girl really like me...because of a drug that temporarily altered my personality. Now I'm in France, can't talk to anyone, and if I were, what would it be about, myself? it's all I think about, I feel like my mind is a prison and I can't escape. I'd die to spend my day either not thinking, or thinking about something interesting, not questioning myself and my past.

-So did acid really change my personality, to allow this girl to like me?
-Did she like me because she came out of dissociation, felt closer to me than ever, and was rejected?
-Was I calm and relaxed because for the first time in years I wasn't thinking about her or what to do, and was just chilling with my friends and eating healthy with exercise? or was it acids doing?

I feel like my personality changed, became amazing because of this drug, amazing enough for her to go out with me and for me to be calm and get jacked, and then slowly the acid effect wore off and i became fat again and she didn't like me as much(i also wasn't working out and was eating junk food because i spent all my time with her). I fucking feel like acid made me into the person i ALWAYS wanted to be, then took it away...and if that's the case, living the way I used to again is way too painful.

So was it acid? or lack of this girl + friends + a healthy lifestyle. They both happened at the same time so i don't know.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Denicalis

It wasn't acid. You stopped being a fat, slovenly piece of shit so she liked you. Also, how old are you, like, 16? A girl isn't worth this crap. Grow up and get on with your life.

Well yeah it's a teenage relationship, I'm only 18. The thing is, what makes you so sure it wasn't acid? That's my biggest problem, I feel like acid made me into an amazing person, and now I'm nothing at all.

and what's bothering me isn't necessarily that I'm not with her anymore...the relationship wasn't that good anyway. it's more of how paranoid about my own personality I've become, BECAUSE she dumped me.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Denicalis

Because I've taken acid a fair amount in my time, and I promise you, acid didn't get you into the gym. It might make you think in a different way (read some Huxley if you want some information on it) but it isn't going to make you motivated to change your life like that.

And seriously, get back in the gym and distance yourself from an obviously parasitic woman. You'll feel better. Hell, the current depression might even be your body telling you it wants the hormonal release of working out regularly again.


And Karasu, if you're the shining example of human, I'll pass. Not fond of your personal brand of idiocy, thanks.

That's what I'm saying!! What if acid made me think differently...not just during the trip but after too, and that appealed to this girl. But then the long term effects slowly started wearing off and I went back to "friend" mode because of that.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Denicalis

And I'm telling you, that isn't how it works. Acid doesn't change your personality. And even if it did, then she clearly doesn't like -you- so you should move the fuck on. You know what I see in your situation? Whenever you really want her, she loses interest. When did she come around? When you weren't paying attention to her and had an actual life. Then when you went back to worshiping the ground she walks on, she got bored with you and split. Do the math.

I love you.

That's what I wanted to believe but couldn't....I had this terrible feeling like acid did something to me that lasted beyond the trip.

I was speaking idiomatically.

haha alright, after Denicalis' ass kicking and Night Phoenix's philosophy, I've decided to stop being a bitch. I realized that if theres ONE thing to live for, it's jerking off. I can't do that in hell. Things better than jerking off? well Night Phoenix explained that to me, but jerking off will do just fine.

btw, Denicalis, wtf does your name mean? I'm only curious because I love you for talking the most sense in this post. Like...your a fucking dick. An absolute cockhole. But your smart and contribute more than a lot of people, making it acceptable.

How ya doing, buddy?

Well my confidence was boosted today. I went to my first class here in France, and I met this Mexican-French girl. We talked for like 10 minutes and she left to go take this test thing we were waiting for (to evaluate us). When she got out, she pulled me to side, took out this notepad, wrote down her number, and gave it me. I don't think it necessarily means she likes me, maybe she just wants me to hang out with her and her friends or something, but it was a nice confidence boost.

FELIPE NO