Abusive Relationships

How do you define an abusive relationship? Do you put physical abuse higher on the scale than mental abuse?

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? What advice would you give to others?

Or maybe you hate the very notion and think 'dem bitches DESERVE what they get.

Let's tawk.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by soniclover

Sometimes I think people stay in abusive relationships because they just have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend to function.

I know there's other reasons too but it's just what I think of whenever I hear relationship abuse.

I agree that some people can't stand being alone, and I understand that (though I think its retarded to need someone in your life to function.)

But at which point do you give up and decide "Okay. This ISN'T WORTH IT." What if you have kids, for fucks sakes. ;_;

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by SemperFidelis

The mental abuse is twice as painful as the physical abuse. The pain from a blow subsides. A blow dealt by a sharp tongue scars the mind for a long time.

I disagree. It's a lot harder to hurt someone with words than it is with physical violence. Besides, the fear factor is MUCH more present with the physical abuse. Mental abuse isn't too terrifying, and you can pretty much control what you listen to.

Physical abuse, you can literally fear for your life. Mental abuse is just a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. Calling people BAD NAMES. I mean, come on. Get over it. Consider the SOURCE, here.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by wvlfpvp

Mental/emotional abuse is a lot more than calling names.

Sometimes, it can all be part of laying blame; or, in some cases, refusing to recognize where another person's priorities lie.

Yea, but so what? Any person with a brain can derive their own conclusions, right? And any intelligent person coul dbe able to determine "okay. this isn't the kind of person I want to be with."

I'll never get the emphasis on mental abuse. You LITERALLY can not be mentally abused if you just DON'T LISTEN to bullshit.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by eks

lol

You seem to be using yourself as the standard by which you measure everyone else. You're not wrong, but not everyone is like you.

Yea dude. Totally. People should try to be more like me. The more, the better. ^_^

But seriously. Don't you think that listening to a bunch of angry bullshit out of your loved one's mouth is CRAP? Yea, okay, so it hurts if someone says something REALLY MEAN to you. About O GOD ITS ALL YOUR FAULT our kid is OBESE.

But seriously, people. Use some fucking logic and the mental abuse card will die out on it's own.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Devo

This is going to be a long one I guess.

Sass you a) can't use yourself as a measuring stick, b) have to be more specific when you talk of an abusive relationship and c) need to stop assuming these women can leave the situation they're in so easily.

Okay. Here we go.

I've been in many, many kinds of abusive situations that you can imagine from ex boyfriends to family members. (I didn't get this mean from being raised on sugar and spice, lady)

And yea, you're right - its NOT EASY to fix the problem. But unless you feel like getting shit on for the rest of your life, you need to stand up, slam down your fist, and start being the one who makes decisions for yourself.

I wasn't always a control freak like I am now. I learned to be this way.

I've had my life threatened by more than one person who was close to me. I've been smacked around, I've been thrown across rooms, I've been choked against a wall, had a woman literally come at me with a knife, threaten the lives of my family members, had a few forced sexual situations, et cetera. (The real reason I started weight lifting, actually. It was my only remedy in my mind to not get tossed around.)

The end result was me one-upping, and scaring the ever-living shit out of the abusers. Sure, not everyone can do that. I pretty much went insane with rage and in the end, I stopped the shit. It's not the MATURE way to deal with it, I admit. And yea, it was probably one of the hardest things to do. But would YOU let yourself get shoved around, slapped around - all that shit - when NO ONE was there to defend you?

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A: You have no idea what situation these women grow up and therefore can't really comment on their motives to be in an abusive relationship. Many grow up in abusive families and unconsciously seek out an abuser because that's all they've known. Some women have no real confidence or self-love so they're convinced although the man harms them, he will be the only one to love them. Others suffer total mental manipulation by their significant other and they seriously believe no one else will take them in, and since they have no real sense of independence, they are dependent. Even the scenarios I mentioned are just the tip of the ice berg because you have the ultra religious who don't believe in divorce despite circumstances, economic reasons, and the added factor of children.

Thats their weakness.

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Devo. Now, I know not everyone can't think like that, and some people don't WANT to, but SURVIVAL is the way to go here.

I know a lot more about abuse than anyone would imagine. I just don't whine about it.

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B: what kind of abuse are you talking about? One in which the partner has done it since the beginning? Married couples? A relationship that just became abusive?

The thread title is open to any and all abuses.

Physical abuse, in MY opinion, is far more egregious than mental abuse. Because just about anyone on the planet has suffered mental abuse at at least once in their life. Hell, we mentally abuse each other on these forums for FUN. ^_^

And in some cases, where men literally overpower a woman physically, a woman needs to put her thinking cap on and get into the groove.

I agree, though, that I can't use myself as a measuring stick. I just sincerely wish women would wisen up, get the fuck out, and carry on.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Devo

I don't think you insulting already insecure people is going to help matters. God forbid you become a help service operator.

Hey man. Their insecurity isn't my problem. They need to learn on their own.

Life isn't for sobbing about all the bad shit that happened to you. Life is for learning from your mistakes and moving on with them in the back of your mind as a lesson. EVERYONE makes mistakes. It's one of the wonderful things about life. WE ALL FUCK UP! =D

You know what the doctors call people who do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result every time, right?

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Devo

Their insecurity is what keeps them in the relationship. You calling them stupid, idiots, morons or whatever doesn't help them at all. If you run into these people you should encourage them and assure them they are NOT what their husbands call them.

You do realize that by belittling them you're doing the exact thing their abusive partners do?

Sure! But they don't love me, and I don't love them! THUS, it should be a LOT EASIER for them to learn a lesson from me! Or according to your argument anyways~

I don't care about their precious feelings, Devo. You should know that. I am a horrible monster. I've been through it. I didn't need anyone to help me. I used the lump 3 feet above my very LARGE ass. I encourage them to get some balls and try it themselves. Until they try, they get no sympathy from me.

GOD, I am mean.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Devo

You make no sense. My argument had to do with your contradictory actions and mouth. You complain about group A (in the case people who are abused), but act to reinforce their insecurity by belittling their intelligence. You're just one of those people who loves bitching about a group but won't help lest you'll lose your superiority over them.

Well, depends on how you define superiority, Devo.

I didn't complain about them, really. I just stated my opinions on the issue, see. YOU'RE the one complaining about how MEAN I am being to them, "belittling their intelligence" and all.

Life should not be dictated by emotions, Devo. It should be dictated by logic.

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By the way Sass speaking of using your brain to leave an awful situation, since apparently that's all you need, how's dealing with your job and your dad's girlfriend going?

Why don't you ask her. I am sure she'd have a few angry things to say about what I do to make her life more difficult.

And I'm not sure how that has anything to do with abusive relationships, but nice attempt at trying to piss me off? I don't even know why you mention it, really. But it's interesting that you're complaining to staff about me!

Patience, my dear Devo, is a virtue. I've learned THIS among all things.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by Devo

You didn't complain about them so much as belittle their intelligence. There are a lot of intelligent people who want to be in love and want to be loved. There are a lot of intelligent people who can get manipulated while in "love."

I definitely agree with that.

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You like assuming that because you found confidence and realized being abused isn't right that everyone works the same way. Sorry Sass, humanity is a lot more complicated than making a mistake and suddenly learning how to fix it.

I never said it wasn't. I made it very clear that I understand that people have a hard time, Devo. I am saying that eventually, these people will wake up, have enough, and decide to make their own decisions. Be the boss, essentially.

People need to pull up their own reins. Thats all I am saying.

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Also the point of my quip about your job and Cheryl/your dad was that you're obviously in an unhappy and dysfunctional circumstance, you have a brain why not just leave?

Because I am determined to win, see. Like I said: Patience. I've put myself through decades of hell just to win a battle in a glorious manner. I've never disappointed myself.

I don't walk away from a problem. I solve it. It may take some time, but I always always get the job done. ^_^

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Devo

If they don't know where the reins are or whether they exist how will they accomplish this task?

If a person doesn't know how to control their own decisions, they need to be in an institution if you ask me.

They are both a risk to themselves and others if they can't control their own decisions. =/

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That's what all abused people say.

Could be! I don't deny the abuse I've endured!

But let me remind you: this isn't a love relationship. Its a work relationship. And apart from you attempting to make personal jabs at me to upset me somehow (which it doesn't), I don't see what the purpose of bringing it up is.

If you'd like to continue the discussion regarding my work environment, I welcome you to any number of the entries I've made about it in my journal.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Devo

Decisions are only as good as the circumstances given.

Disagree.

Assess situation. Determine algorithm. Problem solved.

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It's an abusive relationship (even if it's not a romantic one), what's to stop you from leaving? You're smart enough, you even realize it's an unhealthy situation, why do you keep on working there?

Because I intend to go out with a bang, Devo.

No one steps on me and I subsequently back down. This never happens. I will go through hell and back to make sure the person who did me wrong gets theirs.

I will not continue to discuss the Cheryl Problem here, by the way. I can make an angst thread if you'd like to continue it. I'd like to try and encourage OTHER people to participate here. Not just you and I going baaaaack and fooooorth about it.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Devo

What if your situation never changes. What then?

Okay, so either I'm going to have to close this thread or make a new one in angst.

Which will it be, guys.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Devo

You don't have to, people are basically seeing the denial of an abused person first hand with your replies.

"Oh he'll change."
"This situation won't last."
"I can beat them."

I don't think abused people say that, really. Especially when they're winning. =D
(also, on a personal note, there is a rather large change coming up. To which I've had a hand in. And there's nothing she can do. In fact, she's decided to work for the other guys. That will be in September. So theres that. Win.)

So I guess I'll close this now?

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Soluzar

Oh come on... I'm pretty sure that Sass actually enjoys RAGE. Why would she want to save herself from that?

Kinda do. Its like playing with that cut on your lip. Or maybe playing with fire. CHALLENGE.

And Devo, what do you want me to say. I approach life in a different way than you do. I don't have sympathy for stupid broads. What do you want from me.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Elmoogle

Umm, I actually remember a thread where it was explicitly stated that Pang-n-Sass smack each other around every now and then. This is completely normal and if you disagree Pang will be sarcastic at you until you see things their way or get tired of arguing with a brick wall that has been decorated with a beautiful spray paint frescoe of a man pointing defiantly at a jellyfish.

To expand further on this, we've never put each other in the hospital or anything. And it's not like we're beating the bloody fuck out of each other.

It really does help, you know. He hits me, I hit him or vice versa. Until we end up laughing at each other or insulting each other in reallu juvenile ways.

"ANDY, YOU HIT LIKE A GIRL."
"DANIELLE, YOU ARE A GIRL."
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME!?"
"YEA, THATS RIGHT BITCH."

Laughter ensues. Or possibly violence. Its great for relieving stress.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by ava lilly

well since we're dragging sass' personal life into this, I assume once she doesn't need her work to pay for college anymore, she's good to go?

Since we're going to talk about it ANYways (ugh)

I think Devo just doesn't get my personality.

Yea, I think women in an abusive relationship should shut up or get out.

Whereas with ME and my work situation, I enjoy a good bitch fight. We all know this. I have been in bitch fights for the entire time I've been on this planet. I enjoy them. Sure, I get frustrated. Sure, I get my fair share of being dealt shit at work - like everyone.

But its a challenge for me. And while it makes me VERY angry and it makes me VERY frustrated, I am always up for a challenge. If I couldn't take it, I would leave, sure. But believe me, at this point, I am in it just to say I did it - just to win in the end. And like I said, the end will be in my favor - it's already determined. She loses her job and goes with the other guys.

And it's not like I don't abuse her either. I set little traps. I dish it out. I am just (surprisingly) a lot more passive aggressive with her than you think.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by Lady Miyomi

Sassumomo, why are you curious about something like this?

Alice had made a journal entry about something like it. I saw some potential in a thread there. So I made it.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by washyu64

From a counselor/psychological standpoint, physical abuse is not just physical but always has a mental abuse component as well. Most of the time, people are just not aware of the mental component. As for it being hard to hurt someone with words...spend one day in as a counselor and you'll see how false this statement is. Words hurt longer and more deeply than physical abuse in most situations.

Abuse is abuse, regardless of its form. As a counselor, I have to help those who are hurt by abuse and those who are abusers. I strongly believe that everyone deserves a second chance, if they can prove they are truely worth it.

God, I wonder if you could ooze more sensitive feelings if you tried.

I don't see why you people put so much emphasis on this supposed "mental abuse." The only place I can see it being valid would be in the matter of children. I think there definitely IS mental abuse for them, only because their mind and thought processes aren't matured or solidified.

As for grown adults, I don't know what could be worse. A person who cries and whines about someone treating them in a manner which makes them feel worthless and does nothing about it, or those whole dole out the sympathy to these people like its the end of the fucking world.

PEOPLE ARE MEAN. The world isn't made of daisies and roses. People will try to take advantage of you at every corner - to think otherwise is only naive.

Most amazing jew boots

Originally Posted by LeHah

People who claim to be mentally abused generally aren't doing anything about it - otherwise, they wouldn't be talking/complaining about it. They perpetuate the problem it's self by feeding it with their presence. I don't think you can get much stupider than that.

Wow. Finally. Someone who agrees with me. Well, partially anyways.

I can't imagine "mental abuse" being upheld in a court for anything. It could mean pretty much anything from calling a girl a stupid whore to throwing her down a dry well and telling her to put lotion on her skin. Which actually borders on physical abuse, but whatever.

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Mental abuse IS real - but unless you're locked in a box and stuffed under the bed you're at as much fault of the situation as the person who's calling you bad names. Get over it.

Wait. Wouldn't the actual physical act of locking someone in a box and shoving them under the bed be PHYSICAL abuse?

Mental abuse is such a world of crap. Stop feeling bad for yourselves. Jesus.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by PUG1911

I can't believe that your argument against mental abuse is that basic. Everytime a situation makes you *feel bad* due to something someone said or did in order to hurt you, that's mental abuse. That's all it is, nothing more, nothing less. You can't seriously be arguing that nothing anyone has ever said or done has hurt your feelings? This notion is so entirely alien that those who claim it are 'full of crap'?

You just proved my point.

EVERYONE has had to undergo "mental abuse" at one point or another. It's a bunch of bullshit to claim that you were "mentally abused" or something. Who gives a shit, right? Everyone gets shit on in their lives.

And I don't see why everyone should be walking around on tip-toes to avoid offending everyones' precious feelings. Give me a break.

Mental abuse is just a bunch of crap, you know? O someone mentally abused you? You poor, poor bloke! HERE. LET MOMMY MAKE IT BETTER. Give me a break, mate.

People have certainly HURT my feelings. But who cares, right? I'm not whining about it, and I don't claim to have been "ABUSED" because someone hurt my fucking feelings. Are you kidding me.

Its a part of life, fuckers. Get over it.

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I agree with you that you shouldn't just lamely feel bad for yourself, and that you should get over it. You may get over things quickly, or at least most of it quickly, but that doesn't mean that something didn't happen.

It's best for one to try and learn from these things instead of feel sorry for oneself.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Monkey King

Sass, your machismo in response to mental abuse would be admirable, except that as stated repeatedly, in the same situation you yourself don't do anything to rectify the situation. Vague statements that "things will be changing soon" are the words of a battered wife. You're banking on your dad changing his ways, which we all know is not going to happen. You're not being proactive enough to drive your arch-nemesis away, nor are you willing to swallow your pride and quit.

You're guilty of the very thing you're railing against and you don't even know it.

Sir, what the fuck are you on about. I get neither mentally or physically abused at my place of employ. I get FUCKED with, but thats no big deal. I get fucked with when I go to get my truck repaired too. Or if I go to a nice restaurant. Or ANYTHING.

Are you telling me that employers NEVER take advantage of their employees? Because thats a little naive.

And I've been through this tripe with Devo already. Just because theres a woman in my office that makes my life a living hell doesn't mean that I am getting abused. It means that there's a woman in my office. Take that as you will.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by washyu64

True, people are mean. It does not mean that mental abuse does not occur in adults. It is MORE tramatic to children than adults, typically, but it can be just as devestating to adults, especually if they have never learned good/any coping skills. This is what makes children more vunerable to this type of abuse, since they have few, if any, adequate coping skills when they are young..

Mental abuse in adults is for idiots who can't hold their own in my opinion. Grow a pair of balls and you'll do absolutely fine when someone shoots you down.

If someone shits on you, either express your feelings to the adult doing the shitting, or dish it right back out. If you can't handle it, go the other direction and pay no mind to morons.

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Believing that, just becuase your grown you cannot suffer mental abuse in a relationship or otherwise is also naive.

Disagree. Its the mental state you need to keep. People are generally assholes. The sooner you learn this, the better you can keep your head up and keep on keeping on.

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I never stated the world the was made of daisies and roses. People have hard times, but that is seperate from what mental abuse is. Mental abuse is typically thought of as "emotional abuse" and is the willful infliction of mental or emotional anguish by threat, humiliation, intimidation or other abusive conduct.

O NO. NOT THREAT AND HUMILIATION. O NOOOO. WHAT A TRAGIC THING!

Come on. Every. fucking. person on the planet has been here. The smart ones know how to deal with it. The stupid ones mill over it, and turn it into something a lot bigger than what it actually is.

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Cultural values and expectations play a significant role in how mental abuse is manifested and how it affects its victims. As I stated before, this is also the by-product of physical abuse.

I like how you're playing shrink intern with me. This behavior in itself is hilarious.

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Someone calling you a bad name, or bad mouthing you, is NOT mental abuse. Trying to generalize and applly this to stuff like that is naive. This kinds of situations are not abuse, by any means.

How is calling someone a bad name or badmouthing you any worse than a threat or humiliation, I wonder.

Both are negative emotions directed at another.

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Lastly, people have recieved damages in court cases for "psychological abuse", which is just a more technical term for mental abuse, just so you know Sass. Yes, I know, your gonna want examples of this to prove my point. I have to go take my car in, so I'll find you your examples when I get back in a bit.

I don't want any retarded examples.

People also claim to be in the state of "insanity" when they murdered their spouse because they caught them cheating. "Yea, I was TEMPORARILY INSANE."

And like Alice said, theres a lot of bullshit cases out there. But a woman flipping out and killing her husband because he was mean to her is a load of crap. MAYBE if he was beating the shit out of her every night in front of the kids, I would say "hey, yea, he pushed her over the edge."

But people making threats and humiliating others? Pffth. Get over it. Sure. It hurts - but that doesn't mean it should amount to much.

And to expand on Alice's post: I think mental abuse of children should be as harshly punished as it is for physical abuse. Kids don't need that shit. And I can't tell you how often I see it in grocery stores and shit, man. It really makes me want to flip out on the parents. I don't think they even REALIZE what they're saying to their kids sometimes.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Monkey King

And that's why you don't acknowledge the existence of emotional abuse; you don't know it when you see it.

Sir, I have been through every kind of abuse that exists.

I learned. I sucked it up. I've moved on. It exists. It's just bullshit, and a person should be able to figure that out. I am not a victim if I don't want to be. Thats the decision you've got to make as a person. "Will I let this bring me down?" Emotionally, of course. PHYSICALLY, I think, is a whole new ball game.

Emotions are a strange thing. You can't let your emotions dictate your actions. Someone "abuses" you emotionally, realize it's only feelings, and they don't amount to much unless it's to determine the quality of a person. Afterall, what kind of person would need to threaten, humiliate, et cetera for a petty cause, unprovoked? Probably not a very good one, right? I should say not a very SECURE person instead of judging the overall character of an entire person based on a few flaws.

"Someone threatened me."
"Someone humiliated me."
"Someone made me feel like a shit person."

This happens to me at least once a week. Do I consider it abuse? Absolutely not. A person is trying to get something out of me. Do I give it to them? No. I let them threaten me all they want. I rarely budge. And I don't cry when it happens because it's kind of pointless.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?