Do you remember your first love?

Of course I remember my first love. He was a complete asshole, and I was a complete moron.

I don't remember him fondly, unfortunately. Can't you tell?

His name was Jon. He was one of those punk types. The first time I saw him was at lunch when I was a junior in high school. He had transferred in from another high school in the city. He was sitting on a knoll reading A Clockwork Orange. I was standing around with my friends, behaving badly.

I walked right up to him and talked to him. God knows where I got that confidence. It was out of left field. Started talking to him about the book.

From there, we were pretty much inseparable. He got me into partying, sneaking out at night, being a belligerent asshole, all that shit. I remember being head-over-heels in love with that asshole.

We were only together from about Halloween until spring. It wasn't long. What high school relationships are, really?

It was all kinds of awful. I had a job. He didn't. He liked using my money for drinking and I was A-OKAY with that because, ha ha, I got to spend time with him.

The break-up I remember taking really hard. I cried and cried and cried. I ate next to nothing. I lost a LOT of weight (probably the thinnest I've ever been). To this day, I'm angry with him for the things he did (which I won't go into here, but they're pretty awful).

I should hate on myself for being so goddamn blind too. And I do. But I learned from the experience, and I've moved on.

Just recently, Jon had a baby with his longterm girlfriend. I want to be happy for him. I really do. But I can't be.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Free.User

While you were in the relationship (or in the months after), was the prospect of dis-communication with the other in your future unfathomable? How did that idea change as time went on?

I have no idea if this is a general question to all, but I feel compelled to respond.

I felt like it was the end of the world when we stopped talking out of nowhere. And that's what depressed me most, I think. I wasn't just losing a relationship; I was losing a friend. I have no idea why I WANTED him as my friend in retrospect, but you know how it is.

I got used to not having him around so much, though. I got over it pretty fast. It was hard to see him flirting with other girls in the hallway sometimes, but I stayed out of it, and turned my head.

We still haven't talked once since we broke up.

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Originally Posted by Free.User

The change you two are referring to is the difficult part for me right now. Perhaps I am in denial that I will eventually move away from this person, but right now the idea of close friendship is something I don't want to let go of. I guess only time will tell what happens, and patience is going to play a large role.

I promise you, it will go away. Especially if you're cut off completely from that person.

Pain tends to linger if you're exposed to your ex and have to watch them a lot. Or if you remain friends - I always find it hard to get over a love if you try and remain friends. I perceive it as keeping a wound open.

But some people can do fine with it. I guess it depends on how intense the relationship was.

But yea, anyways, the point is that eventually your pain will lessen and lessen and lessen. But you'll never forget your first love, and you'll always have a place for them somewhere inside your head.

How ya doing, buddy?