[Classic] Manhogan Fantasy V: Because CHz really, really hates himself

[ 22:49:01 ] [ @CHz ] Okay, let's see if I can take Shiva with level 10 Thieves.
[ 22:49:14 ] [ +Tritoch ] Believe in yourself
[ 22:49:43 ] [ @CHz ] How hard could this possibly be without fire spells?
[ 22:50:48 ] [ +Garr ] dis gon be gud
[ 22:50:55 ] [ @CHz ] ^
[ 22:52:02 ] [ @CHz ] This fight is 100% completely pointless because I'm not going to be able to summon anything.
[ 22:52:05 ] [ @CHz ] FOR GLORY
[ 22:53:04 ] [ @CHz ] OH CHRIST

Jam it back in, in the dark.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I HOGAN.

Edit: Let me show you how I abort catastrophic screenshot disaster first.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I HOGAN: ATTEMPT THE SECOND.



Chapter I: The Wind Crystal

Spoiler:

Let's just boot this up here now and-


Oh right. Seeing SE on old FF games still weirds me out for some reason.



Well that's a snazzy lookin title screen there! Haven't played through this version of the game so this should be pretty ballin'.



I feel compelled to get in some sort of Crash joke, just to keep the thread streak alive. Can't figure out where to put it, though.



How do you do!



:flex:



I'm not sure that's how those work.

You guys all know the story by now. We fearlessly abandon the old man and young girl in a dangerous land, but as fate would have it our paths cross again approximately 40 seconds later. That's enough convincing for our hero Biceps, and we join them on their journey.



Ooh!



Better check that shit out!



WHAT THE FUCK



BETRAYAL SPRING



Good thing I have these massive arms to do this heavy thinking.



Not too heavy, though.

Oh well, things work out. Onward!



NOPE.



Time to SHOP.



All right Tule, let's see what you have in store for m-



FUCK



YOU ASSHOLE



Fuck that town anyway, for real. Should have just gone to the wind temple in the first place. I accidentally typed wine temple the first time. I would have definitely sailed there immediately if it existed, because in about fifteen minutes I'm going to need an awful lot of it.



Long story short, this boss is a total joke and I enjoyed using swords while I had the chance.



Lenna begins to make an observation.



Naturally, Butz has to get a word in. Butz is more of an idiot than I remember. Like, actually stupid.



F yeah job time! Let's see what we get here. Come on, monk! Or white mage! Or knight! Or black mage! Or even blue mage!



Naturally.



Probably shouldn't be that excited, you god damn idiot. You have no idea the horrors that await us.



Sigh. That equipment does not seem optimal at all. Jesus christ you are so useless.

Additional Spam:
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I HOGAN, CONTINUED

Chapter II: The Water Crystal

Spoiler:

Our intrepid band of unarmed brigands make their way to the Torna Canal, where horrible calamities do not surely await them.



Faris, Keeper of Armaments.



Look at the wondrous damage! Dagger OP.



Oh SHIT Lenna dealing it out with a massive crit! This damage gonna be-



Well, this venture is going to proceed well.



Karlabos is a total asshole when only two of your characters have weapons, particularly because he somehow seems to know which two those are, and paralyzes only those characters. The upside to this is that with the amount of damage I was taking, I basically needed the other two characters to spend every turn doing nothing but throwing potions anyway.



In the end, we managed to scrape by.



Here we are in the ship graveyard. What a cheery place.



Well if the last fifteen minutes of rampant thievery are any indication, I'll be spending a fair bit of time here while I attempt to grind my way out of weaponless futility.



This will be embarrassingly useful in the future.



This will be useful RIGHT NOW. MUST FARM MORE.



Siren was not too bad, though I only had about 5 potions when I made it to this point. It was a difficult decision whether to use them to prolong my own life or try to kill Siren more quickly. In the end, though, Siren was dead. Along with Faris. RIP.



What strange new lands await us?



Oh, another garbage nothing town. How wonderful. Maybe they have something I can buy to upgrade my pitiful defenses.



LOL NOPE.



BITCH I NEED GEAR I AIN'T GO NO TIME FOR YO FLOWERS



Just gonna practice these scales for a bit and-



Wait, what's that?



SHIT YEAH THIEF PAYING OFF AT LAST

BACK IN TYCOON:

Spoiler:

What's goin' on over there?



Jesus christ come on seeing passages is about all I have going for me right now and it doesn't even work all the time? Fucking bullshit, man.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled mountaineering


I hope they aren't trying to tell me something here.



Let's just keep goin' toward that bridge over there.



Wait what the fuck



What the fuck.



Oh god damn it.



Phew, it's a good thing that I have exactly 4 antidotes.



OH COME ON.



Here's the thing about Magissa and Forza. Normally, you could silence Magissa, and put Forza to sleep. Since I have four god damn thieves I can't do either of those things. Forza's !Tackle ability hits like a god damn truck, so I would like to avoid fighting him for too long if possible, particularly as Magissa will keep shitting all over me with magic, and my only healing is 50 HP potions of sadness.

Magissa starts with 650 HP, and summons Forza at 350. He appears in front of her, which gives her back row status and makes her take half damage from the majority of physical attacks, like the kind of which my entire party is exclusively capable.



I counted HP until she was almost at 350, then waited on everyone to get full action bars and unloaded on her, and got in enough swings to kill her before she summoned Forza. OWNED LIKE HELL.



Sweet Christ, Lenna, could you one time not walk on the poison flowers JUST ONE TIME



Serves you right.



At last, the village of Walse! What interesting inhabitants might await us?



HMM



IT DOESN'T FIGHT BACK OH SHIT THIS IS AWESOME FREE ABP



Okay, back to the quest.



Bitch, I ain't scurred.



He says, to a band composed entirely of thieves.



CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.



Well, I mean I guess it looks a little worrisome, but how bad could this possibl-



OH DEAR GOD



Okay well that should probably have been entirely expected.



I knew there was something I forgot to do.



All right, I'm ready for you this time you asshole.



NOPE.



Just in case I draw Summoner as my next job, I'll swing by and get Shiva.



As I was saying, just in case I draw Summoner as my next job, I'll swing by and get-



-completely annihilated in seconds.



Back in Walse, strange things are afoot at Walse Tower. Let's investigate with the help of the guard!



Apparently by guard, he meant guards. As in two of them.


Garula went berserk, huh. That's weird. I wonder what could have prompted such a drastic change in behaviour.



AHAHAHA FUCK YES GONNA GET SO MANY ABP.



...



DISREGARD CRISIS; ACQUIRE KNIVES



This fight was awful, because once Garula gets down to 800 HP (he starts at 1200) he'll start to counter every attack with up to two physical attacks, which tended to hit my characters for about 90 HP. How the fight proceeded in general was I would attack and hit him for 80, then he would pummel me for a total of about 180 damage, then I would throw a ton of potions around, then he'd Sap me, which is a status effect that gradually decreases a character's HP. I say gradually because it happens over time, but it's actually pretty fucking fast so maybe gradual isn't the best word.



Eventually, victory was mine.



Come oooooooooon not Berserker or Red Mage! For real red mage's !Dualcast is pretty awesome, but since I don't have other casters uhhhhhhh



I am super okay with this because I actually haven't tried out Mystic Knight before.



Shit yeah time for Shiva even though now I'm not gonna have a Summoner so there is literally no point to doing this. But you know what? Fuck Shiva, that's what.



So far so good! Let's put this new-found power to good use.



ALL RIGHT JACKANAPES I AM READY FOR YOU THIS TIME



Okay no big deal, misses happen.



Surely ice will turn out better.



Shit.



SHIT.



YOU'VE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ME, JACKANAPES



And thus, the second chapter of our journey comes to a close as we enter this red-hued town. Seeing as I have actual damage output and ability to take a hit now, things shouldn't be as awful. I still can't heal, but whatever. healing is for sissies.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I MANHOGAN: TOO HOT FOR HOGAN

Chapter III: The Fire Crystal

Spoiler:

Oh man I heard awesome stuff about Karnak's stores! Time to get some stuff!

JUST KIDDING.



GO THE FUCK TO JAIL.

Long story short, Biceps rips the bars out with his bare hands, and then everyone in the castle is cool with us.



For a city that seems to be cool with fucking fires just burning in various places, they are doing an awful lot of freaking out about a bit of fire shooting out of a bit of crystal.



Oh you thought that first one was the Crash joke? Please, I am not so subtle.



Well anyway let's check out this stupid fire boat I guess.



I guess I'm not really allowed to complain about thief anymore, but it's still cool to have it become more useful.



Especially because I still can't heal.



So you know what that means?



STEAL ALL THE HI-POTIONS!



THANKS BITCHES LOL



Anyway this jerk threw some fire bullshit at me and it turned into a man made out of fire.



Little does he realize that I command the relentless, unfathomable power of winter itself.



Well, it sometimes relents.



Now and then.



Oh COME ON guys it's like you aren't even fucking trying anymore.


Real talk, the hand is immune to ice but nigga I don't even give a FUCK that's what Faris is for.



Eventually Faris the no-damage thief landed a hit, and the battle was won.



Of course, that is always how these things go. I'm sure there's a good reason the wind temple didn't explode, and the water tower sank into the sea.



Wait what is this Metroid bullshit?



Essentially I ran around, opened a bunch of boxes, stole a bunch of elixirs, grabbed another sweet elven mantle, and got a new knife for Faris, the LOL MISSED ME Gauche.

I sort of dawdled a bit, and this asshole took forever with his damn transformation speech, and I made it out of the fight with mere seconds to spare.



And almost blew up.



Like that.



Come ooooooooooooooooooon something that doesn't generally suck as bad as Geomancer (aka every other fire crystal job available).



YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, REST OF GAME, YOU WILL PERISH

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Chapter IV: How to Do Relatively Little in Many Pictures

Spoiler:

As we left off last time, Cid seemed to be a little down on himself. God, he could be anywhere. Where would I go if I were feeling the weight of creating the engines that would potentially end the world?



Oh, right.



I guess I’ll go check out this library that everyone’s talking about now that I totally obliterated the massive ramparts that were the city’s only defense against the encroaching monster hordes.



Run into some exotic creatures on the way.



Huh I wonder what that do-



OH JESUS CHRIST



Of course they have. I know how this goes.



WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT I AM NEVER READING A BOOK EVER AGAIN HOLY SHIT :incomprehensible screaming:



Well I don’t have a Summoner but I guess that’s okay.



Relentless winter, etc.



Told off, basically.



Proceed through the nightmare of Reading Rainbow and reach this demon-lookin’ asshole.



Way to halve the MP of my Thief, the only character currently in my party that doesn’t use MP you genius. No wonder you’re fucking dead.



DEAD.



So Cid’s feeling better and fixes up the fire boat, and Biceps has apparently learned a lot about how to drive a ship since his previous failed attempt way back in the beginning. I guess he is capable of learning things after all, evidently.



Now that we have once again regained our ability to traverse the globe, let’s go check out some of these other towns!

Spoiler:

...

Spoiler:

Forget this place, I’ll take my chances in this dangerous cave everyone’s talking about.



Squirrels? From outside the wind temple? This is this treacherous cave of treasure but also death? Level 1 squirrels?



Incisor?



HAHAHAHAHA man this place is a joke, obviously I’ve overleveled given the sheer destructive power wielded by my triad of Mystic Knights.



Holy shit that’s a lot of switches. How do I know which one to pick? Obviously the danger isn’t from the critters roaming the area, so maybe it’s traps? There are a lot of choices. What if only one is right? I don’t like these odds at all. What if I-oh.



More of these squirrels to waste my time. More games need a similar mechanic to Earthbound, where you just automatically win against opponents that you greatly outclass. Would take away so much of the tedium.



Incisor, please. I’ve seen your kung fu.



OH JESUS CHRIST



YOUR NOBLE SACRIFICE WILL NOT BE IN VAIN, BRAVE GALUF



God damn it



I should have left that son of a bitch to rot in jail. DAMN IT.



Not much else to do here so I guess let’s go check out this town just south of us.



What a quaint little forest village.



CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.



WATAP SHEEP BRO



I suppose I deserved that.



Oh sup LeHah circa 2010, hang in there bro. She has a kid with some 15 year old-lookin' chump in a year or something anyway, you dodged a fuckin' bullet dude.



Man I started off as four thieves, beating up old people is my fuckin’ jam.



TIME TO DIE, GEEZER



Well. That was unanticipated.



Oh. Right. (Coral swords inflict lightning damage, which Ramuh absorbs. Fortunately for me, three of my four characters have them equipped. Fuck yeah, planning.)



Welp, there’s one town over there we haven’t been to yet; let’s take a peek.



STOP SHAKING, WORLD.



Wow, that attitude was not at all called for.



Well I can’t do anything here so I guess I’ll just take off th-



WHAT



GOD DAMN IT



Hey, man, thanks for the heads up AFTER MY SHIP IS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING SEA.



THIS TOWN IS FULL OF ASSHOLES

Most amazing jew boots

Christ, you are progressing quickly.

Also: ace name choice.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Chapter V: The Earth Crystal

Spoiler:

We left our heroes stranded on an island full of jerks, but they quickly found their way to the only notable terrain feature.



Evidently, Galuf isn't much brighter than Biceps is, as we're in a Black Chocobo Forest. It is probably a black chocobo.



We quickly beat its innards out, and found prizes!



Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Sidequest!:

Sidequest!


Ooh!

Spoiler:

Now that our bird can fly us over the mountains our wind dragon was unable to avoid, we can check out this tiny hamlet, cut off from the rest of the world.



The internet, ladies and gentlemen.



We learn some interesting things about Biceps' past, like the time he was locked on the roof for an entire week for misbehaving.



Meanwhile, Faris is kind of an insensitive jerk.



We learn about Biceps' father.



Who is Batman.



And we learn about the tragic fate of his mother, which could have been avoided if only the local store stocked Phoenix Downs.



Well, enough of that, let's see what we're supposed to do next.



Upon entering the desert, Galuf gives up after taking literally three steps.



Fortunately, Cid is on-hand with a genius suggestion!



We'll what?



This plan appears to have less to do with bridge construction and more to do with total party killing.



This is the worst fucking bridge I have ever heard of, and I've heard Sarah Palin's Treatise on Bridges.



Well, at least I have Rapid Fi-oh god damn it.



Sigh.



After some hardship, the desert was defeated! Thank god, just gotta head to that town a few steps awa-



Oh christ.



GOD DAMN IT.



I GET IT!



There's a puzzle in here, that starts with you pushing this switch and nothing happening.



You go on this little multi-step treasure hunt-



-the creator of which was undoubtedly a total jerk-



-only to find you just had to try pulling it instead. For real, if you say no to pushing it you immediately get the option to pull it.



Eventually all of this culminates in raising a lost city from the sands.



NOT AT THE MEET THAT'S FOR SURE LOL



"On my planet we grow the dankest nugz you've ever seen."



I say this to myself at least once a day.



After copious snacking, the crew decides to stop watching cartoons and continue their journey.



I didn't really have a good approach for this fight, on account of having basically no utility at all in terms of my job makeup. What I had to do was luck out and have only Faris hit with the Old status by the time I'd killed the launchers. She was basically just using Animals over and over in hopes of summoning Nightingale for heals, since my only other option for that is still Hi-Potions.

Once I was lucky enough for Biceps and Lenna to avoid the ravages of time, the fight was concluded without incident.


Yup.


This is where CHz started making fun of me because my party is already pretty absurd, and I didn't really need a bow capable of instantly killing enemies. But you know what? I wanted a bow capable of instantly killing enemies.



I proceeded to the Archeoaevis fight, again relying on Faris for multi-target healing, because the alternative of having to use 4 turns to heal everyone is really lame.



I was still using a Coral Sword on Lenna at this point, so I had to occasionally change elementals as the boss has shifting invulnerability as CHz mentioned. Nonetheless, things were going pretty well.



It was around this point in time that things took a sharp turn for the worse.




An inescapable march toward doom began when multiple characters started becoming confused, and my healing animal friends decided to abandon me in my darkest hour of multiple status effects.



In order to avoid Archeoaevis' elemental immunity, I had the Mystic Knights use status effects on their weaponry, like silence. Which they then began using to annihilate my own party. Biceps is about to obliterate Lenna in this frame.



Take two: VICTORY!



And, just as everyone was expecting, our buddy King has plans of his own that do not involve saving the Earth Crystal.



Yo brah you see the size of these things? I can take care of anything.



I still think it was kind of dumb how catastrophic geographical damage was the result of the destruction of all the crystals except wind for some reason.



With his efforts here an utter failure, Galuf returns to his own world in order to fail at saving it as well. Tally-ho!



Time to ROLL THE DICE.

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

FELIPE NO

I've just gotten past a couple really busy weeks as well, so I'm picking up where I left off like everyone else.

Most amazing jew boots

Chapter VI: A Brave Suspiciously Similar World

Spoiler:

But first...



...we need to run the Grass Tortoise population into the ground and harvest their mighty shells. To the mortar and pestle!



Oh and I guess we need to kill some monsters, too.



Unlike poor CHz, I can mix up some stuff that lets me float, so Titan is a complete joke.



Purobolos is a little bit more difficult because I completely lack the ability to deal reliable multi-target damage.



Then I discovered that they are vulnerable to silence, which I can conveniently apply via Spellblade.



So, when they try to cast it, I can just keep on killing them.



HAHA NOPE.



Sure thing, gramps.



Old people, man. For real.



Remember that bow CHz made fun of me for getting? The one that sometimes applies an instant death effect?



Yeah, that one. Anyway.



Meanwhile, somehow my paper map is able to show me animated pulses of light directing me to my next destination.



Yeah, say goodbye to the chocobo you constantly abandon and never talk about. He probably means a lot to you, you asshole.



LATER, WORLD.



HELLO, WORLD.



Oh man, sure is nice that we get to have a little bit of time to ourselves like this! Just kick back with a nice campfire and-



CRASH! STOP THAT!



Oh hey this creature that just kidnapped my friends left me a gift! I should probably open it and stick my head inside as far as it will go, because this is an excellent plan.



Oh man, the Big Bridge?



Yeah, I suppose this bridge is pretty big.



Honestly, this sounds so god damn sinister without any context.



Now, I only know a little bit about optics but I'm pretty sure that's not what a giant mirror would actually do.



Oh Gilgamesh, you card you.



YES BIG BRIDGE TIME



OH MAN THIS MUSIC IS FUCKING AWESOME



I AM NEVER GOING TO LEAVE



EVER



Real talk, Gilgamesh's dialogue is all fantastic.



See!



We arrive in the village of Regole, and take a well-deserved nap. However...



Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.



Naturally.



Oh, a chance for character development!



Naturally..



The townspeople see fit to offer me an important piece of advice.



Which is, of course, immediately disregarded.



Just as immediately I can tell this fight is totally not going to happen.



UNTIL LATER, IMPERVIOUS DRAGON.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Chapter VII: Trading In For a Newer Model

Spoiler:

Our heroes took stock of the local fauna.



Typical Lenna.



I'm sure it's just a silly name; the moogle will be fine.



At Lenna's insistence, we intervene on the moogle's behalf.



Yeah, that's right. I one-shot another boss with that bow. How you like them apples?



In exchange for his rescue, the moogle shows us how to safely cross the desert! Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea after all.



You FUCK.



After managing to avoid the Sandcrawlers, which you cannot run from, we made it to the moogle's village, and Lenna channels everyone who's ever played an RPG. Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what they always tell us.



F YES. I forget if CHz explained how this thing works, but every time you choose attack it has a 50% chance to use !Dance instead, which is identical the the Dancer ability. This is noteworthy because !Dance uses 1 of 4 randomly-selected abilities. Most of these suck, but Sword Dance is selected 25% of the time and does quadruple damage. Since I'm sporting a Lamia's Tiara that I made sure to steal earlier in anticipation of this, Sword Dance has a 50% chance of being used if !Dance is chosen, instead. It's pretty boss.



Then the drake, too weak to go on, saves us at the cost of his own life. I'm not really sure why he couldn't have just waited a little bit; we were pretty comfortable in the moogles' village.



I KNOW YOU ASSHOLE. STOP IT.



We continue on our way to Quelb, the furriest town of them all.



These dudes wish me luck and safety.



This was when I happened to realize that the way they're programmed they walk a given direction for a given number of steps, and then change direction, going in a loop.



However, if something is in their way (like me) then it's possible to push them off the rails, as it were, and have them run loose.



I'm going to load up a save state later on and see if I can get them to actually leave the town.



Heading up into the mountains we come across a golem who's being attacked by some jerk undead dragons.



He thanks us for our help.



Then we awkwardly stare at each other for some time, a situation that will later be perfected with Gau in Final Fantasy 6.



These are the parts that test my suspension of disbelief. All the drakes must be extinct because of one god damn plant? They're drakes! Just fly away from it! What's it gonna do? It's a PLANT.



Later on I decided not to exploit boss weaknesses like this as badly, 'cause my party is pretty stupid. But irrespective of that an antilixir, which can be created using !Mix, will take an enemy down to single digit hit points, more or less.



Then they die from a stern look.



COME ON WHO REALLY BELIEVES THIS?



Naturally Lenna is poisoned again.



It sure is lucky that Krile happened to have some dragon grass antidote or whatever on-hand. Very convenient.



We launch a fleet to attack Exdeath's castle, and then while his attention is diverted we sneak in aboard this bomb-ass little sub. So cool.



Xezat heads into the basement, and we go up top to destroy the antenna!



Naturally, it won't be that easy. It may cost us our blood.



This fight is super funny with a mystic knight because spellblade-applied Sleep never misses, and Atomos is vulnerable to it, so he didn't really get to do much of anything in this fight.



You'll notice that Faris, who was the character killed at the beginning, hasn't been pulled closer to him at all. Owned.



Obligatory noble sacrifice.



Top-tier elemental spells are kind of hilarious on spellblade, because if you're attacking a non-heavy enemy that's weak to it, it doesn't actually do damage.



It just outright kills them.



Catlolblepas more like. Eh? Eh?



OR CAN WE? EH? EH?



This seems like an overreaction.



This fight that CHz hated (aka all of them) was so long ago I don't actually remember my exact tactics, but I think it was probably something like this: kill everything and laugh maniacally at how easy it is.



First time I played this I was actually like HOLY SHIT at this part.



Well isn't that convenient.



I am a terrible person.



Can't I just leave her as a freelancer?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Chapter VIII: We're Back! A Story of Old Things

Spoiler:

We take our new recruit exploring, and find a cave that gives us money just for walking around!



It doubles with every step! This is the greatest!



However, with every step there's also a chance of encountering Gil Turtle, who is absurdly powerful at this point in the game given my comparatively meager firepower. Yes, even my rapid-firing spellblade isn't really a whole lot compared to this guy at this point. What I ended up doing was having my Pharmacology-boosted (potions are twice as effective) chemist chuck hi-potions for 1000 damage over and over until he died.

Given the crap luck I had in encountering him so early, I figured I'd make a ton of bank getting to the back of the cave. NOPE. Next step, hit him again.



WORTH IT.



BACK TO BIDNISS. The mightiest warriors of the kingdom having fallen, it's up to use to save the day!



Oh. Well then.



Okay it's up to a badly beaten wolf man to save the day.



Not really the decor I would have sprung for, but who am I to judge the tastes of a powerful malevolent force?



THIEF CLASS PAYING OFF AGAIN. APPROXIMATELY TEN STEPS SAVED.



Carbuncle has two forms, one where he's really difficult to damage and casts a bunch of offensive magic, and one where he's pitifully weak and heals himself. If you just heal through his magic for a bit, he becomes weak to a bunch of stuff. Like the whole instantly dying to -aga elemental spellblade thing. So that happened.



LONE WOLF I HATE YOU.



Oh wait a minute, what







For real, Gilgamesh owns.



YEAH!



Well, uh. I mean. Obviously, you, uh. You're trying to. Well.



You win this round.



This fight was super easy, even without casters. Biceps hits like a truck, and with a Drain spellblade is basically unkillable. Characters with !Mix can double their HP first of all, and then mix up holy damage that's based on their HP. It's pretty stupid.



WE DID I-oh shit.



Well I guess that worked out after all! Yay us!



BICEPS LIKES MILHOUSE



I'm not sure why but this line made me laugh super hard. The mental image of this contrast between something incredibly bad ass like riding a motherfucking dragon, and screaming like a child, was so silly. I imagine the beaming face of the king, overflowing with pride as his daughter takes her first lesson in becoming the warrior daughter that would honour his family's royal legacy. Then I imagine the frustration and shame as she screams incoherently and runs around the castle, red-faced and wailing.



Oh please we all know you don't even care by this point.



Are you trying to convince us? Or are you trying to convince yourself?



What do you know, here we are in a cave about to be attacked by some weird insect or something.



This fight was so easy and over so fast I forgot to take a screenshot, so instead here's CHz fighting it.



We escape after being taunted by a rope, to discover that Faris has bailed on being a princess because it sucks.



Oh okay I will totally not. It's probably not important for the story anyway.



Two minutes later, the inevitable abandonment occurs once more.



Ghido busts my balls some more for saying dumb things, which is fair.



You said not to worry about it!



Apparently she meant she was impaled by a branch.



I am positive there was a better way to write Exdeath into this scene than the one that they chose.



Exdeath beats us up again and we check out the ancient library, where Ghido ridicules Biceps' intellect some more and then bestows upon us some homework.



We go to see if the library has filled out our favourite section yet.



AND FOR SOME REASON LENNA IS HERE STOP SPYING ON US WHAT THE HELL



GILGAMESH!



EVERYONE IS A THIEF AND A JERK.



Hm. Well, I mean I'm not not brave...



Well



Yeah, that was easy.



This is quite an upgrade due to my unstoppable cowardice.



Time to check out the ol' pyramid! For real. It's really old.



Hm.



Okay, so that transpired pretty much how I expected it to.



Another joke of a boss.



This is foreshadowing because his brother is also a total joke of a boss. If he finished his sentence, it would have ended with "also die instantly."



With that, the first tablet is ours!



FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF



That was a suspiciously-shaped peninsula, now that you mention it. And now it's sinking. That's odd.



FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF



Oh thank god for that.



YES



FARIS THAT IS A NORMAL WATER SHIP YOU ARE A PIRATE I EXPECT YOU TO KNOW THESE THINGS

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Chapter IX: A Murder of Side Quests

Spoiler:

It's been a long time so I kind of forget the details, but basically we find Lenna in the forest.



Then we have some Exorcist shit goin down.



Melusine has the standard "strong against everything except for one specific rotating weakness" gimmick that you're assuredly familiar with. She always starts weak to fire. So now she's dead.



Exdeath is kind of a dick, and decides to start showing off.



All the towns start being devoured, which is kind of a shitty state of affairs.



SHOTS FIRED



LOL



Headin' over to the sealed castle to see what I can cash out for.



...



NOPE.



Continuing optional stuff: headed back through Jachol Cave, through Bal Castle's basement, and beat Odin literally zero seconds before he kills my ass. Not that his summon is of any use to me whatsoever.



Magic Lamp is a thing that CHz talked about a lot, and depended on significantly for his damage output in certain situations. I just sort of want it.



All right, next up we goin' down town get us some WIND TABLET watap.



Like the others, it has these gargoyles guardian the entrance.



Like everything else, I can kill them instantly. This is pretty much how the boss fight with Wendigo went, also.



Ah yes, the North Mountain. Where the great dragon Bahamut said he'd wait for me.



And a run-in with my arch-nemesis, poison bush.



NOT THIS TIME, ASSHOLE



Bahamut has a ton of crazy-powerful magic that can kill my entire party instantly, so I want to just get that stuff out of the way right off the bat.




As it turns out, Bahamut cannot be silenced.



I managed to keep Biceps alive using a drain spellblade and some damage reduction. Everyone else was a total write-off, though. RIP team.



Wait a minute.




FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF




MORE SIDEQUESTS! PHOENIX TOWER TIME!



Okay so Phoenix Tower has a lot of floors, and each floor has two possible exits to the next floor up. One of these is guarded, and one isn't. If you don't know the pattern, you just have to guess. It's okay though 'cause everything is easy to kill.



As if my trek wasn't easy enough, the PartheNOPE attacks with Roulette which randomly kills a character. Thing is, enemies are also included in this. This was right before Cherie died due to terrible betrayal.



We made it to the top and got some more stuff that's not useful at all, due to our dragon friend entrusting its soul to the girl who once prepared to cut out its tongue.



Seriously.



Time for the standard split your party into multiple groups stage! As I think CHz mentioned but I'm too lazy to check and it was literally a year ago so I don't remember, the black tower is where you need to use magic, and the white tower demands physical attacks.



Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of magic, as spellblade still provokes counter-attacks (as does all manner of physical attack in the magic tower). On the upside, silence spellblade completely ruins everything.



Over on the other side, we run into this, the most fearsome warrior!



Oh noooooooooooooo



lol dead



As CHz has also mentioned, Omniscient demands that you attack with magic else he casts Return and completely resets the battle to its initial state. Given I lack the capacity for continued output of catastrophic magic, this is a problem for me.




Even using spellblade counts as a physical attack.



However, silence spellblade completely ruins this fight's one major mechanic.



Dead. For some reason, the Fork Tower disappears.



Oh sup what's this down here in the watery depths? Why, it's the sunken tower of Walse!



Inside is the so-called Famed Mimic Gogo. This fight is super easy to win; you just sit there and he'll eventually leave. However, that's boring and I have a stupidly overpowered party, so that's not what we're gonna do.



After buffing everyone with chemistry and getting ready, I unloaded. After every physical attack, he counters with a strong physical attack. After every spell cast on him, he counters with Holy, Flare, or Meteor. Basically, he doesn't fuck around.

After you do some damage to him he starts ranting, which is problematic because the fight's programming is bugged. After casting Meteor, he resets and goes through the rant again. And casts it again. And again.



I cannot believe I actually pulled this off. You essentially just have to buff yourself until near godhood and open up with everything you can to kill him before Meteorfest is triggered.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?