A Confusing Situation

I met this girl back in February in one of my classes, who was very attractive and would always come to me when she wanted help for things. Over time we got to talking and hanging out more, and I worked with her on a major project she was doing for that aforementioned class. I had started to have some feelings for her and never mentioned anything about it, when out of nowhere she introduces me to her fiance. I decided to keep quiet about my feelings, and we started to become closer and closer friends as time passed.

We took a class together in June, and everything was going pretty well until all of a sudden I noticed her becoming distant towards me. We had already planned to take two classes together in July and then two more together for the long semester in August, and I wasn't sure what was wrong. Eventually when the two classes started in July, she had switched out of one of them and then told me I was overbearing and she needed space and to leave the other one as well. She began to avoid me entirely, and could not even face me to talk to me in person. This caught me completely by surprise, because I had never done anything to be overbearing. I never went to her place unannounced, she called me more than I did her, and we never talked over e-mails or text messages at all.

Here's where I fucked up. Once this had all happened and in a panic, I let my feelings loose over an e-mail as a sorta desperation move to try and retain what was left, which was probably the worst mistake I could have made. Since then, we've been talking over e-mails and she was sending me mixed messages in regards to re-establishing a friendship. Some would forgive me, others would condemn me further. When Fall classes came however, the e-mails from her stopped completely and then I was told by an instructor that she approached about it that she no longer wanted any contact with me. She also told that instructor that I was a "friend" of hers and that she eventually wanted to fix things with me, but her actions don't really equate to that.

This entire situation has been punishing for me simply because I have an issue with abandonment in my life, as my parents and most of my friends and immediate family have abandoned me over my lifetime and I viewed this as something similar which caused me to panic. I know that I need to avoid contact with her and move on, but when you move on so much and you hit the reset button in your life so many times after so many abandonments you really get frustrated with everything. I really wanted to stay friends with her and only friends, because she had invited me to do things with her that I had never experienced before like hunting, camping, etc. Because I was abandoned at 5 years old by my parents, I never had a mother to shower me with compassion or a father to play sports or do the things a father and son would do. I think all of this plays into the equation somewhere, but I have no idea.

I have actually gone to receive counseling for the abandonment issues, but I don't know how to perceive much of anything anymore with situations and the like. Anyone have any comments or ideas as to how I should approach this?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Yeah, I know that was a pretty big mistake in saying that. I felt cornered at the time, and anyone who's cornered can make irrational decisions like that. I was never really looking for a relationship out of this, but more or less a friendship. We brought the best out of each other while we were friends, and everything seems so empty now that this has happened.

I guess it was my fault that I fell for her while she had a fiance in the first place, although I was never aware of the fiance until after it was too late. She was a blast to be around, and I really miss being able to hang out with her. Not much I can do if she's pissed at me.

All I can really do is give it time at this point, but that time is pretty excruciating to say the least. We have three classes together now and I see her at least once every class day.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I agree that she isn't entirely wrong in her assessment, because I had no right to continue to have feelings for her after I became aware that she had a fiance. I was never all over her and haven't sent her letters or anything of the sort. She initiated almost all of the contact between us up until recently, and when I was told that she no longer wanted contact I stopped. As I said, I don't send her anything or say anything to her or anything. I have moved on from trying to regain her friendship and moved on from the feelings, but at the same time it's still eating me alive inside that someone could misconstrue how I act as creepy or stalkerish. I mean, I hope to god I don't give that kind of aura off to everyone, but that might explain a great deal of the whole abandonment bit.

Oh and Sass, I never used my abandonment problems as leverage. I'm just trying to see whether or not that fits into the equation of how and why all this happened. Like for instance, because I never had a mother in my life I lacked any female influence, the kind where someone showers you with compassion and looks out for you. I'm wondering whether or not I had likened her friendship with me to that, because she was doing things like that with me.

But yes, I am leaving her completely alone. At the same time I just want to sort this out with myself and have everything in perspective so that if she ever does approach me again, that I won't make the same mistakes again.

How ya doing, buddy?

Writing is actually the only method I've had to cope with all this, and I've written so much that I could probably turn it into a novel. Wouldn't exactly be the most exciting novel in the world, but a novel nonetheless. But yeah, I've just become frustrated with having to continually hear "move on" and "forget about it" and "leave it alone" and "there are others out there" and "you'll find better" and all that. It's all I've ever heard really.

I'm really just not the type that can move on from girl to girl just like that, because once I become committed to whatever feelings I have they last until something big happens that can make me want to break that commitment. Just the kind of person I am really, I stay true to the feelings I have until they fade away.

I hope your situation works out for you, because the hell I've gone through the last three months trying to figure out what the hell happened with me and the whole situation is not something I would recommend anyone have to go through.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I'm not sure I would call it hormones, if only because I never really wanted to break her and her fiance apart at any time. I was fine with being friends with her and never taking that next step, to the point where even if they did break up and she still loved him I would do my best to intervene and try to bring them back together again. She may have been gorgeous, but sleeping with her was the last thing I wanted. I just enjoyed being around and being influenced by her, because she raised my spirits and helped me really find who I was and what I wanted to really do with the rest of my life.

She helped unlock a lot of potential I thought I never had, and I eventually came to respect her a whole hell of a lot because of it. If we could work together on school work and in organizations, talk from time to time, and hang out every now and then, that was all I really wanted out of the friendship. I may have developed feelings for her, but I never intended or wanted to break the relationship she currently had.

As much as I'd like to say I'll beat this, there are too many other extenuating circumstances that would tell me otherwise. She's in three classes, two of the organizations I'm in, has the same major and field of study (law) that I do, and I'm good friends with her family who actually have been pretty supportive of me wanting to become friends with her again. But I've come to terms with knowing that she has no place for me in her life, and I'm not going to force her to make a place for me. She was important to me because she accepted me really, something I rarely ever experience from other people for whatever reasons. I just didn't want things to end like this.

I'm glad you've worked your situation out and have moved away from it, and I wish I could do that. I guess I'll have to eventually, but that's how the abandonment cycle works for me. It's just a bomb with a timer set to begin when I let the next person in and begin to trust them, and once that timer blows up the cycle begins and shit hits the fan. It sucks, heh.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I'll admit that I'm not exactly the most social person or the most socially experienced, but that's also part of my childhood I wish never happened. I grew up with strict grandparents, and my grandmother basically considered anyone not Greek as trash and worthless. Therefore, I would end up having many people that could have been friends with me just call me strange and weird because of how my grandmother would always run them off. Eventually I started keeping to myself and not socialize at all out of fear that my grandmother would just end up running off the next friend I make.

That has followed me most of my life now and has kept me from making friends or approaching people as much as I'd like to. It went from the above to me simply not wanting to be abandoned again for whatever reason, and now that's stuck. I do have some anxiety about things, but I'm still far from what reasonable people would call a stalker. The only way to really learn how not to cross that line from friendly to creepy is by being social and gaining experience, but at the same time it's hard for me to gain that experience because of the above situations.

I mean, I realize the answer is "The fuck you doing son, get your ass out there and meet people. Don't stand and look around bitch, do something!" but that's far easier said than done because it takes friends to make friends, the connection has to inevitably start somewhere. I didn't really do much with my life other than sit around and play video games because of my physical disability and the like, so I don't have much I can relate to everyone else.

It's crazy how complicated all this is...

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I've had almost everyone make that misconception, because I wasn't looking for a relationship here. All I wanted was a friendship with her, and I made that totally and completely clear even when I told her I had fallen in love with her. I told her I had no intention to act on my feelings, and no intention to break her and her fiance up. I was just trying to be honest and not hide anything because I thought they may not have trusted me anymore, so I laid all my cards on the table and was completely honest.

So much for honesty being the best policy, eh?

Making friends is far more difficult to me than it would be others, because of my past. I talk to people all the time, but all most will ever do is finish the conversation and not try to learn more about me or give me a chance to let me learn about them. Relaxing and having fun when all you really want to do is be accepted is almost impossible, especially in a situation like I'm in.

I've been trying so hard to get away from always playing video games or sitting in front of this computer and to go out and have like a normal college life. I almost had that while I was friends with her, and I thought for sure I could finally get out and experience what I missed in living life through my shitty childhood... and was promptly struck down and thrown back to where I was before I started.

I have no idea how the whole creepiness thing works, I guess it might be because I'm too good of a person to everyone in that I try to understand people before rushing to judgment. I don't know really.

How ya doing, buddy?

It hasn't been easy at all, because every attempt I've made to really get out and be social has ended in failure, which is why I placed so much value on the friendship I had with this girl. She came to me and accepted me, which made me feel like things were finally changing for the better and that things would finally be alright for me. How wrong I was.

I think I know what I'm going to do now though, as much as other people probably will chide me for doing it. I'll just take the love I still have for her and turn it into motivational energy to improve and better myself physically, emotionally, and socially. The next time I approach her in the very distant future, I'm going to weigh a hundred pounds less with an army of friends behind me and complete emotional stability. She may become the purpose, but the reason will be me.

I mean, even if that fails, I'll still have all the benefits. To me, this sounds better than moving on and continuing to struggle.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?