Abusive Relationships

Originally Posted by soniclover

No, no protective gear. Sometimes I see her and she has bruises on her from their 'session'. Whenever I mention something about it, she just says something like "I got him back just as hard".

She is retarded. That is either a lie to cover up abuses, or they really do beat each other instead of talking. Either way, it's an unhealthy choice in a relationship. You shouldn't need to get violent in order to resolve your issues with a loved one.

Sassafrass, the whole mental abuse thing doesn't make much sense the way you put it. And you're right, if you consider the source as insignificant, then it's easy to walk away from insults/inconsideration. Problem is that one's boyfriend/girlfriend is someone whom you care about what they say. If their words have little effect when they are negative, then they have little effect when they are positive. Either way, it's a good reason to leave a person. To just 'ignore' it and pretend like everything is alright is what leads people to be in unhappy relationships.

And the point about the kids is crap. Those who stay together, in an unhappy or even abusive marriage, hurt their kids. You are better off with on parent than in a home which is full of such an atmosphere. Kids may not say anything, but they are affected by these things, and they notice a lot more than we think.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Soluzar

Dead? I must lead a really sheltered existance. I can't say that I realised people were ending up dead as a result of domestic violence... I know some people get pretty badly hurt as a result of it, but that's often when the "wake-up call" hits them, isn't it? Of course, I was speaking primarily of emotional abuse, which is the only kind I have any real experience of.

Sheltered indeed.

An awful lot of the time something relatively minor like screaming at each other can quickly turn into severe violence. Happens all the time.

The 'wake-up call' doesn't always hit. Some people will just continue to go back regardless of how often things get out of hand.

Devo, I'll give you the point about just tearing into a victim's self esteem etc. But it's quite another thing to tell someone that they deserve better, and that they are quite capable of taking care of themselves. They should sort their shit out or they are dumb. This *should* be encouraging, as you get across the sentiment that they deserve better, and putting up with the abuse is selling themselves short.

But, what would you suggest? Just a pat on the back and 'everything is going to be alright'? Tough love (sans abuse) can get a point across well. Touchy feely reassurance might as well be telling the victim to buck up and march back into the bad situation for another round.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Devo

I'd more than likely make sure they checked themselves in a battered women's shelter and had the women there talk to them. The best advice or knowledge they can acquire is from their peers and women who have been in the situation. They might not listen to me, but hopefully they'll listen to the woman who went through a similar situation. Sometimes we simply don't listen to advice (even if it's relevant or good) because we don't want to hear what someone (who has no idea what we're going through) has to say. However, it is much harder to ignore women who were in denial also and realized that they shouldn't stick around.

That's just the thing. How do you expect to 'make sure' they check in? All you can do is say things which you hope will convince them to go of their own volition. Most people just want a shoulder to cry on, but absolutely refuse to hear good advice when it comes their way. They desire sympathy, not help. In telling them things in a somewhat harsh way, you shatter their expectation of sympathy, and potentially get your point across. Their situation is beyond mere sympathy is what they *should* learn.

What's all this shit about physical abuse and emotional abuse being mutually exclusive? When a loved one hits you the marks may fade but the emotional effects of being hit by your boyfriend/girlfriend remain. It's not like when you get physically hit it doesn't also register with you emotionally.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I can't believe that your argument against mental abuse is that basic. Everytime a situation makes you *feel bad* due to something someone said or did in order to hurt you, that's mental abuse. That's all it is, nothing more, nothing less. You can't seriously be arguing that nothing anyone has ever said or done has hurt your feelings? This notion is so entirely alien that those who claim it are 'full of crap'?

I agree with you that you shouldn't just lamely feel bad for yourself, and that you should get over it. You may get over things quickly, or at least most of it quickly, but that doesn't mean that something didn't happen.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

The thing is though, Sassafrass is right and wrong. She is right about mental abuse just being an excuse/'victimization' used by those who are not strong willed enough to suck it up when they are hurt. She is wrong in trying to classify these things as anything but abuse. Just because it's relatively minor and you can learn from it/get over it if you want to doesn't mean it didn't happen.

The real problem is likely with those (many, many) people that forever want to think themselves a victim. Since they lack the willpower to deal with their issues, they then complain about the abuse. Those who have willpower/self determination will just deal with it and/or shrug it off.

It's really a shame how many lambs are out there, and worse yet are those that pander to their sad ways. Instead of getting people to take care of themselves, a lot of people would rather be 'supportive' regardless of how much that just enables a person to make poor choices (not make choices) in their lives. Makes the consoler feel better, but doesn't help the person with the issue.

How ya doing, buddy?

It's not like these people who have long been abused are oblivious to the situations of other non-abused people. Sure they haven't experienced such life first hand, but they see and hear things that I can only presume that they would see as a better way of life. They know damn well the difference (at least in theory) between an abusive relationship and a non-abusive one.

I do have sympathy for people in abusive relationships. I just don't think that sympathy alone does anything to help, and may even encourage them to remain in a bad situation.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?