Losing a Loved One

The first death I remember in my family is my cousins death. She was 17? I think. I was 8. Now I'm 17...wow... I remember coming home from school and one of my older sisters tells me that she died. She was in a car chrash. I didn't know her well, but we were starting to get to know each other. I don't know. I guess I just didn't have the thing that makes you cry for people at that age. I do cry about my tia(aunt) though.

I don't remember her, but I see pictures of her and I and it looks like we had a good time. I'm probably 2 in those pictures. My dad says the doctors killed her...I feel sad for him lots of times.

Then when I was 12 my sister had a premature baby which died the next day. I never saw her. I was really sad. Even though I didn't know the baby. I feel that I would've loved that baby so much. But I feel like crap right now because I don't remember her name. Some uncle I am. Tio Jorge.

When I turned 14, she got pregnant and this time the baby(premature) died in about an hour. I was so sad once more. And the thing that I wonder about when I think of her is, how would she be now?

More than my first niece because my other sister was pregnant at the same time and her baby lived. I think, "How would they be together?" playing together and everything. How would they have had an effect on each other. Just little questions like that...I even remember her name. Lisette. I even saw a picture of her. My sister showed me. She looked so small that she could fit in the palm of my hand... I'm going to cry soon.

Then, later that year, my uncle died. My dad's brother. He was in the war, a mine blew up and some things flew into his eye and he came to visit us. He came to one of my other sisters graduation(I have four sisters) and then one month later, he's in a hospital fighting some cancer that has spread all through his body and none of us knew.. I miss him. My Tio Rodo.

Can't believe it's been 3 years already. Wow. Time goes by quickly.

A month ago my grandma died, but I think she is someone that I won't cry for. My relationship with her was bad. She would make fun of me. Call me fat, call me other names, and get mad at me for being sick. She was a bad lady. So greedy. She thought everyone was trying to steal money from her. She told my dad he wasn't her son anymore because she thought he was taking money from her when he wasn't.

She had 300,000 dollars(which is even more Bolivianos) from when my uncle died, and...she never used any of it for any of the family. Just for herself. I'm kind of glad she is gone though. I guess my mom wanted me to cry when she told me she died. I remember my mom's words, "Jorge, Irma died." I just nodded my head. "Jorge, estás escuchando?" I say, "Yes. I heard. She died."

Even though I didn't really care for her, I find myself smiling at some "good" times I guess you could say. My grandma didn't speak english at all except for hello and goodbye. It was all spanish. But when she tried to say something in english it would sound funny. Like the word wallet, She would say, "WAh Wet? Que es eso?(what is that)" or, watch "WAHHCH? Que es eso?"

Talking about the deaths helps me get over them and also remembering though it hurts. I also like to write poetry and songs. Both with just music and with music and lyrics. That helps me.

Time does not help because if it did, I wouldn't cry each time I see a lady pregnant with a baby. When my sister couldn't have hers. But she did have one child. A boy.

I definately appreciate my life a lot more. And I do things that I didn't think that I would do. Like dying my hair, trying different things at school.(plays, singing solos in choir)

And Sian, I'm sorry for your loss.

Jam it back in, in the dark.