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Thread Tools |
 Member 19121 Level 28.96 Feb 2007 
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I just read the story.
First of all, I am appreciative of the injection of subtle humor into the last sentence of the opening paragraph. There is a balance to strike between writing something that is too over the top to keep a serious story going in the right direction, and being too dry that the joke comes across flat. I feel this was a good way to start the story out on the right foot. What I would have liked would've been a bit more of that type of humor shown in intervals to keep that sense of comedic flow going on. Comic relief is always welcome. (especially when exhibited following the presentation of conflict) I also like how you've incorporated real-world mythology into the story-telling to provide an anchor of believability to the story. References to old tribes of the world and such is nicely done. The conversational qualities between the characters is well done. I like how each character holds within expectations of normal everyday conversation. On the crits, the character name of 'Karibu' is a bit farfetched for an actual persons name, even in Africa. Also, much of your terminology might be a bit advanced/detailed for most, which makes it more difficult for a lot of people to grasp what is going on. This is no fault of your own, but speaking to many different kinds of people is very important in a novel. Some times brevity is an acceptable course in regards to jargon. However, you may not want to communicate this story in a condensed manner and if so, feel free to disregard this comment. It is just a thought.  In short: Pros: Your illustrative use of visual description is well suited to this story. (or any story for that matter) so well done there. The conversations, in my eyes, were quite believable. Cons: The blood and guts of the story didn't seem too 'grabbing' to me. It seems to be about a woman who wants to get in touch with her past. This seems a bit cliched to me. Also, I never got the sense that there was any real conflict in this story. Conflict will 7/10 make both story and characters more interesting. The reader has a need to learn the way the characters work emotionally and psychologically, and what better way to do that than to throw a bit of adversity at them to see how they will respond? Just a thought. Cool man. Jam it back in, in the dark.
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RainMan