GFF Literary Workshop: Week 8

A bit of a disclaimer; the 'Masque' isn't finished. I was having some difficulties with getting to the 'point' of the story but tried to set up a situation where the characters might behave 'realistically' up to this point.

I am planning on the finished version having about 4 to 5 chapters, and it is only up to 2 now. I have a few ideas for how to patch things up in regards to getting rid of loose ends but this particular writing was more for the exercise of it than the end result.

There is a lot of fleshing out to do but some general criticisms would be much appreciated for helping me refine what I have so far.


Thanks!

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Thank you Dark Nation. Both for reading the story and for providing some thoughts on how I might improve the piece.

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There were a few places where I think you tried to make the sentence sound more mature with overly complicated words, but maybe that's just a personal annoyance of mine.

Absolutely. I am not often subject to the conversation of middle aged archaelogists so I was trying to find grammar that would best fit their occupation, according to my sense of imagination! I wasn't trying to make the piece sound intellectual. I actually did a fair amount of editing to try to make the text more accessible but I agree that further whittling would probably prove beneficial.

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No real complaints, and the imagery you gave in Adrian's dream was definitely not devoid of color and enthrallment of the senses.

Thank you.

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I think you did go on a bit too much about the Mask, as it seemed to take up the entire focus of the banter / dialogue between Adrian and Eugene. Also, at the beginning you (several times) mention the mask as being an exquisite work of art, something of beuty but then seem to betray this for a more sinister feeling of dread "Ghastly" as it was described later on before the dream-sequence.

Right. I was trying to stay on task with the main subject, which is a bit difficult for me at times. I wasn't trying to give the illusion that THIS conversation was the only conversation that took place during the course of the night, but that it was the most immediate topic relatable to the story and therefore worthy of inclusion.
How much do you think might be enough in decription of the mask, that it doesn't start rambling?

In regards to the contrasting qualities of mask involving beauty and the grotesque... I tried to refer to the mask in different (and sometimes polarized) qualities for a plot idea that I am developing later.

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Dialogue felt a bit weak in comparison to the descriptions, of which you had no problem with, so that's all I can really suggest for improvement. Yeah, I'm not the greatest critic, hehe. Overall though, I enjoyed this and want to read more of it next time.

Yes. The dialogue is rather short! I've recently come to the realization that when I am reading, I enjoy reading the thoughts of the characters more than what they say and this might be an indirect reflection of that.
I will definitely try to improve that as I develop the means for more natural conversation style. (without getting long-winded of course)

Thank you for your feedback. This is enormously helpful.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Thanks very much for the comments guys. I'll continue to refine and see if I can't actually make a story out of this fluff.

Much appreciated!

How ya doing, buddy?