I hate people.

I've been becoming extremely misanthropic lately.

Originally Posted by Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

mis·an·thro·py
Pronunciation: mi-'san(t)-thr&-pE
Function: noun
: a hatred or distrust of mankind

Okay. I know I'm young - I'm rounding out my first year of college right now. I'll probably have so many more experiences with people and at least one has to prove me wrong. At least, that's the idealistic thing to say? I'm starting not to believe that at all.

It seems like everyone I know - family, friends, partners; they've all failed me. Which sucks. I don't expect perfection but I do think that every human being is entitled to certain things in a relationship. Honesty. Respect. At least attempts for understanding...? I feel like I've put so much into relationships with others that you'd even call me "self-sacrificial". But I feel like I get nothing in return.

Perhaps I've been looking in all the wrong places but I've been vehemetly stepped on, time and time again. Once again I realize that I haven't been here as long as most but you'd think that someone would've cut me some slack by now.

Yet, it's not only personal relationships; I've also been overwhelmed by looking at the "big picture". Fucking wars over some petty shit. Killing ourselves and our planet. Corruption lurking in every nook and cranny of society. I look around and it seems like no one cares about anything.

But I'm not trying to sound elitist. I realize that I am a person, the same as everyone else. The same type of fallible, selfish being that I've been growing to dispise so much lately. As you might imagine, this hasn't been good for my psyche.

So I wonder... at times, I think of myself as "enlightened," being able to see all things things. At others, I think I'm a whiny little pussy. Still, during other times, I suspect that the two might coincide. But most of the time I just feel like I'm really lost and that I really don't want to be a part of what I'm seeing anymore.

I'm hoping that you - the good people at GFF would give me your thoughts om my situation. Is it just a phase? Do any of you feel the same way? Is this something I'm just going to have to deal with until I keel over and croak?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Firstly, thanks to everyone who's replied so far.

Okay. For the record, it's not like I sit in a dark corner of my room, trembling an X-ACTO between my fingers, with CNN (my personal Linkin Park) booming in the background all the time. I go out, meet new people, do new things. I socialize, and do have "fun". Dare I say I'm even "popular" among my circle of acquaintances. I still find everything strangely unfulfilling.

I've been having to do some volunteerwork for one of my courses. You'd think (at least, I'd thought) that it'd make me feel better about myself, but it seems to depress me even more. "A bunch of poor kids who are three grades behind in reading level, and can't afford soap to wash their ears." I can spend a few hours with them a week, going over phonetics and donate cans of ravioli, but I get this overwhelming feeling that it's just that much more pointless and everything sucks.

As for the patching things up with friends/family/everyone else thing; I've honestly tried. I used to hold them up to standards, thinking things like "it's because they think it's best; they really care"; but I've gone through a lot of things that brought the reversal of that throught process. Reaching out to others does make you so vulnerable - I know this, and I've been shot down so many times. I think that everyone would agree when I say there's a point where you have to let go and give up, right?

...And that leads to my overgeneralization. I feel that it's the human thing to learn from my mistakes; therefore I'm supposed to be giving up hope. However, I haven't quite done that yet (which is something I feel is exceedingly naive). Still, it makes me think - if there's good in the world, why is it so hard to find? I don't think I'm turning a blind eye to it; at least, I hope I'm not. As I said, I believe I put 110% percent into relationships and I just want... I don't know, something in return.

I'd have to agree with the frame of mind thing... that I'm focusing too much on the bad. But I find it difficult to do otherwise when it seems like it's such an overwhelming presence in my life. Exactly how does one go about changing their whole outlook on everything, anyhow? I imagine that it'd be terribly difficult, especially after so many years of hardwiring certain thought processes.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Thanks, guys for the additional posts. I'd respond to them all but I'm sorta in a conundrum right now. I'm disoriented and very upset. I really don't know who or what to turn to.

Spoiler:

Even my fucking shrink has been cancelling on me lately.

Consistantly.

Seriously, what do I do? What did I do? I probably sound desperate right now, but that's because I really am.

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I guess it's a lot of both. "To err is human," I know this well. But to what extent? Lately I feel that being "human" is analogous with being a "ruthless selfish bastard". I let people step on me time and time again. I'm slow to confront them about things, and when I do, things rarely change. As you said, there are so many people who choose not to learn from their mistakes.

Given, I feel that there are a lot of mistakes people shouldn't make in the first place. That can't possibly not know how selfish their actions are. They know they're only looking out for themselves and they're going to hurt others. Yet they still persist. I find that disgusting.

Heh. Well, I've been diagnosed with depression as well as some anxiety issues. While I realize how seemingly ineffectual seeing a shrink is (I know what most of my problems are, and the guy with the diploma acknowledges that)... I guess I've been using him as "paid support"? Like a hooker for my emotional well-being. I don't trust most people for support, but I believed that the psychiatrist would be relatively on top of things because it's his job and he gets paid for it. Obviously I've been proven wrong as of late.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I wander back into the ANGST forum and I see this topic. I'd forgotten people had replied, heh. This is a bit unorganized because I'm not exactly thinking clearly right now but hey.

About the shrink: I wasn't paying for the sessions... directly, anyway. A certain amount of free visits are paid by through my health fee (something I'd have to pay regardless). Since my last post here I was able to see him and found out the deal with all the cancellations (apparently scheduling problems). I was a bit skeptical of that but I was so overwhelmingly glad to have my outlet back I didn't really care. That, and the fact that I'm probably ten times more forgiving than I should be.

But due to lack of housing I had to come back "home" over summer break. It SUCKS. I've been so depressed lately. I obviously haven't been able to see the on-campus shrink, and there's not anyone here who'll lend an ear. Actually, it's been quite the opposite.

So over the past few months, I've been doing my best to find "distractions"; hobbies and the like. I've played games, been exercising, reading, cleaning, all kinds of stuff. But regardless of what I'm doing there's a time that I just get overwhelmed and have to quit because I just feel so bad, as emo as that sounds. I push a lot but I just feel that sometimes I have to quit. Maybe that's a fault?

I'd love to be more selfish, but every time thoughts like that cross my mind I remind myself of the people who've disappointed me and are a big part of why I feel the way I do. It's quite similiar to the topic starter in this post. I know that constantly making gross sacrifices isn't exactly healthy, either. I guess that's something I have to work on.

And yeah, people in grade school always told me I'd grow up to be a "cat lady". Heheh. Anywho, thanks again for the responses.

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Originally Posted by vemp

Stop talking random anime phrases in real life. It will allow you to gain more friends.

Um... what?

Like I said before, I have plenty of relationships, with people I have things in common with and things like that. But it all seems so superficial and so unfulfiling. A lot of the times, I find myself thinking, "what's the point"?

I also feel that diving into any kind of deep relationship at this point would probably be a bad idea. Which is why it's something I've been avoiding. But at the same time I feel like taking this on my own is too much. While I have to find some kind of inner strength, I feel so weak because I don't have a support system. But I should rely on myself, right? Saying things like "I don't have anyone" seems like an excuse to me... this is a conundrum that I often think about.

And I realize that I'm not going to be everyone's number one, and I don't expect that. I expect common decency, and I expect the same respect I give people (especially those that I'm relatively close to) to be returned. I don't treat anyone like shit. I don't think it's fair that's happened to me so frequently.

Oh yeah, I patched things up with the shrink. He's got some kind of position at his office so he's busy a lot. That whole ordeal just happened at a really bad time for me, which might explain the overreaction.

In truth, I've been toying with the idea of some kind of spiritual convocation for a while. I grew up in an almost suppressive Southern Baptist environment, so I've been aversive to anything resembling religion for a long time. But lately I've been feeling like I need something. I'm looking into it.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?