GFF Literary Workshop: Week 7

Week 7: Closed

Welcome to the rotating literary workshop here at GFF. Each week will feature a new piece of member-written literature for you to critique and constructively criticize. Download and read the work at the bottom of this post, and offer your comments! The event will continue as long as there are submissions in the queue, so be sure to nominate and participate!

Comment Rules
There are no rules per se, but all comments are expected to be mature and within the bounds of common decency. The key is to be as helpful as possible to allow the author to improve their work.

Each work will be open for comments for one week, starting on Monday and ending on Sunday.

Submission Rules
The workshop is open to any and all GFF members; simply post in the thread and ask to be added to the queue. New participants are automatically placed at the top of the queue to allow them a week to prepare a submission.

Please send all submissions to orion_mk2@yahoo.com. Be sure to include your GFF username, preferably in the subject line. Submissions can be sent at any time, and will be held until your next turn in the queue.

Length
Submissions are limited to prose (stories) for the time being. They should be no less than 500 and no more than 5000 words long.

This is just a guideline; submissions slightly over the limit may be allowed. Sections of longer works are also permitted.

Format
Submit work in .doc, .txt, .rtf, or .pdf format.

Submissions don't have to be written especially for the workshop; feel free to submit anything you've got lying around already.

Queue:
RainMan
orion_mk3
Acro-nym
Ozma
Phone
The Wise Vivi
Ayos
Helloween
Dark Nation
Lycanthrope
Smelnick
Matt

People in bold have submitted work for their week. If you have not submitted anything by the time your week begins, you will be moved to the bottom of the queue and the next participant who has submitted will go.

This Week's Submission
Thursday's Laundromat by Matt
Prose, 500 words

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Ugh, so busy with the music contest I almost forgot to comment! Fear not, though :P

I really enjoyed your portrayal of the protagonist's feelings and especially their overactive imagination. The WWII segue may have been a little abrupt, but I smiled when I realized that it was just the character musing out of boredom. It was an effective tool at building a personality without coming out and saying "I'm a daydreamer."

Ditto the internal monologues that are more grounded in reality. They went over the top a few times (MOSTLY WHEN THEY WERE IN CAPS) but were also nice character building touches. I especially liked the "stealth" observations near the beginning.

As for quibbles, "laundromat" shouldn't be capitalized unless it's the proper name of a laundromat (and it probably wouldn't be; that's like having a chain of fast-food joints called "Restaurant"). I noticed at least one its/it's snafu ("Its right after WWII"), and wondered what a walnut tree would be doing in the middle of an apartment building. Also, for all the strength of the character development, it's ultimately a story with a very small conflict and payoff--he asks the girl out (but hey, maybe that's what you had in mind).

Good work; what's in store for the character next?

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