GFF Literary Workshop: Trial Week 1

Trial Week 1: closed
Welcome to the trial run of a rotating literary workshop here at GFF. Each week will feature a new piece of member-written literature for you to critique and constructively criticize. Download and read the work at the bottom of this post, and offer your comments!

Depending on the status of this trial run, this may become a permanent fixture of the Creators' Café.

Comment Rules
There are no rules per se, but all comments are expected to be mature and within the bounds of common decency. The key is to be as helpful as possible to allow the author to improve their work.

Each work will be open for comments for one week, starting on Monday and ending on Sunday.

Submission Rules
The workshop is open to any and all GFF members; simply post in the thread and ask to be added to the queue. New participants are automatically placed at the top of the queue to allow them a week to prepare a submission.

Please send all submissions to orion_mk2@yahoo.com. Be sure to include your GFF username, preferably in the subject line. Submissions can be sent at any time, and will be held until your next turn in the queue.

Length
From Week 2 onward, submissions are limited to prose only.
Prose: 500-5000 words
Poetry: 10-line minimum
Plays: 500-word minimum, 10 page maximum

These are just guidelines; submissions slightly over the limits may be allowed. Sections of longer works are also allowed.

Format
Submit work in .doc, .txt, .rtf, or .pdf format.

Queue:
Ozma
The Wise Vivi
Phone
Ayos
Helloween
Dark Nation
Lycanthrope
Pyromaniac
Matt
RainMan
orion_mk3
Acro-nym

People in bold have submitted work for their week. If you have not submitted anything by the time your week begins, you will be moved to the bottom of the queue and the next participant who has submitted will go.

This Week's Submission
Neverborn by Acro-nym
Prose, 800 words

Most amazing jew boots

Originally Posted by Acro-nym

Wow. It's a lot shorter than I remember. I distinctly remember being over the amount of words required. Huh.

Just a trial run, pal. These things are to be expected

Additional Spam:
Well, to kick things off, here's my analysis of Neverborn.

The story is very gripping at the outset, establishing a series of questions in the reader's mind--What's going on? How will the protagonist react? It's an effective hook, and made me want to read further. There are some nice character moments as well, little things (like buying groceries for customers) that establish the protagonist as a likable, decent fellow. This helps expand on the hook, by presenting readers with a character that has potential.

I would say that I'd like to see more of Howard, the protagonist, in the story. He's there throughout the action, yes, but aside from the touches I mentioned a moment ago readers don't really get into his head. What was he thinking/feeling when he had those awful events befall him? How did it compare to things before? In establishing this--perhaps with the addition of some dialogue, as the story is mostly narration--you'll uncover more details about the character and his motivation.

The plot device of "never being born" may strike some as being a little cliché, but as developed it has some potential--you seem to imply that the protagonist is in an alternate universe, for example. I'd suggest discarding the mysterious stranger in favor of something more compelling, or perhaps a spontaneous, unexplained granting of Howard's off-the-cuff wish. The ending, while suggestive, feels rushed: the character of Crath isn't well developed, and there's no real indication of why Howard feels that messing with lab chemicals can help him; perhaps that would be something to tie in with the beginning of his "condition?"

I'd suggest developing the protagonist first and foremost, followed by further development of the plot. Work hard to make Howard likable, and to move the plot towards an original spin on the "Wonderful Life" story, and there's potential.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

Great, it's started! So when/will the weeks be assigned? I know this is a trial run, so is it a trial merely for this week or will it continue to the next people?

The first two weeks were pre-assigned to Acro-nym and Ozma as a trial. If everything goes well with them, we'll continue uninterrupted down the queue. If there are problems or participation lags, I may have to tinker with things a bit, but hopefully that won't happen.

The best way to secure your spot (and the future of the event!) is to submit a work and comment on someone else's

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by RainMan

Check your email when you get a chance Orion. I had a chance to start something and send it your way.

Thanks, RainMan! Your queue status has been updated

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by INDIGO-2

Is it alright if I submit something this weekend, or is it like, something to be READ on the weekend?

If it needs to be done yesterday, then I'll try and make something out tonight (if you reply soon) or tomorrow night, because I got inspired on the way home tonight listening to Mix CDs =D

I say this weekend so that I'll have more time to focus on it.

You can submit at any time. Since Ozma has submitted for next week, and you're further down the queue, there's at least this week and next (possibly more) before you'd be going.

So work on it, harvest the inspiration, and no need to rush!

I was speaking idiomatically.

Fantastic! If we keep getting high-quality comments and additional submissions, there'll be no need to tweak anything and this project can plow right into normalcy.

The queue has been updated to reflect our increased participation!

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Ozma

Orion, I've sent you a new submission. Please post that one instead of the previous one; the previous one is too bad and stupid to be posted, at least for my consideration.

No problem

The second trial week will go up tomorrow morning, so if anyone has any comments, or if Acro-nym would like to add anything in response to the comments already made, now's the time!

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Helloween

I wasn't sure if i was supposed to send in a submission or not, so i did anyways.

Terrific; I got it. You're all set for your week when it comes along! If you need to give a history, like you said, that's just fine.

Anyone can submit at any time, and I'll hold onto the file until it's your turn.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?