Greed: Earth and Rebirth

I’ve been meaning to read this for awhile. It was kind of hard for me to get over the fact that you humanized god the way you did. But besides that, a few questions:

Why is he only fixated on the problems in America? I mean, he created the world and mankind, why only rid America of Greed (I noticed you capitalized ‘Greed.’ Are you suggesting Greed is a person?)?

In chapter 3 someone says their available bullets won’t work then at the end of the end of the chapter, they’re suddenly equipped with bullets that do. Anticlimactic?

There are more questions, but they all stem from the conflict between my current knowledge and the humanization of these immortal beings. I noticed that you tend to reiterate the subject (like in chapter 2: “The creature saw the ship…” “The creature then felt hungry…” “The creature then looked for…” etc.). You only have to state the subject once and then you can refer to it with some other pro-noun. Or you could even substitute the word ‘creature’ with another adjective like ‘beast’ or something.

I also noticed that there’s not a lot of description. This might be a personal bias but you should try describing a scene more. For example, you say that a scene takes place in heaven yet you don’t describe what ‘heaven’ actually is. I’m thinking of a cliché blue sky and clouds but you might be thinking about something completely different. Heaven is probably a floating military base in the sky for all I know.

Oh, before Demonicon gained his identity, he was supposed to kill significant icons of the time period (i.e. that John Peuder guy) then in chapter 4 he’s just stalking god and his army. Did his objective change because he realized who he was? Because you didn’t mention that so I’m only assuming. In addition to that, why would he kill the Peuder guy? Aside from the fact that he’s important, you didn’t state that he was greedy so what would killing him prove other than important people are capable of dying as well?

Lastly, threw is not the same thing as through.

Anyways, I hope that was the type of feedback you were looking for.

Off topic but…:

Originally Posted by Your myspace profile

“I am a good debater when a topic of interest comes up and am a funny person once you get past my "i am going to kill you" outlook and appearance. I am a friendly person and have never had a relationship out of either my own insolence or lack of decisive acting.”

I like how you said that and how in the last chapter you describe the gore in the dream in graphic detail. It’s just an amusing contrast to me.

Jam it back in, in the dark.