Match-Making

Gechmir, I love you. Not literally, though. Damn good shit.

Reminds me of the ways I've gotten out of some dates as well, and this is Disney Channel laugh track worthy, if I do say so myself.

My best chum is an asshole with lots of big curly hair, ands he knows everyone. So of course he's got to taunt me with knowledge that some girl likes me (me being clueless, I look her up on the facebookz, which is like a godsend for clueless people like me). Son of a bitch, it's that girl that got pregnant off of the same guy, then broke up and came back like four times (no joke).

So of course I get the Froot Loops. Just my luck. Of course my asshole friend hooks me up with everybody at some point, for which I should be thankful about.

And of course she's at another friend's house, and of course she's like half friggin on top of me. So, yes, I use the awesome voices, too. For those who know the Games for Windows podcast, you'll know the alterego Ralphie. Luckily this chick didn't know me too well, or else I wouldn't have been able to pull this off.

"Hey, do you like to role play?"

Best moment of my entire fucking life.

She looks at me for a moment.

"Sometimes," I continue, picking up a few asperger traits as well as I go along, "I'll roleplay the Da Vinci Code in my basement with my friends. Except that many ladies don't want to play with me, and so I have to dress up like one."

Sips her drink, looks at her friends. I know for a fact that she will be haunted by this every night forever.

"You know," I say, "in the winter when I get really pale and my skin gets white like Gandalf's robe, I will play the albino in that book and it's fun."

I probably would have went on about the spiked belt for a while if she hadn't up and left, leaving her drink behind. My curly haired friend looks over and nods. I was then officially an asshole.

My second story was actually stealing directly from the GFW podcast, but it was funnier for that. Another night, another girl, another unwanted relationship that threatened to erupt right before my very eyes. So I sat down, stood up, dusted the seat off, and sat down again.

"My grandma lets my go to these parties a lot," I said in a nasal tone. "They're good for my imagination."

"How so?" asks the girl her face a blender of emotions that's fairly Poloroid worthy.

"Well, all these people, you know, I get to interact with them and talk," I said. "It's like when I play the Lord of the Rings games, you know."

"..."

"Is it true that if you read those books you'll wake up with a devil on your chest?"

"...I don't...know..."

"You know, my grandma has a good imagination, too. She has a bumper sticker on her car tha says, 'If in case of the Rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned.' And she likes to swerve back and forth on the road to make people think it's the Rapture."

"Bathroom break."

Took you long enough.

How ya doing, buddy?