Please teach me how to cook asian food!

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1 - what kind of rice should I buy at the asian market?

I'm pretty partial to jasmine rice. It's a long grain, easy to cook, fragrant and taste great. If you've ever been to a high scale Chinese resturant (not Panda Express), then that's the rice they always serve.

If you end up fucking up your rice in the cooker, here are fix-it tips. If it's too soggy, lid your rice cooker and let it go for another 5 - 10 minutes, depending on the damage. If it's too dry, add enough water to get it moist, not wet, and cover and cook. It won't ever taste as good as perfect first time rice but it'll be pretty damn close.

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2 - what are the different kinds of asian rice and flour noodles? Ho fun is the wide rice noodle, shanghai/udon noodles are the thick flour ones? What else is there?

I'm no noodle expert but I don't think Shanghai noodles and udon noodles are the same thing. Shanghai noodles are the yellow ones that are more starchy with eggs and flour and udon are Japanese noodles that are sort of lighter in texture and flavouring (made out of what, I have no clue. Ask a Japanese person). Either way, I'm assuming neither as anything to do with each other in their respective cuisines.

Basically in Chinese cooking, noodles are measured by their width more than anything else. So you have your "skinny" noodles and "wide" noodles. Most of the noodles are the generic flour type with or without eggs in the batter but there are differences, like "ee mein" which is a egg skinny noodle that is fried. You boil it to soften it up and then stir-fry it with your choice of whatever (my mom typically puts mushrooms).

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4 - How do I make that oily chilly stuff that the guys at the restaurant use when I order my beef ho fun stir fry extra spicy?

Dried chilis and soak it in chili oil? Ask the "guys at the resturants"

Fried Rice

Your choice of Meat, ground or cut up into small bite sized pieces. Pre-cooked
Your choice of Vegetable (Peas, carrots, lettuce, etc.)
Long Grained Rice
Green Onions
Egg
Salt

If you want to make fried rice, using day old rice will yield a better product. Cook some rice, then leave it in the fridge overnight and cook with it the next day. Use a long grain rice like jasimine, short grain will chump and stick together. Fried rice is freakishly simple. Just add oil to the pan and add a beaten egg first. Scramble it into little pieces then add the meats and vegetables, whatever your flavoring, it's your fried rice so I'd assume anything is fair game although I like Cantonese pork and lettuce. Make sure the meats are pre-cooked ahead of time, the longer the egg stays in the pan, the tougher it will become. After everything is heated through, add your rice. Stir to heat, then add salt to taste and green onions to finish. If you want chow mein, then do the same thing except boil the noodles ahead of time, use mushrooms and long strips of meat rather than bited sized and don't add green onions are the end.

Meat in Brown Sauce

Cornstarch
Your Choice of Ground meat
Oyster Sauce
Sriracha Sauce
Baked Tofu
Soy Sauce

This is a Taiwanese dish that my mom modified into her own. You can mix it with noodles too, that's the more typical way of eating it. Anyways start with a ground meat of your choice, I like ground turkey because it's lighter. Mix in well one or two tablespoons of cornstarch and a splash or two of soy sauce, depending on how much meat you have. If you have a fattier meat, you won't require too much cornstach, all it does is make it more tender so I use it with my lean ground turky so it isn't as dry. Stir fry the meat in a big pan, then add the baked tofu, cut into bite sized pieces. Cook until the baked tofu is heated through, then add oyster sauce and Sriracha Sauce. I usually go about once or twice around the pan, the oyster sauce is salty and the Sriracha Sauce is spicy so add according to your taste. Mix the sauce in well, then add enough water to barely cover the bottom of the pan, this will be your sauce so add as much water as you want sauce. When the water is boiling with the meat mixture inside, add cornstarch slurry with 2-3 tablespoons of cornstarch in it (add cornstarch in with a bit of room temp water in a seperate bowl beforehand, dissolving the cornstarch well into the water with a fork to create a sort of cornstarch water, to cornstarch slurry as it's called. If you add the cornstarch powder straight into the hot pan, it will clump so don't do that). Stir until the sauce coagulates, then serve over rice or mixed with noodles.

Stir-fried Egg with Tomatos

Tomatos
Egg
Scallions
Rice

Easy. Add cut bited sized tomatos in a pan, cook to heat. Beat an egg and cut up scallions together in a seperate bowl. Add to the pan and cook until slightly firm. Don't over cook the egg, the point of this dish is a soft scramble with tomatos and scallions in it. Eat over rice

I have more but to make a stereotypical sweet and sour pork or beef and broccoli, you're on your own. Hate to burst the ethnic bubble but Chinese people rarely, if ever, cook that shit.

Jam it back in, in the dark.