[DnD] Welcome to the Dungeon of Doom!

Spoiler:

The mechanic is fairly simple: just tell me what you want to do and I'll tell you what happens when you do it. Matters get a little more complicated in the event of combat but we'll get to that when we get to it. Some of you will be able to post more often than others, so please keep in mind that it's unadvisable to get separated from the group. On the other side of the coin, do try to post at least once a day so the rest of the party doesn't knock your useless ass out and take your rations.

Things have always been quiet in the border town of Hog's End... maybe too quiet. In 15 years there hasn't been a crime more serious than burglary, and the duke doesn't even employ anyone to keep the peace. So far as anyone can tell, troublemaking sorts just find it more to their liking to move along someplace else. If a few drunkards and perverts disappear from their rooms in the middle of the night, who's to question it? A man's got a right to go where he pleases.

Of course, sometimes a fella does need a little encouragement to get along...


You wake up in a clammy cell, the faint taste of metal on your tongue. There's precious little light — a single torch is ensconced high on the wall to your left, well out of reach. On the other end of the room, scattered bones lie before a door. Behind you, a spiral staircase winds upward into blackness.




Motsognir the Subgenius
Gabriel Sledgehammer
Argumentus of Hamfist
Fescue Totengeld
Scary Bob

Jam it back in, in the dark.

As you stumble into the bones, a cloud of dust blooms upward and the broken fragments swiftly align themselves into an ominous shape. The dusty skeleton lurches upward and its rusty blade cleaves through the air only centimeters from your startled face.

Technical Mumbo Jumbo:

Combat results: Skeleton gains surprise attack. Attack roll of 13 against Bob's AC 14; miss.

Initiative order for round 2: Bob, Gabriel, Skeleton. Rest of party assumed still unconscious.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

mumbo jumbo:

Bob provokes an attack of opportunity with his tactics-free flight from danger, but the skeleton again misses.

Priority passes to Gabriel.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

The skeleton visibly flinches at the sight of your holy symbol, then charges toward you as if enraged. Swinging wildly, its rusty blade caroms off your shield and flies into a wall.

TECHNICAL STUFF:

Skeleton rolls a critical miss.

Initiative for round 3: Argumentus, Bob, Skeleton, Gabriel

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

The Ray of Frost blasts instantly through the skeleton. Little icicles form all over it, and the weight pulls it down to the floor where it collapses once again into a harmless pile of dust and rust. Motsognir, still groggy, hacks away at the bones like a man possessed, cracking open the ribcage and revealing a cache of... spoons.

white noise:

Bob deals 5 cold damage vs Skeleton's 1 HP. Skeleton defeated! Party gains 25 XP (divided by 5; 5 XP apiece).

Combat concludes, feel free to bumble about under your own initiatives until you step on something else.

I was speaking idiomatically.

You march up the stairs for what seems like forever, but it is probably only about 5 minutes. At the top of the winding route you encounter not freedom but a massive stone slab, sunlight peeking through the edges. A small placard dangles from a rope wedged in the gap.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

The placard reads, in Common:

"Ye are sentenced to remain below for the rest of your natural life, for the immoral and unnatural crimes of

Theft
Cross-Dressing
Insulting the Duke
Destroying the Duke's Valuable Livestock
Attempting to Initiate an Illegal Duel

May Pelor protect you until you starve to death and rot."

Something else is scribbled beneath this, in a language none of you recognize.

FELIPE NO

Placard is salty with an underlying hint of maple.

How ya doing, buddy?

Gabriel finds no sign of a trap on the door. It's slightly ajar, and he detects the faint smell of mold from the other side.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Argumentus' mighty fist slams into the flimsy door, and it flies off its hinges, hurtling forward into the room beyond.

yapyap:

Argumentus rolls 22 (18+4) against a door break difficulty of 16. This door is no more. It has ceased to be.

With the door gone, the stench of rot and mold grows stronger, and part of the room ahead is visible before you: seemingly a mess hall. Tables lie stacked with fungus-clustered plates, and a single unfortunate diner remains, his dessicated body sprawled in a dark stain a few strides from the cistern. Another door lies along the left wall.



There's nowhere I can't reach.

As Argumentus meanders about the mess hall, nothing seems to immediately endanger him. Another door is spotted on the opposite end of the room, and some barrels on the far wall.

Flies are swarming around both the corpse and the cistern.



How ya doing, buddy?

As Soggy gingerly approaches the fly-infested cistern, he notices little bubbles of gas breaking the surface of the water, regularly disturbing the flies. Moments after each bubble, greyish-brown flecks of something rise to the surface as well.



I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Though the lettering on the barrels has been eroded by many years of abandonment and the skittering feet of vermin, Gabriel can easily make out the neat Dwarven script. 4 kegs of aged Rukhas Goraz — orcish ale!



I was speaking idiomatically.

Even after a thorough once-over by Fescue, the dining hall seems not to contain any hidden terrors. The northern door seems off somehow, though— it hangs low on its hinges, as if weighed down.

Gabriel puts his ear to the southern door, a variety of unlikely sounds is evident: a high-pitched and argumentative conversation in some unknown tongue, a chittering like that of an insect, and... the smashing of crockery.



How ya doing, buddy?

An examination of the body reveals a fairly obvious cause of death; a crossbow bolt through the back of the head protrudes from the human's left eyesocket. Argumentus rifles merrily through the cadaver's vestments but finds nothing work taking save a sling and a half-dozen stones. Leather coinpurse strings are tied to a belt but the purse itself is missing.

Argumentus makes a valiant attempt to bodily drag Scary Bob out of the cell, but the elf is just a little dexterous to be caught by Argumentus' loving embrace.

As Gabriel puts his ear to the northern door he hears only the squealing of rats.



FELIPE NO

The crockery-smashing ruckus from the southern room continues (albeit at a slower pace) drowning out any sounds of conversation which would otherwise be overheard by the occupants.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Argumentus delivers a two-fisted blow to the rotting door and again it flies free of its moorings. It hurtles into the next room, and the sudden silence is broken by a yelp of pain — which quickly evolves into a chorus of belligerent shouts. Three small greenish individuals (one somewhat bulkier than the others) are clustered around a stewpot in a room ankle-deep in broken dishes and burst floursacks; a pair of massive beetles are heating the pot with their fiery emissions.

All 5 turn toward the doorway. It's combat time.

blah de blah:

Argumentus rolls a natural 20 against the 16-durability door, killing not only said door but also all its hopes and dreams, and dealing 2 damage to the goblin directly in front of it.

Because you've burst in on them in the middle of supper, you gain a surprise round; initiative order is as follows: Argumentus, Bob, Gabriel, Fescue, Motsognir.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Scary Bob fires an arrow through the doorway. It flies true, and the young goblin must live the rest of his short and brutal life with an unfortunate new navel piercing.

Bob then resumes his default behavior of cowering behind a table.

KOMBAT TIME:

Shin gave his go-ahead to have his character run in his absence for the day. Successful ranged attack for 6 damage, and successful Nature check to identify the enemies as goblins. Priority passes to Gabriel.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Argumentus takes strategic position, while the dwarves sprint toward the fracas as quickly as they can. Fescue takes cover for a sneak attack, and the bolt thuds deeply into goblin flesh, and the foe visible through the doorway is bloodied.

(new round)

The goblin camp begins its counterattack.

The burly, black-clad goblin rushes out to confront Argumentus, and his shortsword rings harmlessly off the fighter's armor.

The bloodied goblin fires back at Scary Bob, and his weak and shaking arms propel a across the room — and well over Bob's head. The javelin clatters harmlessly to the floor against the north door. The luckless goblin then backpedals, to cower behind the stewpot.

The third goblin, also holding a javelin, steps forward to take the firing position. He takes careful aim and his javelin rips into Fescue's shoulder, producing a serious wound.

The beetles as yet seem in no hurry to help.



Gabriel and Motsognir move south at their maximum speed (As Dwarves, remember, their speed is only 5). Fescue scores a sneak-attack on Goblin A for 11 damage and bloodies him (I'll be red-tinting bloodied PCs/enemies for quick reference). Goblin leader swings and misses Argumentus, Goblin A misses a ranged attack on Bob, and Goblin B scores a critical hit on Fescue for 8 damage, reducing him to 18 health.

Sorry this took so long, Photoshop decided to fuck with me.

Initiative order for the remainder of the round: Fescue, Gabriel, Motsognir, Bob & Argumentus [tied], Beetles

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

The shuriken goes wild, ricocheting off the far wall and embedding itself into an ale keg. The refreshing, mountain-brewed beverage begins to trickle out onto the floor.

How ya doing, buddy?

Gabriel flanks the goblin, and his hammer smashes brutally into its face, shattering the jaw and leaving the monster bloodied.

14 damage, zing. knk gave the go-ahead to autoplay him, so:


As Motsognir passes the wounded Fescue, he is startled by the human's grievous wound. A few words of encouragement make the thief feel ready to fight again.

Fescue spends a healing surge, and in combination with Soggy's Inspiring Word, returns to his full HP

Not wanting to endanger himself unduly, the warlord takes a few paces forward and hurls a throwing hammer at the beefy goblin — and misses completely.

How ya doing, buddy?

Argumentus slams his mighty fists into the vile goblin's chest, pulping its internal organs. The goblin seems briefly astonished, and then his eyes roll back and he crumples to the floor, dead.

Shin's stated his intention to have Bob cower uselessly, so:

The westmost fire beetle scuttles into the doorway and emits a fire spray. Argumentus and Gabriel are both engulfed in the blast of flames. The other beetle clambers atop the recently-dead goblin leader and takes a bite out of Argumentus.

Argumentus kills the goblin leader with an 11-damage hit, precisely enough to drop it. Fire Beetle A scores a critical hit with its fire spray, dealing 18 damage to both Argumentus and Gabriel. Fire Beetle B scores an additional 7 damage on Argumentus with its bite.

Both characters are badly bloodied. Argumentus HP 8, Gabriel HP 12

New round, initiative order: south goblin, Fescue, Bob, Gabriel, south beetle, north goblin, Motsognir, Argumentus, north beetle

The bloodied goblin flees into a distant corner, trying to make itself look as small as possible.



What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

This shuriken strikes true, slashing through a sac on the beetle's underside and spilling an oily fluid onto the ground.

Critical hit! 14 damage. The beetle is slowed and Fescue gains combat advantage against it.

Scary Bob peeks out from under the table long enough to see the enemy streaming toward his position, and quickly throws a Cloud of Daggers into the other side of the doorway. The second beetle gets some minor scrapes. 7 damage



FELIPE NO

Gabriel's desperate swing leaves a cracks open fissures along the beetle's chitinous shell , and its spindly legs splay in all directions as the hammer drives it to the floor. It's not long for the world.

13 damage, beetle is badly bloodied. Gabriel gains 7 HP and 2 temporary HP from the combination of his Second Wind and the Bolstering Strike: 21 HP

The southern beetle is struck again by the Cloud of Daggers. It backpedals away rather than continue to live in a world of knives. The northern goblin, also stymied by the cloud, can do little but fling a javelin in Bob's direction once again — and miss.

Southern beetle suffers another 3 damage from daggers.

Seeing the opportunity to finish off a crippled foe with minimum risk, Motsognir charges forth with a shout, inspiring Argumentus. He swings his axe at the twitching beetle... and misses completely. How embarrassing.

9 health is restored to Argumentus: 17 HP. Attempted Viper's Strike against beetle fails.



What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

The fighter's vicious blows were too much for the already-limping beetle, and it collapses at last with a plaintive fffftz.



2 down, 3 to go. New round!
Initiative: Fescue, north goblin, Motsognir, Argumentus, beetle, south goblin, Scary Bob, Gabriel

Jam it back in, in the dark.