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I can't bring myself to make fun of the man for having an infalted sense of patriotism
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Frank has the right idea. This man is only trying to protect us from the commies in the school systems, infiltrating our precious bodily fluids.
This whole thing is so impossibly banal. "Crazy old man is senile, acts cantankerously and does stupid shit". WELL FUCK, THIS IS PRIME-TIME MATERIAL
He's a crazy old man. Crazy old men go to the nursing home. Then we can all root through his house for whatever other things he's stolen
to protect the nation!
Jam it back in, in the dark.