[DnD] Welcome to the Dungeon of Doom!

Gabriel easily recovers the light hammer, finding it roughly where he'd left it: submerged in a puddle of noxious goo. It's a little slimy, but more than serviceable for ordinary wetwork.

As he returns to the storage room, the wizard sends a mage hand down the corridor, hoping to reveal a security oversight. The spectral hand tugs mightily on the iron door, and it abruptly flies open, revealing a wizened and astonished dwarf crouched behind. He snarls and attempts to pull the door shut again, but the mage hand holds its own.

The old dwarf sighs heavily. "Undone by a simple mage-trick. I'll never live this one down."

He backpedals, taking cover behind a low table, and opens fire on Argumentus.

He misses. The sound of light applause is faintly audible, and the crossbowman shoots a glare to his left.

Violence Fight

Initiative: Fescue, Bob, Argumentus, Motsognir, Gabriel



I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

"Och, no. We'll finish this, and now. You've stolen my peace and quiet, you've stolen my sense of security, and now — worst of all — you've stolen my pride. You have done much to earn the wrath of Hieronymus Gustafsson, and I assure you, word as bond: Hieronymus never forgives."

I was speaking idiomatically.

Both missiles sink into the leathery bastard's chainmail, but he barely seems to notice. His attention is focused entirely on the headlong charge of Argumentus, who sprints halfway down the hall before losing his footing on a loose stone. Momentum carries him forward, and he ends in a sprawl before the table — discovering, in the process, the source of the earlier applause.

4 and 6 damage, respectively. Argumentus is prone.



What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

The hammer smashes into the old man's forehead, blood trickling down his face. Oh, the shame.

6 damage, bloodied

As Argumentus looks about the chamber, he sees a multitude of strange faces looking down on him, many of them bemused. A middle-aged human man leans against the side of an open cage, chuckling. A cowled and weatherbeaten halfling girl grips two chains with difficulty, a gray wolf and a flightless drake straining forward hungrily at each end. An emaciated elf, laughing uncontrollably, shakily draws a wicked longsword from his belt.

"You're the funniest thing I've seen in a dog's age, big man" says the human. "But I suppose even the good times can't last forever. Nyra, show these fellows why it's rude to go around bothering strangers."

He gestures, and the halfling releases her grip on the chains.


Argumentus, Gabriel, Halfling, Human, Dwarf, Wolf, Bob, Elf, Fescue, Motsognir, Drake




How ya doing, buddy?

A once-majestic throne dominates this room, through the jewels are missing and the cushions have long rotted away. The room is dotted with small worktables and bedrolls of various sizes. A rusty cage lies open on the east wall, next to a door of solid stone. A huge cabinet sits on the south wall, its doors sealed with a flimsy padlock designed less for security than for empty peace-of-mind.

Also, it's full of hostiles

Rising from the floor, Argumentus drops the paladin's shield and lands an uppercut on the halfling as he stands. The pitter-patter of little teeth on the floor is soothing.

Critical Hit! 8 damage

Charging down the hall, Gabriel shoves the small table toward the enemy dwarf with all his might. Pressed between two burly dwarves, the ancient and decaying furniture simply collapses, leaving Hieronymus with just one more thing he's failed to protect. Shrugging, Gabriel spits on the offending ex-table and recovers his abandoned shield from the floor.

Nyra stares with dismay at the sight of her newly-freed pearly whites. "You'z no fum anymoah" she mumbles, driving a dagger into Argumentus' left shoulder and backing toward her lupine companion.

4 damage

Recovering from his initial mirth, the smirking human pulls a knife from his belt and flings it toward Gabriel. The paladin's neck begins to bleed as the dagger lodges itself in the masonry.

5 damage

Grunting with disgust, Hieronymus drops the crossbow to the floor. "I knew this piece of frippery weren't worth the time", he says, pulling a warhammer from atop the throne behind him and swinging at the menacing Gabriel. He misses, and backpedals away to the sound of additional jeers from the giggling elf.

Nyra's wolf lunges toward the fighter, but barely wounds him despite his preoccupation with trying to remove the foreign object from his shoulder.

3 damage.


Gabriel: 27 HP, Argumentus: 26 HP



What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Unable to draw a bead on the enemy from where he's standing, Scary Bob moves down the hallway far enough to fire into the room without entering the melee. The old dwarf receives yet another arrow in the chest, and begins weeping openly.

7 damage

Finally suppressing his giggles, the enemy elf stalks past Hieronymus to slash at Gabriel — only to cut nothing but a few millimeters of beard. Somehow his own failings aren't as funny.



Jam it back in, in the dark.

Fescue's shot goes wild, bouncing harmlessly off the ancient throne. it's hard to aim when you're running.

The drake trundles over to Argumentus, and before the big man can even react the reptile's jaws rip a massive chunk out of his calf.

14 damage

New round, initiative: Halfling, Wolf, Dwarf, Elf, Bob, Fescue, Drake, Human, Gabriel, Motsognir, Argumentus

Kyra flips an off-target dagger in Argumentus' direction, and circles behind a table. She's not looking to lose any more teeth.

Hieronymus, obviously on his last legs, considers for a moment the opportunity to die with dignity.Then he flees for the far corner at top speed.

The wolf tries again to take a bite out of Argumentus, but once again gets a mouthful of empty air.

The elven barber-by-circumstance takes another swing at Gabriel with his longsword, slicing a thick strip from the paladin's arm.

12 damage

Argumentus HP: 12, Gabriel HP: 15; both are bloodied



Most amazing jew boots

Circling behind the drake, Fescue waits for a moment of opportunity and drives his blade deeply into the lizard's back. Bones snap, blood begins to fountain out, and the drake begins to cough up fluids both colorful and repugnant.

27 damage, drake is bloodied

The drake turns on Fescue in a fury, and the reptilian jaw rips off much of his sword arm.

12 damage

Seeing his pet abused, the human draws a mace and makes his way into the melee. He aims a vicious smash at Fescue's head, but the Rogue manages to step out of the way.

Fescue's HP: 14



Using little gems to mark status until I find something better

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Marshaling all his strength, the paladin swings a decapitating blow at the offending elf. He misses entirely, but Argumentus (simple as he is) still finds it pretty impressive.

Gabriel's HP: 22 (10 surges), Argumentus' HP 20 (14 surges)

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

7 damage

I am extremely terse

I was speaking idiomatically.

The drake, having already lost the use of one of its kidneys and suffering massive blood loss, suffers the indignity of being brained to death with a chunk of decaying timber.

14 damage, drake mercilessly slain in its prime (you bastard)

New round initiative: Human, Wolf, Gabriel, Fescue, Halfling, Motsognir, Elf, Argumentus, Dwarf, Bob

The smirking human takes another swing at Fescue. This time his mace is on target, smacking the rogue upside the head and leaving him dazed and bleeding.

11 damage; Fescue bloodied

The wolf lunges at the weakened thief, knocking him to the floor. Fescue lapses into unconsciousness.

7 damage, Fescue unconscious

Fescue's HP: -4



What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

As the battered rogue flees to the relative safety of the hall, weapons swing at his retreating back. With uncanny luck, Fescue dodges them all and leans on the wall alongside the wizard, trying to catch his breath.

-4 HP + Lay On Hands (6 HP) + Second Wind (6 HP) = Fescue's HP: 8

The halfling circles around to flank the paladin, but her daggers are useless against his defensive posture.



FELIPE NO

Heartened by someone openly acknowledging his dickery, Fescue begins to perk up. And when an elf gets badly injured, heck; that's entertaining for everybody.

18 damage. All party members gain 5 temporary HP and a temporary bonus to all defenses

Understandably upset by having his liver perforated, the elf turns his attention to Motsognir. Drawing a short sword with his free hand, he slashes at the dwarf with both blades in a fast scissoring motion. The result (while somewhat injurious) is not especially impressive.

8 damage.

Fescue's HP: 20 (including temp HP)
Motsognir's HP: 22 (including temp HP)



What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Argumentus manages to graze the wolf, but his follow-through to the human enemy is dodged. Still, he gets the man's attention.

5 damage to wolf, human is marked

The dwarf sidles toward the far door, hoping to save his neck.



Most amazing jew boots

The Ray of Frost flies well over the halfling's head, resulting in a burst of derisive laughter that ends abruptly with another bicuspid tumbling onto the floor.

The other thing doesn't even happen because it's a standard action and also because you broke the first rule of Combat Club

New round: Argumentus, Dwarf, Gabriel, Fescue, Human, Wolf, Elf, Halfling, Bob, Motsognir

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Taking a wide swing, Argumentus' improvised club knocks the wind out of the enemy human and grazes the wolf as well.

12 damage to human, 4 damage to wolf

The dwarf tries the door, but cannot budge it. Preparing for the worst, he crouches behind his hammer pathetically.

Dwarf engages in Total Defense

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Taken aback by the foul things you said about his parentage, the elf is completely unprepared for the agonizing things suddenly being done to his knees.

7 damage, elf is bloodied

As you commune with your god, the will of Kord fills you with strength.

Gabriels' HP: 29 (8 surges left)



I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

The bolt thumps solidly into the maceman's leather-clad shoulder, and while it doesn't seem to slow him down much the fletching makes him easy to spot in the fray.

5 damage, Fescue gains combat advantage against the maceman

The mace-wielding human thumps Argumentus heavily about the head, but Argumentus is utterly unharmed by the assault on this unimportant part of his body. The crown, however, gets somewhat dinged up.

The wolf strikes Argumentus behind the knees, knocking him off balance and sending him sprawling painfully into the floor.

8 damage, Argumentus is bloodied and knocked prone

The elven swordsman's face twists into a hateful grimace, and he stalks after the paladin. Blinded by fury, his murderous blade meets nothing but the cold iron of Gabriel's left pauldron.

Kyra slashes at Motsognir again, shuffling back after the collision with his shield nearly jars the dagger from her hand.

Argumentus' HP: 12



I was speaking idiomatically.

Though Scary Bob writhes and gesticulates like mad, the halfling spares him no more attention than a glance.

Bluff check fails vs. Kyra's Insight check

Once again reassuring the prone fighter, Motsognir hacks savagely into the elf.

10 damage to elf. Argumentus' HP to 26 (13 surges left)

New round: Elf, Dwarf, Halfling, Motsognir, Human, Wolf, Bob, Gabriel, Argumentus, Fescue

Bleeding heavily and with enemies on three sides, the elf sees little hope of escape. With a defiant shout, he cuts into Motsognir.

12 damage, Motsognir is bloodied (5 HP)

Seeing that he's being ignored, Hieronymus steals back across the room to flank Argumentus. He heaves his warhammer into the air and drives it down into the floor next to the fighter's head, throwing up chips of stone.

Frustrated with the uselessness of her daggers, Kyra runs forward to pick up Heironymus' discarded crossbow.



What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

The axe breezes through the weakened elf's defenses, chopping deeply into the neck. The elf's eyes roll up, and he collapses to the floor.

10 damage, elf killed. Motsognir's HP: 11 (7 surges left)

The human maceman continues to harmlessly batter at Argumentus' armor.

The wolf turns its attention to Gabriel, biting into a mail-clad arm and driving the links into the Paladin's flesh.

7 damage



FELIPE NO

Bob doesn't find anything interesting in the six seconds of searching he manages to do.

Gabriel's hammer smacks the wolf square in the ribs, but the animal manages to scramble out from between the weapon and the wall.

6 damage, gain 2 temp. HP. Motsognir's HP 22

Argumentus' club smashes through the maceman's left arm, , brushing the now-useless appendage aside and finishing its trajectory atop the already-bruised skull of Hieronymus.

10 damage to human (bloodied), 4 damage to dwarf

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Whoosh

New round: Bob 24, Human 23, Argumentus 22, Fescue 20, Wolf 18, Halfling 17, Dwarf 6, Gabriel 5, Motsognir 3

Jam it back in, in the dark.

While the halfling is distracted, Bob hits her full-strength with the frost ray.

9 damage, halfling is bloodied

The maceman tries just one last time to thump Argumentus about the brains (it is hopeless)

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Both enemies are given a severe drubbing, beating them within an inch of their lives. Either of them could likely be knocked over by a mild breeze.

9 damage to human, 4 damage to dwarf

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Distracting Kyra with the glint of his blade, Fescue makes a sudden slash, laying open her arm from shoulder to wrist.

Critical Hit! 9 damage

With the big fighter being harder to hurt than an orc on a bender, the wolf turns its attention to Fescue's exposed back. The rogue is knocked to the floor in what seems to be a pattern.

5 damage, Fescue is knocked prone and bloodied

Clutching her wounded arm, Kyra backs up a step and unsteadily aims the heavy crossbow. The bold clatters against the ceiling well over Motsognir's head.

Unable to safely maneuver through the melee to reach an easier target, Hieronymus is resigned to fruitlessly bonking Argumentus about the chest.

Fescue's HP: 15



I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?