[DnD] Welcome to the Dungeon of Doom!

Motsognir hacks away and prepares to leg it.

7 damage to Zombie H (bloodied)

As he turns to hurry away, two zombies hammer away at his back. Motsognir grunts in pain, and falls heavily to the floor.

19 damage
Motsognir unconscious, prone, bloodied and dying (-8/6)
First save vs. death: failed

Argumentus, Brigid, Gabriel, Bob, Zombies, Motsognir

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Roaring furiously, Argumentus wades into the melee. He smacks aside a zombie without hesitation, and smashes another. Their silly weapons cannot harm him.

Argumentus gains 12 temporary HP
14 damage to Zombie I, destroying it
10 damage to Zombie H

Brigid, Gabriel, Bob, Zombies, Motsognir, Argumentus

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Brigid backs away from the zombies, hacking away to cover her retreat. She berates Motsognir for his laziness, and he opens his eyes grudgingly.

6 damage to Zombie D
Motsognir restored to consciousness; 4 HP and prone

Gabriel, Bob, Zombies, Motsognir, Argumentus, Brigid

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His mind clearly deteriorating under the stress of his imprisonment, Gabriel carries on a one-sided conversation with a senseless corpse. One can only imagine the nightmarish debates taking place within this man's tortured psyche. Decapitating the very revenant he was shouting at, he immediately whirls around and addresses another. Clearly unhinged. Dangerous.

14 damage to Zombie E
Zombie D marked by Gabriel

Bob, Zombies, Motsognir, Argumentus, Brigid, Gabriel

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Bob coolly lays down some frost on the burnt and battered zombie. Truly, an ice burn.

10 damage to Zombie D

Zombie A blunders forward and interrupts Gabriel's ongoing monologue with a fist full of hot undead violence.

8 damage to Gabe (26/9)

Having finally caught back up with the halfling who threw him across the room, Zombie C uses Maul. It's Super Effective!

13 damage to Brigid (1/8, bloodied)

Compelled by a mysterious force to smack the nearest paladin in the head, Zombie D dutifully does so.

7 damage to Gabriel (19/9)

Motsognir, Argumentus, Brigid, Gabriel, Bob, Zombies

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Motsognir cleverly avoids having to do any more work by having Argumentus do all the fighting for him.

14 damage, Zombie H destroyed

Argumentus, Brigid, Gabriel, Bob, Zombies, Motsognir

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

hammer in the mornin'
hammer in the evenin'
all over this dungeon

16 damage to B, destroyed
4 damage to J, destroyed

Brigid finally drops the persistent Zombie D, and stops to catch her breath.

6 damage to D, destroyed
Brigid's HP 7/7

Gabriel, Bob, Zombies, Motsognir, Argumentus, Brigid

Jam it back in, in the dark.

10 damage to Zombie A, destroyed
Gabriel 28 (2)/8

Mop it up, Shin

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The remaining zombie keels over in a smoking heap, and at last the battle is over.

1600 XP! (320 XP each). Additional action point awarded.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Motsognir 28/1

Tucked in a tin under a moldering bedroll, Argumentus finds a single stony biscuit. How long has this lonely biscuit lay uneaten? It is a mystery forever.

How ya doing, buddy?

Brigid's HP 25/4
Argumentus' HP 39/9
Bob's already at full health

Searching the officer's quarters, Brigid discovers the etched outline of a secret door on the west wall.

While a great deal of military gear is scattered about the three rooms, it's all thoroughly rusted and useless. The dead troops had been waiting here a long, long time before the party's unannounced visit.

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The walls of the barracks are badly deteriorated and crumbling. Most of the rocks are too big for a sling, but Brigid finds a half-dozen serviceable stones.

Seeking a way to open the secret doors, Bob runs his hands over the surface of the doors in search of the mechanism. He presses on a particularly suspicious stone and it falls away, clattering down behind the doors. Bob reaches through the gap and turns the handle on the opposite side.

Behind the doors, a short stairway leads back up to another set of stone doors that blend into the wall much like the doors Bob just opened. The doors have handles on this side, but anyone on the other side probably wouldn't realize the doors are there.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

It's impossible to see through the gap between the doors; it's been covered on the opposite side by some kind of fabric. Bob hears the taunting of goblins in the distance. Closer to the door, a gruff voice shouts "Hurry up with the bandages!"

FELIPE NO

Bob throws open the hidden door, ripping apart the priceless tapestry concealing it.

An hulking orc stands with his back to the newly-opened doorway, resting a massive greataxe on his shoulder. He addresses a contingent of battered and bloodied orcs in the south of the room — they're gathered near a small pile of their dead brethren. A similar pile is heaped in the north doorway; a pair of growling wolves fights over the fresh meat. This room was apparently a prison; shackles dangle from massive stone blocks in the center of the chamber. The orcs have dropped torches here and there, providing adequate visibility. The shrill laughter of goblins continues to issue from beyond a doorway to the south.

"All right, boys. I think we're ready to make another push. Now remember, Gruumsh punishes the cowardly! It's important that you not run away just because — what in the nine hells?"

He whips around, regarding Bob with utter bafflement as the elf ululates threateningly.

Surprise round! Argumentus, Gabriel, Bob, Brigid, Motsognir

Tallmap is tall

How ya doing, buddy?

Argumentus leaps into the fray, but the orc backpedals away slightly and Argumentus only lands a glancing blow.

4 damage

Capitalizing on the orc's confusion, Argumentus dodges to the side and swings again, smacking away at where he thinks the orc's kidneys might be, if orcs have kidneys. Argumentus isn't thoroughly schooled in monster anatomy.

14 damage

Gabriel hustles up the stairs, flinging his hammer at the suddenly-swarmed orc. It bounces off the enemy's skull with a pleasing sound like two coconuts smacking together.

8 damage

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Necrotic energy streams into the orc leader, and he doubles over in agony.

7 damage, orc weakened and bloodied

Unfortunately, the enemy doubles over just as Bob follows up with a Ray of Frost; it sails right over the orc's head.

Brigid, then Soggy, and then hopefully the orcs get some opportunity to fight back

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Brigid hacks into the harried orc, and he abruptly bursts into flames. A chorus of oohs and aahs erupt from the mass of thugs in the south end of the room.

Critical Hit! 15 damage, orc on fire

Brigid attempts a follow-up strike but the orc is flailing too violently to get a hit in.

Motsognir charges in, but an attempt to hack apart the Demihuman Torch is once again thwarted.

sorry :/

Bob's frost ray rebounds off the far wall and smacks the panicking orc in the small of his back.

6 damage, Orc currently bloodied, slowed, weakened, on fire, and deeply humiliated

Argumentus, Orc Grunts, Wolves, Gabriel, Orc Leader, Bob, Brigid, Motsognir

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

The orc's head, by some small miracle, remains attached to his neck. It does so at an alarmingly perpendicular angle, however.

9 damage, endless shame on his lineage to the ninth generation

The nearest orc fighter shouts in dismay. "Hrimohl! No! The greatest mind of his generation, to die in such a way!"

He raises his crude wooden bludgeon and charges the party. The rest follow with him. Only the shouting orc actually manages to get close enough to do anything, but he swings his club at Argumentus with all the power granted to him by his pure fury.

Critical Hit! 5 damage, Argumentus 34/9

"Yeah! Think about that one for a while, tough guy!"

Hesitant to leave their meal, Hrimohl's wolves rush forward in an altogether-too-late defense of their master. One of them gnaws on Gabriel's ankle. It is mildly annoying.

7 damage, Gabriel 21/8

Gabriel, Orc Leader, Bob, Brigid, Motsognir, Argumentus, Orc Grunts, Wolves

I was speaking idiomatically.

Crunch

Gabriel caves in the wolf's ribcage. It starts coughing violently, and hacks up several fingers and a wishbone.

"Ooh!" says one of the grunts. "Dibs!"

12 damage

Still merrily burning away, Hrimohl (Hope of the Orcs, Leader of the Clan, Master of his Domain) expires and topples to the floor.

5 ongoing fire damage, and kaput.

Bob, Brigid, Motsognir, Argumentus, Orc Grunts, Wolves, Gabriel

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Four orcs charge toward the party from the south, shouting in fury. "Vengeance for Hrimohl!"

Suddenly their charge grinds down to a gradual plod. "What were we.... damn. I could use a nap."

All four slowed, southernmost at risk of sleep

Brigid, Motsognir, Argumentus, Orc Grunts, Wolves, Gabriel, Bob

FELIPE NO

Brigid hacks open the throat of the nearest orc; he goes down gurgling in an unpleasant scene.

The others look at each other.

"The whole charging at the lunatic murderers thing, maybe not such a good idea? What do you think, guys?

"...no, I don't still think we can take 'em."

Grunt murderized terribly
Bonus is pretty superfluous really

Motsognir, Argumentus, Orc Grunts, Wolves, Gabriel, Bob, Brigid

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Adjusting to the heft of the massive axe, Motsognir hacks away at the nearest wolf. The results are... messy. Lookit that dander fly.

9 damage, wolf bloodied
Gabriel gains +4 to hit against target
Breakin' out the d12s, yay

Argumentus, Orc Grunts, Wolves, Gabriel, Bob, Brigid, Motsognir

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Argumentus flees from the horrid specter of potential doggie-murder, dispatching two of the sleepy orcs as they bumble about in a daze. They seem to barely register their own deaths, crumpling to the floor with indifferent shrugs.

"Change of plan, boys" shouts the nearest surviving grunt. "RUN!"

And so they do, excepting the one who trudges and the one who makes it about five steps before he falls down snoring.

The wolves, however, have no such failings in their morale, and take a bite out of the lightly-armored Bob.

3 damage, Bob 20/4

Gabriel, Bob, Brigid, Motsognir, Argumentus, Orc Grunts, Wolves

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Gabriel hacks away at the wolf with a mad fury, reducing it methodically into its components kibbles & bits. At the end, there is not much left but a red stain on the floor and a few teeth.

Critical Hit! 35 damage, wolf extremely killed

AP + Bolstering Strike skipped on account of being hilariously unnecessary

Bob, Brigid, Motsognir, Argumentus, Orc Grunts, Wolf, Gabriel

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.