[General Discussion] This port tastes terrible

You can spit it out if you want! Porting games over to other machines long after the original version surfaced is nothing new, developers have done it since the dawn of time. The dawn of time I tell you! This often works well, like say, Resident Evil 2 for N64/DC/GC/Gizmondo/Phantom or Ecco for Master System. But sometimes, sometimes! .. It results in nightmares. Here's two I can think of off the top of my head, where they hurt my neck.



A whole bunch of 16-bit games had been successfully ported to the GBA long before this came out (including the FIRST EWJ), so it COULD BE DONE on the hardware, but I guess someone was drunk. Holy craaaap. It suffered huge amounts of slow down and sprite flickering, the soundtrack was completely out of tune and scratchy sounding, most of the animation was cut, collision detection was totally broken, you could fall through sections of the ground and to top it off the level passwords DIDN'T WORK. It was pretty much unplayable.





I know, it's Atari 2600. ;_; But it's still something that just shouldn't have existed in the first place. Who's bright idea was it to try and port this over? Especially in 1991. Just LOOK AT IT. That's pure rape. Like trying to shove an Xbox inside a sock. It was impossible to play, too. You'd be lucky to ever get past the first screen. Once an enemy punches you, THAT'S IT. You get frozen on the spot (with fear? "Oh no some purple guy has punched me whatever shall I do waaah wah wah!"), which means they can just keep punching until you're dead. One life. No continues. It did have full music however, something pretty fancy for the 2600.

I have a lot more to spew useless rage over, but everyone else go go go!

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by guyinrubbersuit

Wow. Someone actually ported Double Dragon to the 2600?! Are you sure that's not a hoax, like the DOOM for 2600?

I used to own it. The furthest I ever got was the third screen, where some huge grey blob guy threw an endless stream of barrels. At least I think they were barrels.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by JackyBoy

You see MSPaint gone bad. I see a gold mine. Think of the possibilities with the wiimote slash nunchuck. Read any Nintendo related thread. Graphics are of no concern to the fans. It's about the MAD GAEMPLAY!

Not even flailing your arms about the room could improve that disaster! I wonder if anybody even owns the right to it anymore, Technos and Acclaim are dead. Mystery!



There was nothing SUPER about this. When even the NES has a better looking port you know you're in trouble. But the game ran so bloody slowly, they even limited the amount of enemies on screen to about ten, which basically ruins the experience right there. Bosses caused your main character to flicker so badly you couldn't see where you were going. Only one song made it into this version, one. One song to listen to for hours on end. One. Flying Edge hurt the Master System with everything they did, but this was perhaps the worst of their efforts.



Huh? Surely it's impossible to bugger these up. Oh wai- DSI found a creative way. Marble Madness wasn't even complete. After three levels, the game would take you back to the title screen. How the hell can something like that slip by the play testers? Maybe they hired a cat. A dead one. The Klax part wasn't bad (because it's Klax), but the Marble Madness goof up is fantastic. Good work!





THE FUCK IS THIS? It isn't Pac-Man, that's for sure. Man, unlike Double Dragon, this could have easily been crammed into the 2600. Pac-Man isn't a very demanding game. The maze is like smeared car crash vomit, the controls were unresponsive and they didn't even get the sound effects right. Instead of "wakka wakka wakka" you were treated to "BONG BONG BONG BONG". They must have been using one during development.

How ya doing, buddy?

Yeah, they were pretty crappy. Especially DKC 3. Still slightly better than the eye straining/bleeding Game Boy Color version of the first DKC, though!



Aaaauuuuuuggggh. I love how he blends into the background colour.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Yeah, the port of the first one's pretty good. They even chucked in the Intestinal Distress level which wasn't in the SNES version. Though they ruined the character animation (not as bad as the sequel, but still) which can make latching onto hooks a bit crap at times.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Hey speaking of words and SNES to PSone ports..



Actually the SNES version was a port of the Mega Drive one which was also a port of the original Amiga game.. so um. You think slight pauses before you do stuff in the FF menus are bad. =o James Pond for PSone took a good two minutes or so just to load up the title screen. Sometimes the jumping sound effect would never stop, enemies would be stuck on the spot and if you were lucky the game would just freeze up on you. It launched at only $10, more than what Play It spent on porting it over.



Thrown onto PlayStation a full year after the awesome N64 version. Who knows why. I mean, the N64 port was a damn sight crappier looking than the original arcade one, with a whole heap of thick fog, but the gameplay was spot on. Hey! Here comes PlayStation!



Wow, it's got the extreme N64 fog and new exclusive vomit textures! The frame rate was so horribly low, the entire game lost its sensation of speed. It was like racing with snails. Hitting a jump just made things worse, Rush on PSone could have been the introduction of bullet time in gaming. The CPU cars had a nasty habit of transporting all over the damn road, too. What, couldn't load cars turning? Just have to make them vanish and turn up again in the new spot? What a bag of urine infested pool water. Whoever was in charge of this should be punched in the face with a bee hive.



Wow, 32X! I mean surely with all the AWESOME new power this add-on gave the Mega Drive, a port of the three year old PC game would have been kinda okay.



Except not. The game had to run in that tiny little window the whole time (that bar across the bottom took up a massive amount, too). But even with all this eye strain, it STILL didn't run smoothly. The music was quite bad, too. They didn't even try here. The bloody SNES version ran better. =\



This version had a crippling error in it that really did make it an Impossible Mission! Some crucial items were placed behind the computers for reasons unknown to anyone with a brain. This means there was no way to pick these items up, because everytime you went to, it'd activate the computer. To make matters worse you could make out the edges of these items. They'd sit there. Taunting you. "Stay forever" indeed. I don't think they ever recalled the game or anything.



AUGH. SO MUCH RAGE. The Master System Sonic 2 is my favorite game OF ALL TIME. To see such a God awful port makes me want to listen to Linkin Park all day. This came out a few months after the SMS one, and Sega being completely lazy fucks, simply chopped the screen image. Rather than resizing sprites or whatever. So Sonic himself took up a huge amount of the screen, leaving you to go for blind leaps of faith. WHAT'S COMING UP? Oh it's a hole. This shit also made the very first boss extremely difficult to beat, as you could no longer see the bouncing balls, they'd just smack into you out of nowhere. I have even more rage for the GG port of Sonic Chaos but maybe for another post dunno dunno dunno. =)

Originally Posted by Solis

A lot of these games sound downright unplayable...how the hell did they even get through alpha testing if apparantly noone is even able to play it because of all these issues?

Probably because these publishers don't give a crap, they just want a quick buck. ;_;

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I didn't even know Crystalis was on GBC. I'm gonna have to download that for some self-infliction later on.

More fun with Game Boy!



The console version wasn't very good at all, with a virtual Springfield that was boring as hell to drive around compared to the places in Crazy Taxi. SO LET'S PUT IT ON GBA MONTHS LATER IN MODE 7!



The WHOLE place was like a wasteland, buildings were PART OF THE GROUND, EVERYTHING WAS FLAT! Even the Crazy Taxi GBA port had crude 3D buildings. It was a nightmare trying to figure out where the hell everyone wanted to go. If you got close enough, some 2D buildings would spring out, but that was completely useless most of the time. Steer off the main roads and you'll get caught in a mess of ground texture, not knowing where to go and hitting invisble barriers non-stop. The game shouldn't have happened. The worst part is it became one of the top selling GBA games ever.

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