Eight glasses a day? Go fuck yourself doctor.

Water? Sometimes I drink that in the shower, standing there like a dog lapping it up if dogs had their own little showers and such. Getting sprayed with the hose might count, I dunno. Then for the rest of the day it's soft drink usually. I'll often get the feeling I'm going to die with this constant amount of fizzy doom, especially on hot days, but it's okay, another quick swig of soft drink and the crisis is over for at least five minutes.

Jam it back in, in the dark.