Is "being considerate" something that can be learned or trained?

Oh my gosh this article grew so long before I noticed… Please pardon me for this long one. I’m just trying to offer details.


I have always been a selfish (or to say, self-centered) person throughout my life. Well, it's not that I lack teamwork spirit. I usually would turn down a personal engagement for a group project discussion. But I never really thought for other people.

When a friend comes to me and tells me about her recent problem, I would say, "Yeah, it must have really hurt." But in fact, I have absolutely no idea how painful the situation is for her. It feels like I'm stranded on an island and isolated from other people's feelings. Their emotions flow in as words, but would never form into anything real for me.

I cannot understand other people's logic or ways of thinking, either. When I put aside my personal tasks and attend a group meeting, I would be very upset that another member is absent because of her own appointment. I would think, "I sacrificed something for the good of this team. Why can't all of you do the same?" I would usually expect others to have the same kind of priorities and time management as mine. During group discussion, I would ask the opinions of the people ignored by the group. Yeah, perhaps it looks like a considerate thing to do, but I was just my attempt to impress people with this image. Deep down in my mind, I don't really want to know what those people have to say.

This selfishness has gradually grew into self-hatred. "I love people who are considerate to me but I can never become like them." These words would haunt my mind. I also see this selfishness on my mother, and I, feeling a little lonely, disliked her for that. I think my selfishness came from two places: my parents, and being the youngest child in the family. And it grew into fear, too. I always feared that the people who like me will turn away from me once they discover how selfish I am. Once they find out that my remembering their birthdays, hugs while they're depressed, and beautifully-said words of consolation are just acts of drama, they would be so disappointed at how selfish a person can be.

I had buried these thoughts deep inside me until I went out with my favorite Auntie Amy. She is a very, very nice woman who would always see my needs. She has taken care of me ever since I was an infant. While my mother would force me to finish my meal (it would become a waste of her money if I don't), Auntie Amy would always see that I'm already full before I dare to tell her I can't finish all the food. As I begin to churn the rice in my bowl instead of eating it, she would say with a calming voice, "You don't have to finish all of it. Just leave it." It meant a great deal to me, because I felt that she was the only one who could hear what I want and didn't care if I was wasting her money. At home, my mom would often say “you don’t need that” or “use that old one at home” to my request for a necessity. I could feel that she was actually saying, “It costs money” while I know she has more than enough to cover the cost. Of course, you don’t buy a child everything she wants, but if you reject constantly and hands her something (suppose, a backpack) that has been in the family closet for over 10 years, the child would know what you have in mind.

That day, I went out with Auntie Amy to shop for my clothes. She picked up a shirt that I really liked. I looked at the price tag, “But it’s a little expensive…” She waved, “Whether you like it or not is more important. Let’s take this one.” It was then I thought had the urge to do something for her. Anything. I want to do something to show that I really appreciate her for doing these things. Yes, maybe a gift.

But what does she like?

I suddenly noticed that I knew nothing about Auntie Amy. What’s her favorite food? Favorite color? Favorite hobby? Favorite TV show? I have no idea. And I thought more: What about my friends’? What are their favorites? What would be the thing to give them on their birthday and make them squeal, “OH MY GOSH HOW DID YOU KNOW I WANT THAT!?”

I never took time to observe other people to know more about them. It was all about me, me, and me. I feel like a failure. My friends all know my favorites, my aunt can read my mind. And I can do nothing in return.

I want to change into a more considerate person. I want to do more for my loving friends, my aunt, and the people I love. Are there any kind of help I can get while achieving this goal? Perhaps recommendations on self-help books?

Thank you very much. For suggestions, replies, insults, anything. I am grateful enough that you took the time to finish reading this long article. Thank you.

Jam it back in, in the dark.